Remembering Lily

That's What You Do

"You what?"

"Don't pretend you didn't hear me when I said it the first and second time, Blake. I know you did."

Blake chugged a can of beer and squeezed it afterward. She let out a refreshing 'Ah!' before talking again to me as if he didn't just perform a drinking show right in front of me. "You did not... I mean, how?"

"I know right?" I was smiling. I was too eager to tell her what happened on Olivia's birthday. It was the first part of a plan and it was such a success. I wanted to celebrate so I surprised Blake at her own house. "I don't know where I got the courage. I used to be so timid!"

I never wanted to be an actress or the thought never crossed my mind. I was so used to things in the past, I never imagined being someone else. I had troubles and insecurity but I tried working with what I had. I was willing to try everything even up to my last breath... but trying out this new role gave me a taste of a dish I never even thought. Something I never knew I wanted to taste.

I am playing the role of a lifetime. Something no other known human being was ever given and I am starting to love it. I was Lily and now, I am Lily Elizabeth and I can do whatever I put my mind to.

"Lily, don't you think it's better to just forget about them? Yohan wasn't the best husband and getting him back does not guarantee happiness too. Remember what happened?"

I looked away since I cannot deny the tears I've shed in front of Blake when I had doubts about the direction our marriage was going. The path that was so familiar to me suddenly felt unknown. The routine changed without even me noticing. We... we lived separate lives even when we lived in the same house.

One day, I just noticed we didn't talk much like we used to. I would know he's troubled but I didn't ask because he tried so hard with hiding it. He would know I'm sad but he no longer asked me if I'm fine. We fell asleep, facing opposite sides.

I know that was not right. Something hard to accept but I understood was possible. Something I knew was fixable because you just don't give up. You work hard for your marriage when you know there's still a chance and I know we have because we've always been perfect for each other.

"This is literally another chance in life, Lily." she sighed. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

"First of all, Blake, it's Ellie." I corrected her again. I am very careful and calculative with my own actions. I just don't want to risk anything, no matter how small the chances are. "And second of all, it's true that he wasn't the best husband. I am not the best wife too. Besides, a perfect marriage is boring. I agree that we weren't in a good place when I died... but I still want him back."

I'm not sure if Blake would ever understand. She's used to being the first one to leave in a relationship, before even things get better and before even considering giving another chance. 'You only get one chance to live.' she always told me. Fortunately, that wasn't applicable to me.

Blake had her hesitations about me staying married to him even when it no longer felt like marriage anymore but there's things I've got to do because I promised to stay, for f*****g better or worse.

"Ellie, can we talk?"

I was cleaning up the mess on my desk when Stephanie came to me. I have observed that she avoided talking to me the past few days. At this rate, she could easily just expose herself to loving someone else's husband and that's cheating, something I assume she already knows... very well.

She already said she liked him even way before and all she needs to do now is admit that they cheated so I could hate her completely and so I can let my dear husband pay while being with me. I'll come back to him and time will come that he will not have any other choice but to accept me, whether as Lily or Ellie. I don't care.

I placed a few folders beside me before I turned to answer her, "Sure."

She looked around the office so I did too. No one's inside except us. It's already lunchtime and everyone's probably having lunch outside. I didn't want to spend awkward conversations with other teachers while they interrogate me about my life so I didn't go with them.

"Sure," I answered and she seated on the chair in front of my table. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I'm just worried that- about last time, you said you knew Lily. I knew her too and he's my husband's ex-wife."

"I know." I don't know where the conversation was heading and I think she doesn't know what to say but I have an idea of what she would like to know. "I knew Lily and I have an idea of her husband too- now your husband." those last words were like a hard pill to swallow, even much harder to say. Still, I acted like a friend I would consider a b***h and pretended to be not bothered. I swallowed that bitter and hard pill. "That's just it, Stephanie. I don't want to take sides when it's not needed. Don't stress about it." and smiled a perfect smile for a perfect finish.

What I wanted to say was, I freaking want you to stress about it. I want you to reflect on it, to think about everything you've done for me you f*****g b***h.

How could it be Stephanie, how big could your sin be that the deities decided to bring me back to life just so I could get back what you got from me?