BLESSED

Chapter 5

Ami has been spending her days at Mark’s house, he shares it with a couple of friends but is still his house.

What leaves me home alone, I have nothing to do and the feeling of warmth that I have in my bed is so good…

I don't even want to leave it., but I have to…

I need to put everything together so that I can finish school and focus on the work and my child because those are the only things that matter right now, I don't care about the others that don't care about me either.

All I need to think about is what I want to do from now on, how I’ll manage my life, and who I’m going to love, that’s it.

Maybe because of the fact that I’m still young, people won't take me seriously when I say that I want to do something, but that is just because they do not know me, they think that all of the teenagers are disrespectful and ungrateful but is not like that

Teenagers will be the next adults and should be treated as so, but nowadays is all a mess and nothing makes sense anymore.

The window is slightly open, letting the breeze come in the room with a slight cold air, I like to sleep like this because it feels like I’m burning when it’s all closed, it’s just too warm.

My curtains are flowing softly, making a good view from the bed, the sun is shining but it’s not warming up anything, even though I can feel a little better heat on my face when the sun hits it, but not enough to me make go out on a t-shirt.

Finally sitting down in bed after minutes of staring at the wall and imagining something, I decide that today is going to be a productive day, I could make a to-do list just to make sure that I don’t forget anything.

I do not do this quite often but like I said, if I want to do something, I will.

Even though I really don't want to get out of bed, slowly I turn to the side, letting my legs meet the natural temperature which is very cold compared to under the blankets.

Shivering slightly and finally standing up, I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, losing myself in thoughts once again.

Just imagine having a little me walking around the house, playing with dolls or cars, and just being a kid, seeing that little thing grow and become someone…

That must be such a pleasuring feeling.

And I’m going to try it, fortunately.

It will also be a mini Tyler but it is what it is, the kid is still going to be perfect in my eyes, I just know it.

The feeling in my stomach, not the baby, tells me that is all going to be fine and that I can pull this through as the strong and independent woman that I am!

Coming back to reality, I take off my clothes and hop in the shower, I wait a little for the water to warm up and when it does, I let it hit my skin.

Music is playing on my phone and I start singing along, each mood has a playlist and I love every single one of them.

Some musics are relatable and some are not, some remind me of good moments and others of bad ones, but isn't that what life is all about?

Living good and bad moments but enjoying everything that we have?!

Either we have a partner or we’re single, either we’re introverts or extroverts, the only thing that matters at the end of the day is that memories were made and that some will last forever and others will simply fade away with time.

Is only temporary, is going to be fine.

Believe it or not.

Even though I’ve finished my show, I stay here a little bit more time, just to let myself relax and stop thinking about everything that happened or will happen, in this moment I have to think about good things and focus on them, believe in them.

And make them happen.

It’s time to stop wasting water so I turn off the shower and grab my creams, I do some skincare routine when I remember it and well, today is one of the days that I’m going to do it.

When I’m doing well all I have to do, I walk to my room again, opening the wardrobe and picking some pajama grey pants and a white top.

I don't even know if people consider this a pajama, but I use it to chill when I’m at home, just so that I wonder to use the same clothes that I’m going to use in bed. My mother didn't really like it and now I got used to doing that.

Wearing only some grey socks to cover my feet, I head downstairs on my tiptoes. 

What should I eat?

I open the fridge and take somethings out, I’m just going to prepare whatever comes to my mind with these things, and that’s what happened.

The music was playing so it was like I was in a different world while my body is here cooking something so that I can go on with my day. 

How could I ever live without music? It gets me distracted and it makes time pass by faster, it makes me happy, it makes me sad, it makes me remember things that I had already forgotten and never thought I would think of it again.

That’s the power that music has, a simple beat and lyrics can change and do a lot of things, either in one person or even in the whole world.

And again, without even noticing I’m already done with the food and it’s actually pretty delicious.

When I finish eating the food that I’ve made, I decide to read a book and totally forget about the to-do list, I know that I’m going to forget something but I don’t like the pressure that it gives me.

