Remembering Lily

Morning Talks, Chirping Birds.

It was just a dream. I just woke up feeling like how I did at that moment: healed, refreshed, and in a way enlightened. It felt real.

I get to choose how I live this life—this life and not the one that was suddenly taken away from me by someone I know so abruptly. Thinking about it as an accident was hurtful enough. As a murder? It just bothered me to the point of borderline insanity.

Would I go for revenge? For hope? I thought… It took me some time to end up with a decision I am also not confident in, but the truth was, I could never be confident or sure about anything else. The only thing I could be sure of was my own emotion.

It would be greedy of me to think so, but then I thought, can I want more than one thing? Life shouldn't revolve around a single matter.

So, this is what I want. I choose to live life and live it well. With that in mind, I can't simply forget. I can’t be boundlessly optimistic and live my life knowing the fact that would be impossible, especially when that person who killed me was unapologetic about what she had done.

 I called someone from my phone, and it didn't take long for her to answer.

"Hello, Blake?" I called. "I need to tell you something… and I'll need your area of expertise as a lawyer."

I watched this little bird fly and hopped from one thing to another, and then it reached the trees where it flew from one branch to another. After seeing one, several birds flew with it. They look so small and peaceful. There's something about birds that makes you think of such thoughts... and I watched there, outside my apartment, with a cup of coffee in my hand. Enjoying the sceneries with the smell of coffee beans lingering.

I never had a morning like this, and I never enjoyed a time like this. It was my first time seeing all of these. Has it always been here, or was I just too distracted to notice?

In the past time, I always have a hard time sleeping. Sleeping and waking was something I did because of routine. It was never resting. I had to tell myself to go to sleep with the thoughts in my head. All the reflections include both the good and the bad. 

The bad dream was part of the routine, always inevitable. I had a hard time distinguishing dreams and real-life because both are nightmares. Something in my chest would always feel constricted, and the voice in my head was constantly panicking, desperate for a significant change. I didn’t even know what the difference was for. I was unhappy with how I was living because I badly wanted to take back my life.

But after talking to that woman in a dream that I still believe to be real, it was life-changing. There, that’s the word. She didn’t even say a lot except that I get to choose how I live my life this time. I aim for that, and nothing could hold me back because I control myself and my emotions.

“Good morning?” I was almost sure that he raised the tone of his greetings, making it more sound like a question than a proper good morning. I think this is an Adam thing, so, it's not really a surprise anymore. His presence, however, was unexpected.

Adam held three white lilies from a near distance with a doubtful grin on his face. I wonder what he could be doing this early in the morning? We almost didn’t talk at school, but I smiled at him when our paths crossed, just like how I would treat the other co-workers. Still, I don’t remember discussing meeting here. I don’t even think we’ve talked at the school.

“Hi,” I greeted first and returned his smile even with the questions.

“Are you busy?”

I’m still confused with the sudden change in the air, but that’s no reason for me to disagree or not welcome here in my place. “No. I was just having my coffee before work." I showed him the now empty cup. "I woke up early today. That doesn't happen always.”

We were still standing by the door so I opened it wider to invite him. “Please come in.”

We went inside, but I let the door open for now. There's a gate outside, so it's not really dangerous, and I think my neighbors are still sleeping because I have not seen a single soul, except for Adam, which even turns out more surprising.

“Sorry for barging in unannounced. I wasn’t planning to come here this early, too but it just happened.”

"What would you do if I am still sleeping?" I asked because that was more likely.

"I would just talk to you at school, but then I couldn't give you this." He handed me the flowers, and I immediately smiled.

I was always the one to give it to myself. I may have forgotten what it feels like to receive the flowers. It feels nice, mainly when it doesn’t involve a*********s of dying. I hope it’s not.

“Would you like some coffee?”

“Oh, I’d love to. Thank you.”

“What is this for?” I asked another question.

“Ah, nothing in particular. I have just been planning to visit you here, and I didn’t want to come empty-handed. The first thing I thought was the lilies.”

“It would not be a surprise if I say I love lilies, eh?”

He laughed, and it was almost like we were back in the past. Not that it was too long ago, but it took me back to the time when we first met each other. He might have a different opinion since he just approached me after connecting me to Adie, but it was like this for me. Just two people who are friendly to each other. He could be lying, but I am in the mood to believe this version.

“Not really. Your name suits you, you know. I always wondered why no one was calling you by that name. No offense. Ellie is a great name too, but I just think Lily suits you more.”

“Sugar and cream?”

“Just sugar, thank you.”

I handed him the coffee.

“Thank you.” He said again. I can’t contain my laughter after hearing him say thank you for how many times was that? I lost count already.

“Why?”

 “You say thank you a lot today. I'm not complaining though. It's a great phrase to hear in the morning. Kind of a positive way to start my day.”

He just gave me a meaningful smile and then took a sip of the coffee. “There’s a lot to be thankful for.”

I could just see and feel that Adam is a genuine person. He says these heart-warming things, and maybe it won’t have that much of an effect on me on a typical day, but even with the short time I knew Adam, I can say that whatever he says, he means it. He is just that real of a person. And I appreciate that so much. 

“You’re such a nice guy, Adam.” I can’t help but comment that made him suddenly burst into laughter that he had to put the coffee on the table so it won’t spill.

“That was out of the blue, and I may have said it a lot of times today, still, thank you. You’re not bad yourself. Come on.”

“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound like a compliment.”

“It is. I promise.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “A forced one, maybe, but okay, I’m in the mood to take compliments. Genuine or not.”

“You know… I’m just glad to see you like this. I don’t even know what changed, but I assume you feel better, and it shows.”

“Do you mean I look more stressed before?” How surprising that I was in the mood for some laugh.

“No offense to last week’s Lily but yeah, a bit.”

“A bit?”

“I know that’s a trap. You are beautiful then and now, but you are radiant today. There. Please don’t make me say more, Lily. You might just get surprised with how many compliments I can say within a matter of time."

"I mean, I don't really mind." We both laughed.

I just lightly shook my head with this light teasing. I’m just so glad Adam is here.

“Me too, actually,” I confessed, referring to our previous topic. “I prefer to be called Lily.”

“It’s not too late to change your nickname.” He said with that light tone.

“I’m fine knowing that there are… hmmm… two people who call me by that name.”

There was a comfortable silence, and I could hear chirping outside again, and I guess, just like that, it just became my favorite sound.

“I was here to invite you to dinner at my place tomorrow.”

“Really? Any event?”

“No big event,” he said, but he smiled for a split-second. “Just one meal before I leave.”

“Oh.”

It was all I could say. I was not expecting that.