Remembering Lily

Ellie Is Her Name

"Lily-"

"Ellie." I corrected Blake before she could even utter another word. I have been practicing all the time to call myself Ellie.

Ellie, you need to wash the laundry. There's something you need to buy tomorrow, Ellie. You need to call Blake, Ellie.

I always talked to myself like another person but the longer I did this technique, Ellie started to change into I.

I need to wash the laundry. I need to buy something. I need to do something.

My hands are full of different types of desserts I prepared for her visit. Blake would never come across as a dessert type of person but she loves sweets much more than I do. I love preparing it though. I've always played this role even with my husband who would often prepare the meals but I take pride and joy that I am better at making desserts than him.

She has been begging me to let her visit the apartment I rented and it took me weeks before finally saying yes. The perfectionist in me was screaming there's a lot of adjustment needed. I just want her to come at a time when I'm no longer adjusting to the place and I can say with full confidence that I'm adjusting better with life now. 

I'm starting to love Ellie.

"But you are Lily."

I poured tea into the cup and handed it to her. Blake was comfortably seating on the couch that was already here since I moved here. I'll replace it soon but for now, I'm still saving. I made a few changes here though. Like changing the kitchen wallpaper into the shade of pastel blue that I wanted. Adding plants here and there for the room's splash of green. I love the new table for two I bought too, one of my few purchases after I received the first month's payment.

"I am still Lily. Lily Elizabeth." I said naturally. After a time of convincing, I accepted my new name too. The addition of Lily made it easier for me. Made me think that I'm still me, just a different version. "It would be great if you get used to calling me Ellie, Blake. Both for you and for me."

She threw me that judging look and piercing eyes, totally not believing what I say. "Nope. I'm calling you Lily."

I smiled at her, not surprised with the stubbornness I'm seeing. It's typical Blakey and I am not blaming her. There's so much I'm throwing at her. We both didn't sign up for this situation I'm in but it's enough that I make most of the adjustments and it's also enough that I have her by my side. She has the right to act however she likes as long as she stays as my friend and will let me do my plans.

"Cookie?"

"Yes, please. Three." I laughed as she grabbed three cookies and hurriedly munched one. With the dark circles below her eyes, I already have an idea of how busy she has been. We had always been friends but we do not keep in contact all the time. Usually because of Blake's unpredictable and hectic schedule. She insisted on letting me stay at her house since she spends most of her time in her firm anyway but here I am, renting my own place. I simply told her I want to have my own space. "Tired as f**k, yes, that's me."

"Busy week, eh?"

Her head rested on the sofa while her eyes are closed but with a mouth that continues to chew on the cookie. "More like busy forever. This week feels like forever. Delicious cookies by the way."

"I shouldn't have let you do all the work last time. I know it's your rest days and you spent most time on me."

She returned back to seating after hearing my guilty sentiments, "Oh don't do that, please. You know friends will do anything for friends."

"Thank you, Blakey."

"How are you adjusting here, anyway? No offense but this place is homey but small."

Ah, there it goes. The 'this apartment is small' comment. I was waiting for her to say it. I know she's been thinking it the moment her designer shoes laid their heels on the entrance of the room. No hate for her thinking or even saying that. I thought of it too but I'm just not in the position right now to choose something I cannot afford.

"Small but I'm just alone here. So, I have all the space I need."

"You know you can stay at my house, right? Whatever is mine Lily, you can treat it as yours. I don't mind, really."

"But I do." I gave her a smile. Being financially inferior is already a given in this friendship. Blake had always been that rich friend willing to offer everything and I'm the mediocre one who just tries to say no to whatever she offers, believing that it's better to have less. At least, I have something. So, what she is saying and how she says it like a careless career woman with so much money for one that she already is does not hurt my ego. "And I'm happy to start my journey of slowly getting my back my life. I have the job I once had again so I'm like half-way there."

I am confident. I have never been so sure of what I want to do. I want my life back.

Blake looks at me with that worried eyes again. Telling me something her mouth can't say but she ended the long stare with a deep sigh. "Lily, did it ever come to your mind that what if... what if this is another chance for you to live this next life? to move on?"

Move on.

There's something I've never considered. If moving on means going back to my old life, then there it is. There's moving on.

What am I supposed to do then? Completely forget who I am and live a  completely different life? Then, might as well not rise from the dead.

"Someone out there is living my life. Someone who deceived me. I want the life Stephanie stole from me. So, no. I'm not moving on."