It’s like if that is in there, it is what needs to be done and that makes me feel bad when I don’t finish something at the right time.

But moving on, I walk to the bookshelf and take off one of my favorite books, sitting down o the couch and almost start to read it, but I decide to leave some snacks beside me, just in case that I’m hungry or something.

Walking again to the kitchen and taking some snacks, I almost regret taking this much chocolate.

Almost.

I walk back to the couch but first pick up a blanket and cover myself with it, and finally start reading.

The book has some smutty things that I gladly enjoy to read but the story itself is really good and inspiring.

Putting on some music as I read also helps, it’s like I’m there, seeing everything that is happening and some things are randomly relatable so it’s even better.

I’ve learned a lot with books and I’ve lived things that I would never live in real life with them, it’s a whole new world that some people will never enjoy because they don’t read, and judge it by its look.

Reading is something that even I can’t explain, a person can change with a book, the way they act and see the rest of the world can change, the authors have power and some of them don’t know that, the power that a book has.

The things that it can change.

It’s incredible.

Even I’ve written some poems before, but I keep them to myself, maybe one day I’ll read them again and remember those days where I was sad, happy, or just confused.

That happens all the time,  but it is what it is…

I keep reading and reading until I look at the window, is getting dark outside, did I spent the whole day reading this book?

Damn, I’m really into it…

I’m not regretting spending my day like this but I could have done so much more…

I still have until Wednesday so it’s all good, I can be productive tomorrow and try to find some more things to do later, but surely not touching that book again if I’m trying to be productive.

That book is addicting and I love it, the way the author ends the chapter makes me want to read, more and more, until it ends and then I get disappointed when they don’t have more books, but it’s fine.

I always find books that I love, either because Ami recommends them or because I go to the bookstore and see some books, I judge them by the cover and title - even if that’s bad - and then read what’s in the back.

If I do like them, I add to the little list - it’s huge - that I have on my phone and if I don’t I simply leave them there again.

My favorite types are romances and dramas, so dramatic romances are my all life favorites, I don’t know nor understand why I like them so much, I just know that one day I read one because I saw the movie and I got addicted in a way that O wanted to read more like that.

That happened when I was around 13 years old and until now, never stopped reading.

Good life story, but now coming back to reality.

I need to clean up the mess I’ve made on accident while trying to eat the snacks and read at the same time, without ruin the book - which I didn’t - but I made a little mess when was trying to keep everything in place.

Ami is coming back, only God knows when, so I have time to be alone. Sometimes it can be boring to be all day alone without anyone, but I actually like it very much.

Looking at the window once again, I notice that the sun is not totally down yet, I could go to the beach and watch the sunset when I finish cleaning this mess.

Quickly going to the kitchen and picking the broom, I start cleaning everything I did.

When I’m done, I look at the huge mirror that we have on the wall, these clothes look like a pajama?

Yes

But I can go out with them and that’s what I’m going to do, all I need to do is put some shoes on. 

Going upstairs again and picking the first thing I see that I can use to go outside, I pick something that I might need and run downstairs.

Getting in my car, I start driving to the beach, which is not much time from our little apartment. And not surprisingly I’m listening to music while I drive, is actually pretty nice to drive and see the sun, but I would surely enjoy it more If I were at the beach…

Reaching there, I get the things out of my car and walk to the place where I usually go, there are never more than 1 or 2 people here and we stay very far away.

It’s like a secret place on the beach that almost no one knows about.

I put the towel on the floor and sit there, looking at the sun as it goes down. The shades of pink, yellow and purple all creating a unique combination, not all of the sunsets are the same thing, some have different colors or simply different vibes.

Simply enjoying the view, I let myself relax and enjoy the moment, it’s been a while since I’ve come here and watched the sunset on my own, usually either our mini-group would come with me or we didn’t come.

