Honored

It was an unseasonably pleasant day when Knoron received news of the letter that would ruin his life. For the last several days, ice had accumulated on the rooftops and frost clung to the bare branches of the estate’s trees, but today the sun was out and the ice was melting and it felt almost hot. Or maybe the pleasantness was technically not unseasonable, since spring’s promised start had been weeks ago. But lately the weather had always been cold so any warmth seemed bizarre. His pet rabbit, Mavis, had even moved around in her cage a little so as to soak up sunshine, an uncharacteristic feat of athleticism for the elderly rabbit. Because of the pleasant weather, Theri-vin was helping him dress into a light green spring variant of his usual traditional dress, the sleeves reaching his elbows and the fabric light and flowy, when there was a knock at the door. “His lordship is not yet fully dressed. Who is calling?” Theri-vin called out as he worked on tying the many elaborate laces in the back. “Me,” Tsalir said, gruff and annoyed as ever. “Let me in if he’s dressed enough that I won’t see anything I don’t want to see.” He didn’t have anything indecent exposed and he would never dare keep his sister waiting, so Knoron signed to Theri-vin, “Let her in.” Theri-vin hesitated a moment, then he stopped tying the laces and lightly brushed a kiss to Knoron’s hair as he straightened up. Knoron tried very hard to keep his face composed. Theri-vin opened the door with a bow, and Tsalir, wearing her full Var uniform, entered. “Knoron,” she said. “I have something important to talk to you about.” She found a nearby chair and sat in it. Theri-vin returned to silently working with the laces of Knoron’s dress. “What is it?” Knoron signed to Tsalir. Tsalir didn’t quite meet his eyes. “So you know about the food shortages, yes? And the riots. And the general fact that our realm is f****d of we keep going like this, yes?” He nodded slowly. “Well. I have a solution. Hopefully. At least it should give our realm some money.” The fact that she was refusing to look at him was scaring him. “I’m sure you’re aware of House Sieus, no?” He vaguely remembered them from his lessons. They were the ruling family of the wealthy Realm Sieus. He didn’t know much about them except that they were very wealthy and that their realm was in the southwestern North though. He nodded, very slowly. “Well. The heir has requested your hand in marriage.” Tsalir produced a letter from her pocket. She rose and handed it to Knoron. “Read this.” “Salutations to the Honored Var, I, Sie Adalon Salamar-Valine Sieus, am looking for a suitable husband for my daughter and heir Shylar Adalon-Esler Sieus and my research has led me to your younger brother Knoron Haston-Ophala Varas. If you are interested in a potential alliance with Realm Sieus, please send us back a letter or acceptance via the messenger this letter arrived by, and myself, my heir, and any other family I see fit, will arrive at Estate Varas as soon as possible to assess your brother ourselves and judge if he is a suitable match for my heir. Regards, Sie Adalon Salamar-Valine Sieus.” Knoron just stared down blankly at the letter. He could feel Theri-vin stop tying the laces, but he didn’t know whether that was because he was done with them or because he was reading the letter over Knoron’s shoulder. “I already sent him the letter of acceptance. The messenger just left,” Tsalir said before Knoron could answer. He jerked his head up to stare at her in horror. “You already sent it?” he signed. “You already agreed on my behalf before I even got a look at the letter?” She wetted her lips, looking up at the ceiling. “I couldn’t afford for you to say no. Our realm is dying. Our people are dying and rioting. I might get assassinated if this keeps up. Realm Sieus is prosperous. Things would improve if we had an alliance with them. And an opportunity for an alliance just fell into my hands. I couldn’t just say no to that, now could I?” Knoron exhaled. Theri-vin was braiding his hair now, trying to look and act like just a servant doing his job completely oblivious to the proceedings, but Knoron could feel his possessiveness in every time he unnecessarily brushed his fingers against his scalp, could feel the anger in how tightly he pulled the braids. He knew exactly the message Theri-vin was trying to send him. “I would say I’d need to think about this, but since I have no choice in the matter, I suppose there’s nothing for me to think about,” Knoron signed. “I suppose I’m going to have to see her whenever they arrive