Remembering Lily

Stick to the Plan

My mouth parted and my chest felt like it was being squeezed. I think I have forgotten how to breathe as I looked at Adam, full of pain and sadness on his face. I can tell it was difficult for him to share this story but there's this certain need from him to share these with me. I, on the other hand, am wondering if it was really necessary for me to hear his story.

Like I'm being dragged into something. It wasn't his intention but it was what I felt...

There was no one speaking which is why I can hear the sounds of the water from the river clearly. It was so inviting and peaceful… I don't know if it's calling me. In my dreams, it was where I was dragged down literally and now, I can feel the dragging in a metaphorical term.

"Adam…"

"She had the same eyes like yours, her nose, her hair… I wish I was just being delusional. Then, things would be way easier to explain but I know I'm not Lily. What could this mean?"

What could this mean? 

I might as well ask the same question. I am a bit dizzy and overwhelmed to think. I don't even know if I can do that in this place or if I can do that while looking at Adam who I thought someone adored me or simply liked me. I thought he was being nice because he saw me for who I am. Not as Lily or Ellie… just me. That was why it was easier to talk to him. I had no hidden intentions. I was just someone living in the present.

Seems like the reality was harsher than it seems. He is seeing someone else in me and all my initial assumptions were trashed, just like that. All this time... it was him who is stuck in the past and I am the constant reminder of whatever memory he has.

"Lily-"

"Uhm, Adam. I'm really sorry but I don't think now is the right time to talk about this. I would like to go home." I tried to ask nicely because I'm obviously coming off as rude in his point of view.

Here I am, some girl he treated well and who he can even connect with someone he obviously likes and all I wanted to do was lie down on my bed and not think. I crave that feeling of emptiness because there are so many unexplainable emotions and events going on in my head and life right now.

When we stopped in front of my apartment, I eagerly reached for the door. I just want to rush inside and run away. If I can't feel safe anywhere, then where would I go? No matter what I do, things always go wrong… no matter how hard I try.

"Can we talk for just a moment?"

I touched my temples. I am sure I am not just imagining things. My head is really hurting. It would be way easier if I was just making excuses but I really feel like I'm going to be sick… if I'm not yet already.

"I don't think I can right now, Adam. My head hurts so bad." I honestly said.

"I just want to explain a few things, Lily. I feel sad that I left you with this information you surely don't need. It was selfish of me. I sincerely apologize." He then sighed. "And… I wasn't telling you this for any ill-intention. I should've picked a better time to tell my story."

Now that he is looking at me, I wonder if he looks at me or if he wants to see the woman he could remember from my face. I wanted to ignore everything and laugh bitterly but I couldn't. I don't even know if this is my face or if I'm connected to that lady. I know in my consciousness that I am Lily but it makes me doubt everything else.

This is just so difficult.

"I wish this day would have turned out differently. I should've handled my emotions better. I should have phrased words in a different way. I know there's a lot on your mind and I really feel responsible for putting that burden on you. I really… I sincerely apologize."

I felt even more sorry that I am reacting the way I do and I wish there was a way to control my emotions but I couldn't stop the feeling of my insides twisting.

"It's fine, Adam. I just need some time on my own today… Thank you… for telling me this."

Is this useful information? I haven't thought of it yet. But when I got inside my place, there were all these things in my head, begging to be noticed, puzzles begging to be solved. I changed into some comfortable clothes and it was too early to go to bed, I haven't even eaten lunch yet but I am drained already. Terribly drained.

And when I finally lied down, my eyes fixed on the blank ceiling, my tears began to fall.

I touched the face I call mine. I closed my eyes and tried to remember how I used to look. It was such a normal thing. I was born with it so I didn't make much big of a deal. Who would? Your face is yours. It would be easily accessible to change your face through surgery or procedures but there will always be something left to you.

In my case, nothing was left to me... except for my memories.

Yet, I assumed that what was given to me in this new life I haven't figured out yet, was mine and mine alone.

This is my beginning. This is my new start.

But how do I go on now, knowing someone used to own this face as well? I wasn't asking for someone to lend me a new face or a new life.

Right now, being alone and feeling empty, it left me wondering… wouldn't it be better if I just forgot everything and died in peace? Anything other than this? Because this feels more like a punishment rather than another chance. What did I even do to deserve this? I just want to know... Is it too much to ask? I think I deserve a piece of the truth. It's my life after all... even if it doesn't feel like it. I still have a piece of my me, even if all that's left is my memory.

My phone started to ring and I picked it up, expecting it to be Blake. I think I need someone else's insight because I've seriously lost any idea of why all of these are happening to me. I don't know anymore.

"Hello?" I asked, not scared to make her hear the vulnerability in my voice. "Hello, Blake?" I asked because she wasn't talking on the other line. "Blake… I need help. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Ellie…"

I quickly got up and sat on the bed when I heard Yohan's voice. I checked the screen and just noticed now that it was just a phone number and it wasn't saved on my phone.

I swallowed the lump on my throat. Scared and caught off guard with this.

"This is Yohan."

I know. I wanted to tell him. We've been together for a long time and I would know everything about him and that includes how his voice sounds over the phone.

"Oh… I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else." I think I failed in trying to sound casual. Thankfully, it was just my voice and my face cannot be seen. "Why did you call?"

"I… I just want to talk to you."

"About?"

"I was wondering whether you'd go to the beach tomorrow."

He's asking me to go with him tomorrow? Or see him there? I was curious and if I wasn't feeling exhausted, I'd probably jump in joy and conclude this day with a celebration.

This is why I should not be exhausted. I should not entertain anything that would not help me with my goal. I have my decision and I'll be firm with that.

"I will." and even if he didn't ask, he didn't need to. There's one thing that keeps me moving forward despite all this madness. And that would be the chance to be reunited with my past love, to continue the future with who I spent my past with. Everything is a mess but there are still some things left that matter. Our love. Our marriage. And I have to fight for our future to get back all these, though it doesn't seem much. "See you," I answered shortly.

Because for someone who lost so much, no matter how little is left, it would still be everything.

I may have lost him once but I will get him again. Yohan is my everything. I have to stick to my plan.