Tyler was never a big fan of sunsets, he used to say that it was simply a bunch of random colors in the sky, and it was only getting dark. He didn’t saw anything beautiful in it, and that’s his point of view…

I’ve never understood the way that Tyler sees things, and why does he see them like that, I find beauty and I can be happy with the tiniest little things, but he’s such the contrary.

For Tyler to be happy, he needed big and expensive things or simply something that would be good for his ego, and now that I think about it, I don't even know why I was dating him…. 

We have absolutely nothing in common…

But anyway, the sun has already set down, and a shade of blue fills the sky, and the little starts star becoming more noticeable, maybe I should stay here a little bit more time, I still can see at least well enough to see what is in front of my feet.

So I lay down and see the stars, enjoying as the once light shade of blue starts becoming darker and darker, there is no one in here and that makes me calm as I said before.

I like to be alone, it lets me think and find peace of mind, sometimes overthinking ruins everything but in my case, it solves something sometimes.

Tyler is a lost cause, maybe one day he’ll find his peace of mind and get someone that he loves and finally settle in, make life that he’ll remember and don't regret.

Find someone that sees the world as he does or simply someone that understands that confused boy and can help him understand himself.

Someone that will be perfect in his eyes and will make him happy, all I want is for him to be happy.

Yes, he might have broken my heart and left me alone with a baby in my tummy but no one deserves to die alone and unloved, we’re all still young and thinking that we are able to do everything and don't take any responsibility because of it.

But one day, we have to finally face that we’re growing up and become adults, maybe not the ones that we wanted to be as we were kids but surely we will be someone.

These stars give me hope, the hope that I need to keep on with my life and try to see the best part of everything, the hope that keeps me going every day.

The hope that I need to survive.

We see their light and they’re always shining, lighting up our sky until they can't anymore, people find a way to admire that, and I can totally understand that.

Stars make some shapes in the sky and human being gave them names, and we entertain ourselves by finding them, not everyone likes that but I absolutely love it.

It’s time to get the hell out of here so I stand up and start putting my thing altogether, I haven’t brought that much stuff so it only takes five minutes until I start walking back to the car.

The air is getting colder and colder as the night falls and I need to warm myself up before I catch a cold, so as soon as I get inside the car, I turn on the heater and stay there for a little bit, for some reason I really don’t want to go home.

After a couple of minutes of just standing on my phone, trying to find something to do, I decided to go to Starbucks and drink something, so once again I start the car and drive to the Starbucks.

My mother gave me this car before I left her house and it actually helps me very much, is a grey Mercedes and when you look at it, you might think that I’m rich.

But actually, my mother is the rich one here.

Driving at night is not something that I totally enjoy doing but I like it somehow, the way I can see the stars while I'm driving is something that I like to do.

And sometimes when I go to places and don’t reach the beach soon enough to watch the sunset I watch it as I drive, and with the right music…

It is such a vibe.

Driving throws the streets and finally reaching the Starbucks café, I park my car and walk to the café. 

As I get in I notice that is not really full but I spot a couple sitting on the table, as I walk to the counter so that I can make my order, I’m finally able to recognize the faces of the couple.

It was Tyler and another girl, my once friend Melissa. I ignore them and walk past them but something tells me that they’ve noticed me walking by.

I ask for a pink drink and a donut, I’ve never tried the pink drink but I see a lot of people talking about it so I’m going to try.

While I’m standing there on my phone waiting I hear some whispering but I don’t turn my head to look at it, as much as I want to know what is going on behind me, I don’t want to make eye contact with anyone.

So I keep my gaze on my phone and get myself distracted as I wait for my food.

When the blond guy with a smile finally gives me my food in a little bag I pay for it and thank him and give him a smile and he does the same.

Finally turning back I meet Melissa’s gaze, she’s looking back at me, she has an apologizing look on her face.

When I came into the café I could hear them laughing and sounded like they were really happy with each other’s company so I’m not mad…

I simply smile at her and do the same to Tyler, leaving them both with a confused look on their faces.

So, still, with a smile on my face, I walk back to the car and let the warm air heat me up, and start eating the food.