and become betrothed if they think I am a suitable match.” “They will probably arrive in around three weeks,” Tsalir said, tone suddenly cheerful. “When they arrive, you are going to do everything in your power to make her want to marry you, yes?” Knoron exhaled again. “I’ll do it for the sake of the realm,” he signed numbly. “Good! Very good. Thank you.” She rose. “Now I will take my leave. When you’re done getting ready for the day, please have breakfast with me in my rooms. Alone. I would like to speak to you without your servant, if you please.” Before he could respond, she left. “You’re going to get married,” Theri-vin said once Tsalir had been gone for a minute. Knoron could hear the barely-hidden rage in his tone. “Maybe. Maybe not. Seems unlikely that she’d find me to be suitable once she finds out I’m mute,” Knoron signed. “Unless there’s a shortage of eligible bachelors of her rank around.” Theri-vin finished braiding his hair and then stalked away to get Knoron’s final accessories. “How dare she just sell you off like that without asking.” “Why does Tsalir want to talk to me without you? Does she suspect..?” Knoron slowly dropped his hands mid sentence, letting Theri-vin infer what he meant. “She might. It’s strange for her to specifically request to speak to you alone. Usually she just acts like I’m not there and talks to you in front of me.” Theri-vin knelt down to tie Knoron’s shoes on. Knoron looked away. Theri-vin had knelt just like that before him last night for… other reasons. He didn’t want to think that soon there might be a possibility that that would never happen again. After Knoron’s shoes were put on, they both rose at once. “I guess I should go have breakfast with Tsalir,” Knoron signed. Theri-vin suddenly put his arms around Knoron’s shoulders and pulled him close, before rising up on his toes to kiss him. Knoron immediately closed his eyes and kissed him back. He didn’t want this to end– not just this kiss, but all of this. He didn’t want to have to give up Theri-vin in order to marry a stranger. But if she accepted him, he would have to. Theri-vin pulled away after a moment and turned away. “Go eat breakfast with your sister,” he said, voice tight. Knoron swallowed. He reached out and touched Theri-vin’s shoulder gently, hoping to… he wasn’t sure. Make him less tense? Make him less upset? Make him look at him again? Make him kiss him again, once more, before it was too late? “I need to wash the curtains and bedsheets,” was all Theri-vin said. “It might not be this warm again for a while so I should take advantage of the weather.” Knoron dropped his hand and turned to the door. He wanted to say something else, but they were both facing different directions, so he couldn’t. *** Tsalir’s maid was already setting out pastries and tea in Tsalir’s private sitting room when Knoron arrived. The room was not a mess for once, probably the maid had just cleaned up before setting out the breakfast things. Tsalir looked up at him. “Oh good, you’re just in time.” She nodded to her maid. “Please leave us.” The maid finished setting out tea things, bowed low to Tsalir and shallowly to Knoron, and left, closing the door behind her. “Please sit down and have something,” Tsalir said, nodding to the tea and pastries. Knoron couldn’t say that he had much of an appetite today, so for now he just poured himself a cup of tea. Tsalir picked up a pastry and looked at it for a long time before speaking. “So. About your manservant.” Knoron took a sip of his tea to hide the fact that his hands were shaking around it. He needed to do something about that. Damn his shaky hands. It would be obvious once he had to sign anything. Hopefully the warmth from the tea would calm them. “I suggest that you retire him from his duties before you meet your potential betrothed.” Knoron froze. “Or I may have to ask him to quit on his own. I have no authority over him, obviously, so it’s up to either you or him, but I strongly request that one way or another, he is no longer in your company when you meet the Sie-Heir. Understood?” Knoron set down his tea. “I’ll need him to translate. The Sie-Heir won’t understand my hand signs.” “Good thing there are other servants who have been taught hand signs in order to understand you in case of emergency. I have a very smart maid who primarily cleans and works in the library who taught herself your signs on her own. I believe she would be an excellent fit, since she doesn’t serve an irreplaceable role in the estate so she could easily go with you to Estate Sieus to serve as a translator.” “You want a