Remembering Lily

Walk Away, Don't Look Back

I stopped in front of the restaurant. It looked the same but seeing it again right now, there seems to be something different. Maybe it's just me.

I took a deep breath and was desperately trying to connect with good memories. There were too many and it already took me hours and hours to remember all of it. I was hoping that maybe, if I would remember everything, then I would feel the same as how I felt during those times. Just worry-free and optimistic about the promise of forever.

I can't just dismiss everything. Life can't be summarized into white or black. There will always be good times and bad times and I am just desperate to tap into those good memories because I need that push and drive to keep me going.

Revenge would be a big factor but I realized, standing here, that I would be less miserable if I found it in my heart to forget and if possible, forgive.

But one thing I know was, I need to keep going.

"Good morning, Ma'am." A staff member greeted me with a bright smile. She was holding a menu and was bowing slightly. A different experience than what I had before. I noticed that the staff is not here anymore. Well, that's a good way to start my night.

"Good morning," I greeted back.

This is what I'm talking about. Niceness attracts niceness.

I realized it was a good thing that Yohan is not here yet at least not in my sight. That would give me some time to think about my next actions. I came here ready but not quite prepared. My plan would just depend on what I will be hearing today... and what I will hear from him

I ordered some coffee and opened the book I brought with me. A few minutes passed and I was still stuck on the same page, staring at the same lines. Truth was, I wasn't reading this book. I brought this as a prop just so I would look less obsessed and more with a purpose. Just someone who looks like she got it all figured out when honestly, I don't think I still have any hobbies.

"Ellie?" Yohan was the one who gave me the coffee and he was genuinely surprised. He seemed more like himself now. At least, he was closer to the Yohan that I know.  "What are you doing here?"

I smiled, even when it was a bit forced and I didn't really want to. What I wanted to do was skip through everything and just tell him straight to the point and be frank to him about everything… just everything and let it all out including the disappointment, anger, and confusion.

As painfully slow as this could be, I forced a smile. "My coffee?" I asked first. Fine, let's start with something light today.

"Uhm…" he was still not leaving and was instead awkwardly standing beside me. "Can I talk to you? Just… it will be real quick."

Perfect. Exactly what I have been anticipating. So far, everything is going well according to plan.

"I'm here to do the same but sure, go ahead and take a seat. It's your restaurant, after all."

He sat on the empty chair in front of me. "It's not just my restaurant."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's my wife's too…" he said in a small voice that was hard to hear but because of the quiet surrounding, I was able to hear him clearly.

"Stephanie?" I asked. If he would say yes, then that would be too bad. But I am here to ask for more than just pity. "Or Lily?"

He slowly nodded his head. I took a sip of the freshly brewed coffee with my name on it. I was trying to hide my smirk on it. Making sure that he could read it. Lily. The name that was written there.

I knew why he was the one who gave it to me. He didn't have to but he was hoping it would be me. He heard Adam call me Lily the last time and my assumption was, he has been thinking about the connections since.

My mission is already partially accomplished.

"I thought so..." he whispered. "You would know the answer. You do, don't you?"

I nodded. "You and Stephanie must have overlooked the fact that I am also Lily's friend… and that I know her more than you do. I think I just realized that now."

"I thought I knew her so well but maybe I was wrong."

"You are not always right, Yohan."

Okay, a plan is forming in my head.

"I am here to tell you the truth," I confessed. Not even feeling sorry for the lies that I said and what I'm about to say. "In exchange, of course, I would like to hear your truth. I would just like to request for everyone's sake and peace of mind, Yohan but I am not forcing you to do anything... besides, what do I know?"

"I want to apologize first, Ellie. What happened last time, I can't believe I did that. I arrived home and I was just, speechless and ashamed of the way I acted."

I wasn't surprised he's doing this. I knew he would feel sorry but that doesn't mean that what he said was a lie. He was sorry because he said the truth and that the truth made him look bad. Now, that doesn't make him any better, it just makes things worse.

"I was hoping you didn't really intend on doing that," I said with a blank face, uninterested to act like what he said was fine but he wasn't looking at me so he might not have any idea about that. "If so, what type of person would that make you?"

"It's just that… These days, since you came, bits and bits of thoughts about my ex-wife would come into my head. It never happened to me before, even before she died. I would have dreams about her..."

Huh. Ex-wife. I guess that would be me.

"I was trying to find an explanation to me trying to find an excuse for the guilt I have been feeling. I just feel so guilty, Ellie. For everything?"

"For everything you have done to Lily?"

He nods. "I felt sorry for feeling relieved when she died. It wasn't an instant feeling, of course. I grieved when she died. I felt sad. We were together for years, it was hard for me to imagine a day without her… let alone, a life without her."

