In Love With My Stalker

Chapter Four

My body felt stiff the next morning, but at least I could shower and change my clothes before Jake came back. He never saw me on the floor. He wore a gray knit hat and his glasses, which I’d learned he only did when he didn't sleep well. And as a giveaway, there were shadows beneath his eyes, making him look exhausted. I knew I couldn’t look much better. Despite that, he showed up. I knew he didn’t think any less of me for my minor freak out.

“I learned a new card game I want to show you. You gotta find matches like Go Fish, but it’s more competitive,” he told me, bypassing a greeting as he entered my apartment.

Even though he was talking about something unrelated, his eyes scanned me the entire time, taking in my face and my clothes and my body underneath them. I could see the wanting there, if I looked. Which is why I didn’t look. I only wore a sweatshirt and jean shorts anyway, so I didn’t understand what he found so intriguing. With the shorts, I had on thigh-high socks, so it wasn’t like I was showing much skin.

“I’ll get the cards,” I said. His eyes lingered on me as I walked away. When I came back, he shuffled the cards and dealt them out. Then he taught me how to play a game called Speed.

I tried very hard to memorize all the rules, especially after my horrible chess performance. I wanted him to think I was a fast learner. We played our first game, and it was impossible not to catch on immediately. Soon we were both laughing and accusing each other of dirty tricks. It amazed me how evenly matched we were in our reflexes. We played about ten games and it was an even split between his wins and mine.

“This is fun,” I said as I shuffled the cards.

“Yeah, except now I see you for the dirty cheater you are,” he accused.

I gasped in outrage. “I don’t cheat!”

“Oh, so what do you call it when you smack the cards out of someone’s hands, just because they’re having a winning streak?”

“That was an accident! And you weren’t even winning!”

“I was, too! And if it was an accident, why did you keep playing while I picked up my cards?”

I gaped. “I—that isn’t fair. When you knocked my cards on the floor, you didn’t stop playing while I picked them up either!”

“That–that is completely different. And even if it wasn’t, your bit of cheating came first. I was just evening up the playing field,” he shot back.

We were both grinning during this exchange, knowing that it was ridiculous to argue.

“You should just admit that I’m better,” I said.

“There’s no way. It’s a tie.”

“Cheating doesn’t count, Jake.”

“What? I’m not the cheater! I beat you fair and square! At this and chess.”

“Oh, that is just low; picking at old wounds. Only nerds play chess anyway,” I shot back.

He burst out laughing. “I like you,” he announced when he caught his breath.

I looked up to see his eyes dancing over me with a softened expression. A funny fluttering in my stomach unnerved me. I averted my gaze back to the cards in my hands.

“Well, then… maybe you should stop slandering my–” His mouth was on mine before I could register it, snuffing out my snarky comment like a breath to a candle’s flame. His warm hands cradled my face, pulling me across the window seat toward him on my knees. His lips successfully ensnared me; I couldn’t have resisted, even if I wanted to.

Little moans kept escaping me, and I didn’t know where they were coming from. He pulled me so close I couldn’t tell whose heartbeat I was feeling. Our mouths did that innate synchronizing again, and it felt so good I couldn’t even think. His hat came off beneath my hands and his hair was suddenly a messy tangle in my fingers. His own hands traveled from my face and neck and straight down my shirt, brushing feather light over my breasts so that I wasn’t even sure if I’d felt his touch. But then his fingers were gliding underneath my shirt, hot enough to burn me, and that I felt. Like every molecule was seconds away from exploding.

His hands were all over me, both under and over my clothes, pulling me still closer. I was in his lap after a while. I knew from the change in the tempo that if I didn’t stop him, he would start taking off my clothes. The thought scared me so much that I could control myself again.

“Jake–” I gasped out against his lips. His mouth left mine, trailing down my chin to my throat. “Jake… nnnh…” His teeth grazed the tender skin of my neck and I moaned with both pleasure and surprise as a rocket of sensations shot through me.

“I love when you say my name…” he panted in that husky tone. And then he had my sweatshirt off, tossing it on the floor like it was nothing. I only wore my bra under it. His hands ran up the small of my back, kissing my neck and shoulders like he would never stop.

I wriggled frantically out of his arms and off his lap, landing hard on my elbows on the window seat. Jake just kept kissing, his mouth trailing up my stomach and even my breasts on his way back to my mouth. He was leaning over me, and I felt the sudden heat of his hand climbing up my inner thigh. I knew too late that I was in the perfect position for this to escalate, and I panicked.

“Stop! Please stop!” I cried out. My mouth was so dry it came out like a croak. I worried he might not hear me, so my arm shot out to keep him away.

But Jake pulled back immediately. His eyes were wide with fear, and that surprised me.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” he asked, revealing his concern.

“N-no, I just… I want to stop… I’d like to stop now, p-please…” I whispered, still struggling to control my breathing. I shivered then, and quickly crossed my arms over my chest to combat how exposed I felt.

Jake retrieved my shirt for me, and I scrambled back into it as soon as I could. I clutched the fabric around my torso, not caring that it was inside out and backwards. I didn't think he would snatch it from me or anything. It just made me feel better feeling it there in my hands.

“Kay… listen to me. I never want to do anything that you don’t want to do. Alright? The last thing I’d ever want is to hurt you or take advantage of you. Just let me know if I ever make you uncomfortable, okay? Just tell me, and I’ll back off. Everything stops.” He sounded so serious that it amazed me.

