Remembering Lily

Lily II

I should get my s**t together.

It was almost an impossible task. I would wake up sometimes and forget about this new life. Oftentimes, I wonder if this is really better than whatever the afterlife has to offer. I am sure not everyone who died was given a chance like this, but... why me?

"I'm sorry I was busy yesterday. I really feel bad about leaving you here."

"Oh please, don't be." My voice sounded higher than its usual pitch. I try to mask whatever this strange feeling I feel inside. Blake has done a lot for me, even more than what I asked for. "Today was just boring, but once I get my routine back, I'd be better."

"Lily," I know by her soft voice that I'm about to be either warned or comforted... maybe both. "I'm willing to help you start anew, but it would be hard for you to get your life back."

It's not just hard... it's impossible. I know all of these, but a part of me says I can still get pieces of my old life back. That way, maybe I'd feel whole again.

"I know. Thank you for helping me, Blake."

Through Blake and her connections, I was able to get my new identity. I'm very thankful for all her help. I insisted on getting involved and contributing in ways that I could, and she must've known I was feeling troubled since I last saw Yohan, which was why I got a bit involved, mostly with the construction but she did all the processing.

I didn't know that there was a lot to do. I was just a teacher, I know nothing about a new birth certificate or how to get a five-year-old license or a passport. Creating a person's background basically from scratch was even draining. I had to think of a backstory, a common one with fewer people involved so no one would really take an interest. I wrote this new story with me as the main character. The option was endless but there was a lot to consider. It's tiring but it was more than enough to keep me preoccupied with the grief I didn't want to deal with yet.

I've never robbed anything my whole life but I feel like I'm a criminal running away from big crimes to do all this.

"I realized I'm poor." I laughed bitterly at those words. "Not really. I'm broke. I saved all this money for the small family I've dreamt of having and... and it's no longer mine. The money, not even my husband."

The rain was pouring hard outside and my hands begin to freeze from the cold weather. The sound of thunder just made me feel miserable.

"Are you sure about teaching again, Lily? That just means you'll see that woman again."

That woman. I honestly didn't think about her that much but if I want to get my life back, I may need to.

"I can't imagine not being a teacher. You of all people know that. It's... I need this, Blake." I replied to Blake.

I've considered Stephanie as one of my closest friends since I started teaching at the pre-school. She was kind, loving to the kids, and easy to talk to... but now I'd often wonder, should I still consider her a friend when she managed to snatch my life?

I know it would be t*****e but I want to know how they became a couple in such a short period of time.

Am I really that replaceable?

There were times when the marriage was a blur and I was uncertain about what we were trying to achieve or if we still have the same goals. Did he really want me out of his life so he could have the life he has now? He looked much happier when I last saw him... was it because I'm completely out of his life?

Many possible scenarios have passed and gone in my imaginative mind. Sadly, they weren't all dreamy and sweet. I'd obsess sometimes, wondering if he cheated on me behind my back. It would break me, the thought of it is already hurting me this much but I am dying to know. I would like to. I feel stupid for being clueless and the truth may be a hard slap in the face but still, I'd like to know.

The morning that followed was weirdly familiar. My eyes squinted as soon as I woke up because of the hint of early sunrise peeking inside the guest's bedroom window. It reminded me of a normal predictable day that others may find dreadful but it's exactly what I need.

It was a routine that is familiar to me. I had my to-do's ready in the back of my head. I picked some clothes from Blake's closet which she let me borrow. I thought a simple black and white dress was something I'd go to work in and just paired it with blazers. Blake is probably still in her home office, she told me she'll be staying up late last night.

It's like dancing to a familiar rhythm. My body, my hands, and my feet move as if they were trained to do a dance routine. I headed through the mirror and that's when I froze. Taking a step closer was almost unbearable when I knew I'd see someone in front of the mirror I'd hardly recognize.

My reflection scares me. Like how I would repeatedly watch a horror movie and get the chills every time. I know what lies ahead, I even memorized the features of that face but still, my head refused to accept that it's mine. I just can't.

Breathing helped me a lot. Just breathing. Trying to ignore the world and the situations that have yet to happen, the problems that have yet to arise. So I breathed a few more times and lifted my heavy feet. The marble floor felt cold against it or this could just be what they mean by cold feet.

The shade of my hair was darker. It is way longer and wavy compared to the straight shoulder-length cut I had before. My skin is more tanned than before. My eyes are bigger.

A tear fell from my eyes as I start to brush those long wavy hair. I really thought I was done with this, that I had no more tears left to cry but surprisingly, I still have.

I grabbed a handful of my hair for my usual half-do but the longer I stared at the woman in front of me, the more I realize that I want to do something different this time around. I almost don't let my hair down but today, I will. I would like a darker shade of makeup but settled for just powder and bold lipstick. I don't think I can stare at the mirror any longer.

I just took a taxi on the way to school. In my hands are the documents with details I had to memorize last night, together with the backstory I have created in my head.

You are born on December 1st. Transferred here after you lost my dear husband in an accident. You are a teacher then a tutor, someone with experience and who would like to come back to teaching.

I have these small details that I may or may not share. Some are true and the rest are portions of truth backed up with a lie. Lying was never a strength of mine and it would be easier to remember if the lies came from the truth like how I lost my husband in an accident, my accident.

I walked comfortably around the pre-school and smiled at a couple of parents who were kind enough to smile back at a stranger. Some of them are already familiar.

I didn't have to ask since I know my way around. I walked confidently to the principal's office with heels that hurt my feet. Everything I wore is comfortable except for these but the pain is bearable enough. Besides, I can still fake a smile for an interview I'm confident I'll ace.

"Hi." I apologized with a smile. "I'm sorry but I'm not sure where is the way to the Principal's office." Stephanie looked busy. Of course, the classes are about to start. "I'm really sorry for bothering you."

She was kind enough to keep listening even when he kept glancing at her classroom. Surprisingly, she didn't look annoyed at me wasting her time.

I can't help but compare myself to her at that moment. Like connecting dots from two different sides, thinking how could this woman marry my husband and how could my husband like someone who was so different from me?

I am here to get my answers.

"Uhm, it's okay. Just go there straight. You're on the right track. Just the third room from here. You can see her name on the door."

"Ah yes, I can manage that. Thank you. I'm a bit nervous about this job interview. Sorry to bother you." Amazing how this new body is helping me lie without stuttering and while looking straight in the eyes.

"Good luck to you!" her dimple showed as she smiled widely at me. She tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "You'd do great, I'm sure." Purposely spends more of her time waiting for an introduction. "I'm Stephanie." she introduced herself, offering a handshake.

The gold ring around her finger did not escape my sight. My lips start to shake and I can feel the chaos in my stomach, not because of the job interview but because I didn't want to touch her hand. It reminded me of what she gained through what I lost. It's hard to see her smile when I know part of the reason is because of why I cry. It's hard to succumb to jealousy but I automatically do now that I think of the happiness I see in her eyes and in my husband's.

My hands are ice cold and I start to feel nervous, not because of the interview but because of her. I thought I was ready to speak to Stephanie but all I could do is fake a smile and squint my eyes to make it look more real as I shake her hand.

"Elizabeth," I said. "Lily Elizabeth." I added which made her loosen her grip, probably startled to hear my new name. I saw a second of discomfort which she covered up with a nod before letting go of my hand immediately. Makes me wonder what more could I do.

"But you can just call me Ellie."