Remembering Lily

Dear Husband

"Are you ready to talk about what happened?"

"I can't speak because I don't know what happened..." Blake is still eyeing me with suspicion. It has been days, and she still refuses to believe whatever I say, but I couldn't blame her. I don't even trust my own words.

It sucks when every time I see myself in the mirror, I have this urge to punch my own reflection. It's a pretty face, a kind face, but it's also a face that does not belong to me. I would cry myself to sleep, hoping that it would take me to oblivion, but every morning, I wake up with the same unfixable situation. It's unexplainable how the hell am I going to accept this, whatever this could be happening to me.

I was hysterical when I first saw this face. It's ironic how they were smiling from ear to ear while I stared at my own reflection in their wedding picture. I was startled to see why it followed my movement, why the other woman's eyes mirrored my shock, sadness, and desperation.

I was begging Blake to take me. If she wouldn't, I don't think anyone would. My own husband is already with someone else. My own face is even gone. I needed Blake to be on my side. If that's too much to ask, maybe just a tiny portion of her trust.

I told her hundreds of information. I was practically begging her to listen to me even if she couldn't look at my face. From the pranks we used to do as kids, the details of how she broke up with her first boyfriend, and how she would still send emails about her mother, who died more than six years ago. These were secrets I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, and I think that honesty was rewarded when she finally started to consider, even consider, that I'm connected to Lily. I am Lily, but she still thinks I'm a different person. It's not much, but it is a step forward.

"I got into an accident, fell into the water thinking that would be the end of me, but I am alive. Ask me anything, Blake. I can prove to you that I'm who I claim to be. I'm Lily."

I am ready to answer whatever question will be thrown at me, but Blake didn't. She just stared at me, like how she would always do. I'd sometimes catch her observing me, still examining my every move. Probably desperate for an explanation. She just stayed still, "No need, Lily. I believe you, but nothing makes sense."

She was as lost as me, but Blake believed in me and gave me hope. "Thank you," I told her. I was gaining a bit of my own trust. At one point, I considered I could be crazy, that I was stealing someone else's identity.

We almost didn't speak for a week, but she let me stay in a room in her house. She lives alone and spends the day working, so I'm often left here with nothing but my thoughts.

"Thank you for believing in me. I know this is more than confusing-"

"It really is. You've told me things only Lily would know, and you act just like her, speak just like her. I've dealt with Lily's death-" her tears start to flow, and I felt a pang in my heart, "I've mourned her death, but here you are, claiming to be Lily. It's impossible, really mad! But how... how can you be exactly like her?"

"Because I'm Lily."

I have felt the loss of the part of me these past few days, but I forgot that the people who knew me have already dealt with their loss. They've already cried and said their goodbyes, probably gave their last flowers, said their regrets, and mourned my death. Most have moved on, and I remained a memory that would fade slowly through time, except for me. I was not yet given enough time to deal with my loss, not even process the information of my death.

Seeing Blake sob in front of me is, no doubt, such a sad thing to see, but I must admit it was comforting. She still remembers me. I am still someone worth her tears.

I hugged Blake as we both cried. "Thank you for remembering me."

Last night was just full of talks and joyful memories. After we spent hours and hours crying, it was an unspoken agreement that we talk about all the things in the world except the things that would make either of us sob—just catching up on the news and little things, mostly like celebrity gossip and new books and movies.

"You remember that guy you met at the club?"

She poured milk into the cereals. We decided we were too lazy and still a bit dizzy to cook. So here we are, enjoying the crunch of ready-to-eat cereals at noon.

"Who? Robby?"

I nodded. It still feels like there's still more to catch up on. I haven't seen her in months, apparently. It was only a day in whatever dimension my consciousness was placed. At least, it wasn't a thousand years. What if I wake up and then the first thing I see are flying cars and floating people and belongings from this time are placed in museums. Such a silly thought, but I've established that nothing is impossible if I could come back to life.

"I haven't seen him in months." She rolled her eyes. Well, that's kind of predictable. She liked him before, but I thought they were too different.

Unlike Blake, who loves to have fun with what she calls uncomplicated short flings, I wanted to settle down early.

I met Yohan in high school. He was my second boyfriend but my first serious boyfriend, my first love. It was a love story with a plot made up of mostly predictable scenes, but it's a story I've lived with the guy I loved and loved me back. For a while, it was perfect. Even with the challenge of keeping in touch with the different time zones as he studied abroad for college, we made it through and got engaged when he returned. I was only twenty-two, too early for some, but it was the right time for me.

"Do you have a new boyfriend now?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "I was too busy with work. I rarely go out, you know."

"Blake... Please tell me you had someone to talk to when I was gone."

"I did, at first. I hang out with Stephanie a couple of times. We got a little closer during your funeral, you know."

Something inside of me snapped when I heard Stephanie's name. She was the friend I saw in the wedding picture. In my head, Yohan is still my husband. We never broke up or got divorced. I don't know how I will accept that she is now legally my dear husband's new wife.

"I don't want to talk about her yet," I admitted.

She is also a teacher at the school I work at. One of the closest friends there, I'd say... Which is why I could never imagine how she could do this to me? But still, who am I to judge what happened? I'm just not comfortable enough to speak about her yet.

I'll deal with everything, but I need a little more time.

"What are we doing here? C'mon. Let's have a proper meal outside. My treat."

"Well, you better because I have no money."

We decided to go to that cheap restaurant we usually went to when we were broke. Now Blake is a successful lawyer while I came back from death. I want to get my s**t together as soon as possible slowly. I can't play the role of a dead woman returning from death forever.

"Blake?"

It was impossible not to recognize that voice. I stopped in my tracks and stared in awe as he moved closer to where I was standing. I didn't realize that I missed him this much. After seeing the wedding photo, he has suddenly become a memory, a loss that I've grieved for these past days... but he is here, and he is real.

I want to think that he was miserable. He is still crying over me, he still hasn't moved on from his dead wife, and a part of him is still wishing I'm alive. However, from my view, he looked perfect in every way, like a glowing person with the sun's rays just behind his back with his perfect smile and smiling eyes.

He looked like a different person, much happier.

"Lily... You are crying."

I touched my damp cheek and didn't even realize I was crying until Blake whispered it to me. I looked at her with pleading eyes, unsure whether to ask her to take me away from here or let me talk to my dear husband, who sadly no longer belongs to me.

"Hi," he finally says. "Long time no see."

I tried avoiding looking straight into his grey eyes, but I did... and how I regret it. His hair is longer than before, and he has a beard now.

"Yes. I got a bit busy."

Yohan's eyes landed on me. He finally noticed my presence and I stared at him intently, wishing he would somehow, by some miracle, know that I was me, but he didn't.

"Ah- Uhm... This is my friend, by the way." The panic in Blake's voice was hard not to notice.

I tried to play it cool and smiled at Yohan even when I wanted so bad to touch his cheek and hug him tightly. "Hi," I said in a low voice, afraid I would break into tears any moment. I am even aware of the tears about to fall from my eyes. "Nice to meet you, Yohan."

"Nice to meet you- Wait, you know my name."

It was weird how calm I was with this situation. I wasn't panicking at all. If there's something I feel, it's desperation. I'm desperate to tell him who I am and what I am to him. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I decided to pick my words carefully. "I just... I've known you before."

He said his goodbye after a minute of chit-chat. He didn't even ask for my name. He didn't care who I was.

At that moment, I decided I wanted to have it back; my job, my house, and my dear husband.