“What if everything is going so fast and I can’t stop to say anything?”

“I’ll do better. I’ll make sure I’m checking in to ask if you’re alright. If what we’re doing is alright, and we agree. Then you can just tell me yes or no,” he reassured me.

He held out his hand to me. When I accepted, he helped me sit back up. Then he brought my hand to his mouth to kiss my knuckles and fingertips. We sat close, so he didn’t have to lean very far to kiss my lips again. Even though it was a gentle kiss, I could feel his wanting in it. His hands rested on my thighs, caressing them. I kept my eyes lowered, preferring to watch his hands rather than his face.

“When was it too much?” he asked me.

I didn’t answer. Jake’s hands left my legs to push through my hair. He cradled one side of my neck, gently guiding my head until my eyes fell on his. His eyebrows quirked to prompt an answer.

“I don’t want to take my clothes off,” I said without emotion.

“Okay. We won’t do that then.”

I nodded after a brief pause, just so he wouldn’t break the silence to seek confirmation. He slid off the seat and onto the floor, drawing my attention to the cards scattered everywhere. I watched him retrieve them, not offering to help. When he finished, he offered the deck to me without getting off the floor. I didn’t take it.

“I’d like you to go now,” I said.

Jake sighed, resting his forehead against my knee. “Yeah. I figured that was coming.” He sounded tired. But he didn’t leave. He sat on my floor with his head in my lap for what felt like forever. Neither of us said anything. Neither of us moved. “Do you want me to come back tomorrow?” he finally asked. He didn’t look up.

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully.

“That’s a no. If you wanted to see me, you’d be sure about it,” Jake said. He didn’t just sit up then; he stood up. I watched him rub his face so thoroughly that his glasses became crooked. “Alright. I’m gonna give you a few days. When you want to see me again or when you know what you want from this, whichever comes first… well, you know where I live.”

“Okay,” I whispered. There really wasn’t much else I could say. He smoothed my hair and kissed me on the forehead. Then, for the first time since I met him, Jake left by the front door.

I took a long bath and then nestled myself in my bed, reading all of my favorite books for the umpteenth time and eating peaches out of the can. The next day, I cleaned my apartment. I also did my laundry and ventured outside to buy groceries. This was the activity I dreaded the most, even though the store was just down the block. I covered my ears with noise-canceling headphones before I left the building, so the sound of traffic and people and the city wouldn’t overwhelm me.

When I got back, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. In a month, I’d forgotten how to enjoy the sound of solitude. It was barely a full day, and I was already missing Jake. I stayed by my window for the rest of the night and played solitaire, hoping he would come by. Despite knowing that he wouldn’t. Even with the things that made me unsure when we were together, like the endless new experiences—mainly the kissing—I felt more comfortable around him than alone. I suppose that spoke volumes.

So on the second day of our separation, I had enough. I bravely left my apartment and climbed the stairs to the next floor. I stood outside his door and raised my fist to knock with my heart pounding so hard I had to catch my breath. But I couldn’t knock. I just stood there like a fool with my fist raised, staring at the wood paneling of his door like it was a living thing. Like it would bite me the second I touched it. What if he wanted more time? How long was a few days, anyway?

“Hey! Are you Cadence?” a voice down the hall called to me and I jumped in alarm. My raised hand fell on the doorframe and my nails bit into the plaster like I needed an anchor.

I turned to look at the caller and saw a tall man coming toward me. He was wearing a backward baseball cap and a well-groomed beard. He carried a bag filled with snacks in one hand and beer in a case in the other. I watched him come down the hall toward me, closer and closer. The walls were inching in, threatening to squeeze the life out of me with each step he took in my direction. I swallowed hard and reminded myself to breathe. I gave a small, fearful nod as an answer to his question, wondering how on earth he knew my name.

“Jake told me about you. You’re looking for him, right? He just sent me a text—he’ll be here in a few minutes,” the man said. His eyes did that sweeping stare thing that Jake did. As always, the probing made me shrink away.

“Okay…” I whispered. Inside, I was panicking. I didn’t want to wait for Jake with this stranger. And I definitely didn’t want him there when Jake spent time with me. If Jake even wanted to do that anymore. He clearly already had plans, which solidified in my mind that he wasn’t interested in seeing me. A pit sank into my stomach when I realized he wouldn’t accept my company over his friend’s. A friend that brought snacks too. I never brought him anything.

“I’m Cameron, by the way. His brother,” the man announced.

I nodded again without looking at him. He just made me feel worse. There was definitely no chance that Jake would choose to spend time with me instead of with his own brother.

A sudden buzzing sound struck the air, and I automatically ducked to avoid an attack. Cameron put down the case of beer to fish a cell phone out of his pocket, and I realized where the sound came from. He was giving me an odd look, making me blush with embarrassment. After jabbing at the screen of his phone with his thumb, he told me that Jake was in the lobby downstairs.

Saving myself from the humiliation of being rejected by removing the option, I did the only logical thing; I ran. Jake’s brother called to me as I bolted down the hallway, but I didn’t pause to even decipher what he was saying. I didn’t stop running until I burrowed under the covers of my bed, chewing my lip as a punishment for my cowardice.

Hiding in the dark, I wondered if his brother told him I’d been there. If he did, it obviously meant nothing to him, because Jake never came to see me.