SHADOWS OF THE PAST

Chapter 17

You know how easy it is for us woman to subject ourselves to man all In the name of love. How even after all the heartaches we still go back because we in love. I would understand if you have nothing and he provides for you, him basically being your source of living in a way. Even of which I don't understand.

I have been through so much with this man right next to me. As I slowly brush his hair, with my heart beating like it will bust right through my chest. I remember everything. How happy at times we would be but the minute the gear changed, everything turned to the worse. How one minute we are happy and the next I wish to throw the TV at him basically everything I've ever been through with this man right next to me.

I won't lie and say I don't love him, I do. Completely and utterly I gave myself to him, even when I knew I shouldn't. I did. He cheated, he lied, but I still gave myself to him, to do with my heart as he pleases. As much as I don't want to admit it. I'm turning into one of those woman, the one who give themselves over to their man to do as they please with. I dont want to be like that. I don't want to wake up the next day and say he beats me. I dont want to wake up one day and leave my child with a monster. I'm not saying Travis is all of that, but once my dad was a loving, loyal and supportive husband who worshiped the grounds my mother walked on, and then one day out of the purple things went south, all because she could never give him a son. And then one day, she left me, left me with the same who didn't want me.

I don't want to be that kind of woman, I want to be a mother that puts her kids first, that is why as tempting as his offer is, I can't accept it. It's no longer about what I want,but about what my child should have.

As much as I would wish Travis could accept this child, he doesn't want them, and as young as I am, I know abortion is out of the picture, in a way I would be doing what my mother did, put herself before me, her child. So… im taking a stand and and putting both me and my child first. If he want in later on in life. Then I will not stop him from seeing his child. But for now I need my sanity and take claim of my life.

"I love you so much Travis" I say, my voice breaking at the end.

He opens his eyes and looks at me, with glassy eyes. "I love you too baby, so much"

Even though the tears, I still manage to smile. "even through everything you put to. I still love you very much. That can never change okay"

He looks at me with hopeful eyes. The vulnerability is still very much clear, as painful as it is, I need to do this, I need to put myself first. I brush his cheeck and smile. "one way or another we always managed to get back together and each time it hurts more than the last."i choke on my words." but not this time, this time I can't do it, no I can't " as if on cue, his head bows down and breathing becomes shallow.

"im really sorry okay, I need time on my own, time to recooperate and recover… With everything that has happen, I feel like I'm suffocating, like I'm loosing myself in you"

He looks up and cups my face. "but isn't that a good thing? Isn't that what love is? The constant fighting and make ups? Isn't it. Mibella love, please don't do this to me okay, don't do this to us baby please"

i stand up from the chair, with a bit of difficulties because my head is still a bit drowsy, he helps me and sits me on the couch.

"look... i'm doing all this for both of us, most importantly for us okay, please allow me this travis, i beg of you"

after minutes of banting up and down, he finnaly allows me to have my way.

"my family wanted to come and see how you are doing, can you please leave after them, just stay of little while long" he has his hands balanced on his knees and face buried in his arms. he looks very vulnerable, a part of me whishes i hadent done this, but only God knows the roller coster of a relationship we in.

"okay, but can i take a nap first?"

he looks up and gestures with his hand for me to go on. with each step that i take, i feel my dizzyness taking a toll on me, untill i feel strong arms scoop me up and walks with me towards our bedroom, well, it's his now.

"don't overwork yourself, you still not fine " he says when he puts me on the bed.

i murmur a thanks, he goes to the bathroom and when he comes out, i hear the bathtub being filled with water. he helps me out of my clothes then he goes back to the bathroom, now the water has stopped running.

he comes back out and puts me inside, the water is filled with bubbles annd it smells phenominal.

