Remembering Lily

Enlightened by Vague Truths

The sound of the waves became louder as I moved closer. His hair was still dry and he was just sitting under a tree. He was just staring at the sea when I arrived and all I had in mind at that time as if he was he has been waiting for me all this time.

I paused and just savored the moment as I looked at him… looking so peacefully. I often wondered why he couldn’t bring me with him. Why won’t he let me see him in this state it wasn’t until this moment that I understood him fully. 

He was fine on his own. I imagined him being happy with me but he was even better when he is by himself, like now. Looking at him was enough to have a taste of that peace. I wish he told me that before. Though I wonder if I would understand back then… I have always wanted to share every moment. The good and the bad, the big and little things. 

"You came," Yohan was smiling when he saw me. 

I smiled back. “Were you here for a long time?”

“Ah,” He looked at his wristwatch and I froze as he did that. It was different from what he was wearing before. This watch… was my gift for his college graduation. He always wore it before and then I stopped noticing but when I try to recall, I think he has stopped wearing it as well. Just like that. He stopped wearing and I stopped noticing. “I didn’t notice. It’s been three hours.”

“I figured you were here earlier. You seemed to like the beach so much. I think you'd stay here for a long time than you do if you can.”

He smiled, “Have a seat.”

He puts his handkerchief in the sand. How gentleman of Yohan. How can he be like this to me? If I were Lily, would he also do these things for me? Right… In the first place, I wouldn’t be here if I was Lily. I’d be stuck at home wondering what my husband could be doing… He would never cheat, I’d think. Still, why does it feel like he’s moving farther and farther away from me?

How ironic that I’m here. The thing that makes him feel like he’s far away from me is the same reason why he feels close to me.

“It’s nice, isn’t it? To just stare at these wide waters… I feel so small and then I realize how big the universe is. And when I do, I realize how small my worries are.”

“Your worries?”

I was too distracted with my own worries to even consider thinking about his. So, there was really something bothering him even before. I always assumed because what he told me was only limited and with the information that I had, I'd create stories which was the root for all my worries.

I tried to hide it even before but I wished he noticed. Too bad he didn't because apparently, he also has too much on his plate.

“Uhm.” He nodded. “I always have a lot on my head.”

“Like?”

I felt the sand in my hands. Still thorned what to feel. I can’t even listen to Yohan with my full attention because what I always ask was… why is he telling me this? Why would he tell me now and before? Was I lacking before? And if I do, what could it be? I wanted to ask so badly but I held my tongue and listened like the girl he was probably imaging would do.

I’ll go with the flow for now. I have decided to stay here and I was not really here to listen to the ocean or watch the sunset. I was here to spend time with Yohan.

He smiled at me sadly. I wonder why he did that.

“If I’d say it, you might change your whole opinion about me.”

Now I’m curious. “It would be fine if you won’t tell me.” I lied. Of course, it wouldn’t be fine for me. I can already see myself pondering the whole night wondering about things. And I can also see myself concluding that the fault is mine. So, I would like to hear his reason because I don’t want to go home blaming myself for this.

I wish he would save me from that. I wouldn’t want to think of myself as someone who needed saving but I wouldn’t mind being spared from another nightmare.

“I’m curious though…”

“Before…”  there was a short pause. I can already tell that this is hard for him… This opening up. “I was married. Oh, I forgot you already know this part. Uhm, so yeah. The time when I was married to Lily.”

“Yeah?” I stopped playing with the sand and just faced him directly. Ready to hear and take the truth from Yohan himself.

“I never doubted that I love her.”

Okay… I don’t know how to take this. It was supposed to be a good thing but why does it feel different? The way he tells me this.

“But as our marriage lasted, I find myself wondering if it’s enough. If love was enough.”

I laughed sarcastically. I tried not to but I couldn’t help it. Hearing this reality that I thought would be harsher. It wasn’t even enough to make me cry but it sure was enough to make me laugh in confusion. He didn’t even give an answer. All he did was give a vague unacceptable excuse.

“What did you want?” I asked and this time, I wasn’t playing as Ellie. He might not know it and I wish he would know the truth, that I am asking as myself… As his wife, as Lily. 

“I don’t know…” he answered.

Yohan has always been cool in my eyes. He has always been shining, like a sun who was the center of my universe.

“That’s a really shitty answer, Yohan.”

“I know and I am not particularly proud of this, Ellie.”

I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. I was right to ask him these questions even if all I got were crappy answers. It truly was. No matter how many times I play it in my head, I just couldn’t get the sense of it.

“I think you are trying to play safe here.” He was being honest. I know him enough to tell that but it’s so damn obvious that he is escaping. He didn’t want to confront the truth. Maybe there’s such thing as not knowing but his eyes… he is just running away from the truth because the actual reason why feels that would make him a worse person than he actually is. “It’s not fair for Lily.”

He covered his face with his hands. I just snatched his peace away by coming here and telling him that. He was the one who invited me so for sure, he was aware in a way, that this would happen.

Wait… Did he actually ask me to come here to say these things? A stranger who reminded him of his ex-wife?

I was about to stand up and leave here because it makes me sick to my stomach to stay here with Yohan. The more I hear him talk, the more I felt sorry for my past self. Could it be that my shortened life actually saved me from this misery?

“I feel sorry… Every day, I wake up and feel sorry for my first wife. I’ve been tortured since the day she died.”

“Tortured? You remarried. How was that being tortured, Yohan? You tell me... or your wife who already died. It didn’t even take a long time.” It was a hard pill to swallow. Does he also think the same? Because the way he did things does not tell me the same. How easily he dismissed the time we spent and our memories to create his new life with his new wife. He didn't even take his time to get to know Stephanie more. If he did, maybe it wouldn't be this hard.

I am finally saying these. All these words that I just used to imagine. I can finally say it to his face.

It was hard to imagine but I didn't know it would be this satisfying.

That I get to find my voice even if it took a whole new life.

“Yohan, for Lily’s sake… for Lily’s peace, I really hope you can find a better reason but what’s actually best is if you’d be completely honest- to yourself first, of course.” I stood up. I’d leave here. There’s no reason for me to stay here anymore.  “Though I doubt if you could actually do that.”