Remembering Lily

Moving Forward but Pulled Back

I took a deep breath as I recalled the plan I formed in my head. Talk to Adam, know more about Adie. It only comprises two steps but I am nervous already. The reason scares me. I have no idea what I will discover and the uncertainty was making me feel all this tension.

But I just can’t run away from any of this. For my own peace of mind, I need to know the real reason why I was brought back to life. I thought it would be to get back together with Yohan. I was willing to do everything for him but the more I heard him talk, the more I know about him as a person. The sudden realization that I married a stranger even after years of living with him stuck me. Did he change or did he always think like that? I'm always left with no answer. My short break for revenge was really put on a break for now.

I need to sort out my feelings for Yohan. He hasn’t even done that, the sorting out of feelings, so how can I even wish for him to take me back when he’s doubting his feelings for me? His honesty was necessary but it was harsh and hurtful. I just can’t continue living the way I did knowing the type of husband I’d return to.

I love him but the Yohan I spoke to recently was not the Yohan I fell in love with. And now, I’m being tested if I really loved him or just the idea I had of him? On top of my doubts for myself? Even if we’d get back together, the foundation we’d have would be so weak.

I need to know more about myself first.

“Hi,” I smiled. Because as I reminded myself, the first step would be with Adam.

He was more formal looking today. He even wore a white long-sleeve polo but with the sleeves folded. He didn’t look like a teacher. It looks like he was here for business or negotiation. He gave me a kind smile and then he was back to his old image. Contrary to what I prepared for, it seems like he doesn’t feel awkward towards me after the intimate chat we had the last time.

“Good morning, Lily.” He said.

“Good morning,” I said back.

Here I go again. I just get nervous whenever I’d hear him call my name.

We didn’t talk but even with the lack of words, it felt like a normal morning. With the life I've had, I can say with confidence that normal is a compliment.

I proceed with teaching the kids and sharing stories today. It was an easy day. I was only focused on what I had today in terms of work and my future. There was no heavy burden on my back.

As my work was about to end, I was looking forward to speaking with Adam. That was my plan but if he tells me that he'd rather not or if he would walk away, then I will respect his decision as well. I was hoping he would share some information about Adie still. It is the best and at the moment, the only step I know towards enlightenment.

That doesn't mean I'd give up though. It just means I'd give him space and peace but I would still like to know more about Adie.

I feel bad that I'm this decisive to the point of being intrusive. I will try not to be one but he's the only person who has the lead for now. I just hope Adam wouldn't be as affected with me bugging him.

"I'm glad you joined me for a drink." I told Adam. It didn't take a lot of convincing before he came here with me. All I had to do was smile and be honest about my real intention. I just realized that sometimes, sincerity is underrated. "I wouldn't like to be awkward to anyone at work. May that be a student or a parent but most especially, a co-worker."

"No, I totally understand but I'll give you your peace before I say something that will ruin that." He laughs awkwardly. He really is back to his old self. "Lily, I'll say it again, I'm sorry and thank you for listening to what I have to say."

I smiled at him but he was taken aback by that simple action. He tried to hide his reaction immediately but that didn't escape my eyes either. "Why? What's the matter?"

"Can I be honest?"

What a weird question to ask. "You could have told me a lie but now that you are saying that, you have no choice but to tell me the truth. Besides, I'd rather hear your honesty."

"When you smiled, I was reminded by Adie. You have the same smile."

"The same smile?" I wondered. "You told me we look alike too, right? I actually saw it too when you showed me the picture. Let's be frank, even. It looks like we have the same face." It's easy to mean these words when I know it's the truth.

He nodded. "But I can still differentiate you two. You look the same but act differently. The way you both talk, stare, or even when you interact with me. But when you smiled, it was almost indistinguishable. I thought I was talking to her for a quick moment."

He still hasn't moved on and he is not hiding it as well. The more he is open about his adoration for Adie, the more I admire their connection. How wonderful that could be.

"I'll take that as a compliment still." I gave him an encouraging smile. In a way, we are both similar. Grieving, crying, and missing a part of our lives.

"I'm glad you do. You look beautiful when you smile."

I shook my head, staring at the beer I haven't drank yet. I tried to slip his compliment. Under normal circumstances, I'd assume that he's hitting on me but right now, I just think he misses Adie and some of that longing was passed to me, someone who looked exactly like her.

I promised myself not to get confused. With both his feelings and mine. We may be connected in some ways but I shouldn't accept his words as it is.

"I just want to tell you… you can tell me about her. If you miss her or just want someone you can talk to, I'd like for you to know that I am a friend willing to listen."

"Honestly, it's a bit weird considering how you look alike but it also helps. Thank you so much, Lily. Just… thank you."

I figured both of us can have a break just tonight. I invited him for a drink for that same reason. We can't just talk about sad things all the time, no matter how beautiful those could be. So Adam and I just spent the rest of the time talking.

He was talking about the place he came from. I was able to confirm that he really is a rich person. He didn't say it directly but with his lifestyle, I was able to tell. I think him being humble was even a stronger proof of his rich background. Maybe he is just here to stay for a short while.

I tried not to tell him so much but I instead told my story of becoming a teacher. Some tales from college and fabricated stories. Yohan and I got married after college and suddenly, I couldn't identify which was interesting and if it is, can I say it? Most of the time, the answer is no. I wish I was a better person who can handle herself. I am that person recently but before, I'm just not. Everything I have been through, Yohan was just involved which could be why I felt the need to be part of his life even after dying. Because I don't know who would I be if I wouldn't be with him.

"Excuse me, I'll just go to the restroom real quick." I went there and also did a retouch. I was so surprised when I came back, I made eye contact with one of the customers who happens to be Yohan.

Huh, I am almost certain that coming here was not part of his schedule. His schedule and go-to's were so unpredictable that I never doubted him having an affair.

I was ready to ignore him. Our last conversation ruined his image and whenever I'd hear those words, I just can't help but think it's so wrong on so many levels.

I passed by him but he suddenly held my hand. I looked at him tightly holding my hand. This doesn't help his ruined image in my mind. Not at all. He doesn't have any rights to do this.

"Stop that." I said firmly. I don't even want to waste my energy listening or talking with this person. "Leave me alone."

"I can't Ellie." He starts to say. "I tried to but I can't