Remembering Lily

Found Something but Still Seeking

Adam has been avoiding me.

We are working in the same place and when we stay in the same area, he is making it really hard not to notice. 

Whenever he would see me approaching, he takes the opposite route. I don't even know if that's the way to wherever he was supposed to go. When we stay in the same room, he seems so busy but he would look anywhere else but the certain place where I am. 

He has made his goal of the day to not make any kind of contact with me.

Whatever his actual intentions are, I couldn't deny that his actions are affecting me in a way that I wouldn't expect it would be. I should be fine with him avoiding me, with him going the separate route… but why do I feel different?

Probably because I can see it. How he is still thorned. How his eyes would have that momentary glint of surprise which then turns into a non-verbal apology as he moves away. He looks at me as if he is a burden that I should not even be looking at.

I don't feel the same way.

"Adam…" I called him as he was ready to exit his last class before lunch break.

"Lily…" he called me by my name and there was something about it that sounded so great. Right now, there are only two people who call me Lily. It wasn't enough to make me feel like myself but I guess it's just the right number for me to not completely lose myself. 

"Why are you here?" He asks.

"I was hoping we could talk?"

"About what?"

I sighed. I don't think this would just be a short talk. "Can we talk over lunch?"

We didn't have much time so we both agreed on eating at the cafeteria. There wasn't much choice of food here even. "Are you sure it would be fine-"

"This is fine Lily. I'm sorry but can I ask you to tell me straight to the point what you would like to say? I… I just don't want to waste your time. And it is hard for me to say this but it is the truth but I'm not doing well right now. I thought I was, all this time but I'm not." He covered his face with his hands and his tone was suddenly full of frustration. "I'm not used to being vulnerable, Lily. Not in front of anybody and you are not involved with this so I don't want to burden you with anything."

"Adam… no. That's not why I want to talk to you." I said before he feels too bad for himself.

I thought he was avoiding me because he didn't want to see my face. I still haven't forgotten about that girl that he was talking about. I figured I would remind him of that girl but now that we are talking about this, I don't think that is the case. He was still bothered but not in a way that I think he would be.

He just saw that woman's face in me but his love for that person was so distinct that he can still separate those feelings from me.

"There's just a part of me that worries. And I was also wondering if I should be the one comforting you when you said that I reminded you of her."

Now that I get to spend time with him after spending the day with Yohan yesterday, I had another moment of clarity.

"I admired you, you know. Your feelings for this person were so great, I thought. She must be a great person, Adam. I'm sorry she died but it is a comforting thought that no one forgot about her. That she still has you... after all this time."

I smiled bitterly upon this realization. You can't force someone to love you but boy, it would be sweet t*****e to go see Yohan cry for me like how Adam grieved for this special woman.

"May I ask what her name is?" I tried to ask because I don't want her to just be that woman in my head.

He smiled and I was glad that he did even when it also mirrors his sadness and longing. It was wrong of me to think that Adam would like me. He is so in love with this person that he can never do that.

In fact, all I can do is admire the kind of love that I never had.

"Addison," he said like it's the most beautiful name. "I call her Adie."

"Adie," I repeated.

Adie… I am so jealous of you. I am more than aware that I shouldn't be. You should be resting in peace and I hope you are not listening to these thoughts because this is just me being petty… and being jealous of what you had.

A tear from his eyes fell as he looked at me. I stopped smiling when I noticed that. "You look so much alike," he tells me.

"Really?"

Adam grabbed his phone and tried to search for something. He then suddenly showed me a picture of a lady, smiling. With black hair, her eyes got smaller when she smiled. She may look intimidating but she looks friendly when smiling.

And one more thing… She looks exactly like me.

The resemblance was uncanny. No one could deny it, not even me. 

I don't have any idea what the truth could be but I really felt I stole someone's face.

"Adam…" I called, starting to get the chills. "I get what you were saying now. How she looks so much like me."

I don't even know if she looks like me. Because if anything, that would be: this face looks so much like her.

I swallowed the lump forming on my throat as I struggled to understand the situation that got even more complicated than it already is.

Why… Why do I have this woman's face? Adie, did I steal your face, or did you let me borrow this?

I need to find answers.