Remembering Lily

Wrecked

“Talk to me about what?”

This was out of the blue and definitely unexpected. I looked around hoping no one would see us. The school is just nearby and other parents may get a different idea if they would see me with Yohan.

It would not bother me before and in fact, I would probably be proud since he came here by himself and he was the one who wants to talk to me but now is not the time. I don’t think there would be another right time for that. I was too blinded by my desire to get with him before. Too blind that I didn't see the red signs everywhere. Yohan himself was a red sign.

“About the last time we talked.” He took a step forward and was about to move closer but I immediately stepped back. He is in front of me right now. There's no need for him to move closer.

How did he know I was here? Did he go to Stephanie first before he went to me or is he hiding so that he could talk to me alone? Either choice was acceptable and I would just really love it if he leaves before anyone would get the idea.

It would be enough to be mistakenly associated with one man. The issue between me and Adam has not even died yet and actually acquired a few silent believers. The image would not matter much but I am a teacher still. I can't just have my image tainted with issues and worse, lies.

“Yohan, are you following me?”

“Yes, but-”

“Stop it.” I was firm with my words. Coming here unannounced, basically, ambushing me was not something I would tolerate. I don't have the ears to listen to what he has to say, whatever that may be.

It doesn’t sound like me but after hearing what he said the last time, I don’t think we can ever be the same again. My hope for the continuation of our lives together was under the assumption that we both feel the same, based on my own distorted memory of the happy family that we had. We weren't perfect but at least, I believed that we were happy... but he just told me that everything was based on a lie.

"Stop following me." I said through my gritted teeth.

"Can't I talk to you?" I don't know if there was kindness or was it even a request because he was demanding it. I There was a part of me that was slightly moved by his gesture but it could be because I have never heard him say this before. He would never ask me to talk to him because that was my thing. I was the one who was begging all the time. For him to stay with me, for us to spend time together, for him to listen to my stories. He was always there physically but now, I don't know if he was really there. I think his mind was somewhere, wanting to be anywhere else but near me

"Ellie, please?"

I would've found him helpless and charming before I knew he was being an asshole. That's the thing about words being said… you can't take it back.

"I can't believe you. What would we even talk about? We don't even know each other that much." I asked in disbelief. I think this whole conversation is just unnecessary and pathetic. To add that we are out here in the open adds shame to my injury. Just mine because he doesn't seem to be bothered.

"Yohan, you're being a creep to me, a complete stranger. Do both of us a favor and leave me alone."

I walked past him but he suddenly grabbed my wrist. "What the hell?"

"You are not a stranger and stop pretending to be one. You understand me, Ellie. We've only spent a few times together but I know you get me. I see the way you think whenever you'd look at me." His grip on my wrist tightened which was even more painful. "You think I'm stupid to just dismiss your past actions? Acting like a stranger but sticking to me close? Do you think I didn't notice you like me? You remind me so much of Lily and do you know why I think so? Because she loved me like no one else, Ellie."

"How dare you say her name."

I felt disgusted. It was still me but I felt sorry for my old self being treated as less of a person. I don't deserve any of this.

He moved towards me. "And oh, please. Stop following you? You are the first one who did it."

Okay, I admit. Those were all true but he didn't know everything and yet, here he is acting all mighty and great, so conceited and confident that I still like him. He must've stayed married to me because I adored him. He needed my admiration, even demanded more while I stayed silent and constantly praying and praying hoping one day, I'd wake up and some miracle would happen.

This f*****g bastard. This just makes me like him even less.

"Whatever you are thinking?" I tried to pull my hand. He can't go and act like I'm his property. I was never his even if before, I acted like one. He can't just barge like this and claim me. That is not happening. Not in this lifetime. "You need to stop those thoughts because Yohan, I'm not yours anymore."

I ignored him and walked faster. I was touching the wrist that he was gripping. Yohan would never do that to me when he knew me as Lily. He may have caused me pain before but Yohan would never physically hurt me. He has been creative enough to cause me misery in other ways.

This makes me question who I married. We spent years together! I married that man and I realized how little I knew about him.

And why is he blaming his unhappiness on me? I was less brave before but surely, there would be something that could be done if he was just honest. I don't know... Maybe divorce me to spare us both this mess?

"How dare you."

I think I have developed a headache and if I stayed outside longer, I may get worse. Stephanie was pausing after every word, like a scene from an antagonist in a movie. She has been playing that role perfectly.

I may get an idea now why Yohan and her share a connection. They use the same actions and boy, the timing is amazing. They really managed to pick the same day to annoy the hell out of me.

"Oh, please. Give me a break."

"Don't you deny anything! I saw you talk to my husband. Well… what else do I expect from a b***h like you?"

"You saw me, what?"

"Don't you act dumb on me, Ellie. I saw it with my own two eyes and even before, even when you've constantly denied it… always, always! Always denying things that are so obvious. And now that you are getting a portion of my husband's attention, does that make you happy?"

I can't believe what I'm hearing right now and the fact that I'm having this conversation after talking to Yohan is just beyond my comprehension.

"You saw us?"

"Clear as crystal," she answered confidently.

"You were there, might as well listen!" I am furious. If she only paid attention, then she might get something more valuable and she shouldn't be embarrassing herself like this in front of me. "We could've saved yourself from this argument. You know what? Go ask him yourself what happened. I already said my piece, I'm not saying it again."

"I heard you say something. You said you're not his anymore. You disgust me, Ellie. You dirty little mistress."

"What the hell are you talking about? I am nobody's mistress. You need to clear your mind and see this as a warning that your husband doesn't like you anymore. For your peace, I would like to confirm that you can have your husband and you both spend your time in hell but no, don't drag me into that."

It was deja Vu passing by her after an argument. She moved and tried to block me so I hit her shoulder in the process. The contact was brief but the time stopped.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no." Stephanie was in tears, blood was on her forehead. She was almost unrecognizable. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." She said, her voice was shaking and her lips trembling

I feel the inside of my stomach turn and I wanted to vomit with what I just saw. I am standing in front of a car, right in front of the bridge I fell. And I watched her damaged car drive away.

I stood there standing, watching Stephanie leaving and rushing. Itching to leave where I was standing.

I was wearing the same clothes.

It was that night.

"You don't know what I'm willing to do, Ellie. The measures I'm willing to take," she whispered in my ears. I stared from a distance, my body was here but my mind was stuck somewhere. "If I were you, I'd think twice."

The calmness in her voice was threatening and the smile on her lips seems to mean something else.

I wasn't even able to speak or move.

She walked away, leaving me breathless and it feels like it's not the first time this happened to me.