"scoot" he pulls his clothes off and steps in a behind me. we remaine silent, no one saying anything at all. finally, his hands brushes my back. then he starts massaging me, my head snapps back involuntary, he starts going down, avoiding all my stimulating places, i feel myself getting angry, as much as i know that we should avoid s*x by all means, i want it. it's not like i dont love him, i do. completely and utterly in love with his, but i know this will be a major step back.

his hands stops when he reaches my stomach and i hear him sigh, instead of going or circling my stomach, he goes back up to my shouders. i feel a tear tear down my eye, i wish he could have touched, just a little, maybe he coud have felt how hard it was and maybe gotten a slight idea of what is going, maybe this would have made things so easy.

we finally step out of the bath, he helps me dry, lotion and wear my clothes, if this is hard for me, that it must be -no Bella, you need to stop doing that, think about you and the baby please.

i settle into the covers and he brings me food and my medication, but i quickly snatch them before he can open them, i dont want him seeing my prenatal vitamins, he looks at me like he wants to say something but he stops himself and walsk out.

***

as tired as i am, its almost five in the evening and i need to get up and leave, his family did indeed come to see, and as happy and excited as i should have been, im not. i feel like crying because i feel so stupid right now.

balancing myself, i walk downstairs and i stop of my tracks with the sight before me.

"lord please, i will do whatever you want me to do, just, just make her stay this one last time, she's my life line for heaven sakes,please. i cant take this pain anymore okay"

travis, is-he... he's praying, he's knelt down in front of the coffee table and praying.

"if... if not for me than do it for our baby please lord"

i choke on my sob. he- he knows? how. or maybe he's talking about the one he's going to have with Valery?yeah, its probably it. but as much as i try to convice myself of that, i major part of me doesnt think so.

"it's rude to easdrop on people dont you know that?" i snap my eyes up and his infront of me, i didnt even see that he was done.

"you know" my mouth has a brain of its own, i didnt want to say that.he looks at me and sees my hands on my stomach.

"yes" thats all he says.

"then why didnt you say anything?"

he turns and looks at me, the look that hes giving me halts me in my steps.

"it;s not like you wanted me to know "

"what do you mean?"

he release a sigh "you know what i mean Bella, you dont want me in my childs life, if you did, you could have told me that you are pregnant, is... is that why you want to leave me ?" he says the last part like its the hardest thing he ever has to say.

"why?" he asks when i nod my head.

"because travis... you said you dont want a baby okay" tears and blurred my vision now.

"when did i ever say that?"

short term memory loss i see.

"beginning of the year, you said i wanted to trap you with pregnancy and-and"

"damn it Isabella" he shouts, causing me to flinch, "i would kill for you, why dont you understad that? how many times must i tell you that i love you huh? how many times have i proven that i need you, you got me messed up in the head, i even started imaginning my life with you in it, imagined our kids together"

his words make my heart break further more, my sobs break and i walk up to him. "i'm really sorry okay?i-thought that you wouldnt want it and -Va-"

"never, i mean ever mention Valery when we talking about us, and whats her pregnancy got to do with what we discussing right now?"

he's fumming, mad, his eyes are red, and he looks just about ready to break anything, even my neck.

"i thouth you would want her and-"

"damnit man. how the hell woud you think i would want a baby with her and not you? and dont tell me it's because you think it's because you have this messed up idea in the head that you think that i love her please don't okay "

when he sees me not saying anything, he sighs and rubbs his face,"MiBella, even if i did, which i dont mind you, i woud never,ever go back to her, that girl has caused me nothing but pain okay?she bought nothing but trouble okay"

"well, how will i know that when you hardly ever tell me anything"

he looks and me and says nothing.

"f**k!" he rounds around and says nothing.

"fine, i will tell you everything, sit down"

i wipe the tears from my eyes and sit down. "but promise me one thing, if we make it out of this thing, we never breaking up, nomatter how hard it will get.we stick it out, i don't ever want to feel like this ever again okay?'

i nod my head "i promise "

he nods his head and looks at me. "i love you very much Bella, trust me on that, amd as crazy and selfish as this might sound, i did everything so i never loose you"