"And then what?" Even when I looked like a husband who recently lost his wife, I know better. If he really did grieve for me, he would respect me enough to not marry someone else that easily. The least they could both do was wait. "I would like to feel sorry for you, Yohan. Believe me, I really do. Still, how could I when you did what you did? Not that my opinion matters, actually. I've been trying to shut my mouth all this time because I know my place but now that you are asking for my thoughts... it's just right that I say something."

"I know. I and Stephanie thought that we wouldn't care about what other people would think. We will live life the way we want to. Even if that means getting judged by others because I had another wife not long enough after my first wife died. She was so carefree and she cheered on me to pursue what I've been missing all this time."

"Good to know," I said sarcastically as he basically slapped the truth in my face. "I hoped you found whatever that is you are talking about."

"Weirdly enough, I care about your opinion. I started to feel guilty when you came here."

"What are you implying now?"

Is he blaming me now? For his feelings? Oh please, I think this conversation could be better. I am here to confirm that I would take him back, even if it would be in the form of revenge. But what he is showing is not helping me at all.

"You are like an extension of Lily to haunt me for my sins. I think the heavens are punishing me for sending someone who acts exactly like her into my life."

Ah, he's got to be kidding me. I don't even know what to think about this. At least, I could say that he was paying attention, after all. To still recognize our connection.

It was nice but it was sad at the same time… that he was able to connect to me in that way. I thought we were something more.

As someone who would make him guilty… How short would our story be if he loved me unconditionally? He can cry about me for days, maybe weeks, remember me from time to time after months and would move on when the right time comes. Then, I could watch him in the afterlife before resting finally in peace.

"So, you see me as a punishment. I can't even think of a better word."

"That's not what I was meaning to say."

"Still … " I am getting tired of this pointless conversation and this relationship. "You see your relationship with Lily as something negative. That doesn't change that fact. Correct me now or be a coward forever."

He can tell me the truth. I would get hurt but at the very least, he would spare me from blaming myself. Because it was him all along… who ruined us.

"It wasn't like that."

"Then at what point does it become like that?" I may sound too involved in this. Time to throw some lies he would believe. "Because the only reason why I was drawn to you was because of Lily. How she managed to end up with a husband who replaced her that quick. That's the real reason, Adam. With what you are showing me and with how your wife is treating me, I can't even afford to feel sorry for you."

"It is not like that-"

"Yohan…" I called him with tears in my eyes. My voice started to sound weak as I forced the words out of my mouth. "Her body wasn't even found yet… Her body was still somewhere deep down in that river or God knows where and before she had a proper decent funeral, you were already married to someone else. It's like you've been waiting for it to happen. I just feel bad for her, you know? She was one of my closest friends. She doesn't deserve any of this. I can't even bear to feel at peace when I remember her. I can't just cherish our memories together because it's too much. I heard you got married before I was even able to visit her. Then, I was suddenly ashamed. It wasn't even my sin."

He didn't say a word afterwards and it was easy to see the guilt with him. "Yohan… I hope you would not judge me if I ask you this. Well, I guess you can but let me ask you still." I sighed. I asked this so many times in my head already. I thought it would be easy to say now that I am in front of him. "Did you kill her?"

"What? What are you saying? Of course not!" He quickly answered. He seemed believable but I could not trust him fully. "Why are you saying that? I don't think anyone would kill Lily. I would never kill her."

"I see."

"I swear. I could never kill her."

"It was just a thought, Yohan. That you never really loved her and you can't wait to spend your life without Lily. With all you told me, you can't blame me if that's what I'm thinking."

"Ellie… I am guilty of something but not of killing Lily. She is my wife. I love her. I was just guilty because… I was saved from the thought of leaving her because she was gone. I don't have to have the conversation. I didn't have to tell her things that would hurt her."

Each word was like knives thrown and stabbed straight through my heart. So, this was the reality of us that he kept from me all along. He was this unhappy.

I had no idea… and now that I do, I can't go back to him again.

I nodded as I fully understood our situation. We were apparently beyond repairable. The reason why we could never be back to being in love was that it was only me trying and that could never be enough. Even if I was Lily or even if I was Ellie.

In Yohan's version of the story, I will always be the girl who stole his freedom even when in reality, I just wanted him to be happy with me. Those are mutually exclusive events, however. One has to give up another's happiness.

I am glad I knew this now. I can cry and grieve and in the end, I can close the chapter of us.

His version was already closed. I will be the wife that will never return from the grave.

"Thank you, Yohan. Still… Thank you for the good times." I was speaking as Lily this time... this one last time.

In my story, I am walking away and also closing this chapter of us.