library maid to take over Ther-vin’s duties as my valet?” “Yes. Is there a problem with that?” “Would it not seem inappropriate for me to have a female servant undress me?” She glanced away. Then she sighed and finally took a bite of her pastry. Knoron had to wait for her to finish chewing before she finally responded. “I trust you to remain appropriate with a female servant more than I do with a male servant. Yes it might seem odd on the outside to the Sie-Heir, but I’ll come up with a story to make her understand.” His hands were really shaking now. He had to sign slowly. “What do you mean you don’t trust me to be appropriate with a male servant?” “I mean that we all know that your relationship with your current manservant is of less than pure repute.” “Are you accusing me of… being unprofessional with him?” “Yes. Don’t bother denying it. I know it to be true.” “What makes you believe that?” “Please don’t make me answer that. I don’t want to talk about your s*x life any more than you want me to talk about it.” Oh. He really didn’t like where this conversation had gone. “Even if hypothetically that was true, I would obviously stop doing anything inappropriate with him once I was married. But please let me keep him. He’s my friend. He has always been my friend. You know that. I wouldn’t be able to handle losing him.” She sighed and took another bite of her pastry. She took a long time to chew it. “I want to trust you not to commit a******y. I believe that you probably wouldn’t. But still. I want to be as safe as possible. I don’t want anything to risk this alliance. I know you’re close to him, but you should have thought of this before doing those things with him. You should have considered that you would have to lose him when you married if you took your relationship in that direction.” Knoron scowled. “You have no evidence that our relationship was ever like that.” She rolled her eyes and took a long sip of her tea. “You don’t really want me to answer that. I don’t think you want to know the evidence I have, and I’m not interested in humiliating you like that.” “I’m sure whatever evidence you think you have can be explained some other way.” She sighed loudly, clearly exasperated. “I’m trying to give you some privacy, just take it. It can’t be explained any other way. I think you should stop pushing for more information, you won’t like what you’d hear, and I won’t like talking about it.” He buried his face in his hands, finally defeated. Then he raised his hands to sign. “Okay, I give up. I admit it. We were romantic. But I will stop if I marry the Sie-Heir. I promise. I’m not that kind of man, I wouldn’t commit a******y. He was my friend before he was anything else and I don’t want to lose my friend even if I have to lose other aspects of our relationship. I swear on my life that I won’t commit a******y. Just please let me keep my only friend.” “You’re doing a good job of trying to manipulate my emotions, but it’s not going to work.” “I’m not manipulating you, I’m making a promise.” “You’re making a promise in order to get a favor out of me, that is, keeping your loverboy. And you’re invoking the fact that he’s your only friend to do so. You can become friends with your potential future wife and with people in her household. Or even your new maid, if you must, although it would be better if you could be friends with Northerners instead of just alark servants. It’s not my fault that you don’t have any other friends.” Knoron exhaled, closing his eyes, completely defeated. “When do I have to give him up?” “Any time before the Sie-Heir arrives, but I would prefer it to be soon so your new maid has time to learn her new job. You decide, I'll give you the dignity of deciding when and how you break things off with him yourself.” She was acting like she was doing him a favor. He hissed through his teeth at her as he rose, one of the few vocalizations he could make, and she visibly flinched. She looked genuinely hurt. She lowered her eyes. “I'm giving you time to say goodbye to him! I don't know why you're mad at me.” He turned away and walked towards the door. “Knoron…” He waited a moment, hand on the doorknob, for her to finish her sentence, but she remained silent, so he left. *** Theri-vin wasn’t in Knoron’s rooms when he returned. Neither were his curtains or bedsheets, so Knoron had the options of staying in his room alone with wide open windows and a naked bed, or going someplace else, like perhaps the library to try to find this maid Tsalir wanted him to hire. Or perhaps the laundry pool if he was desperate enough for Theri-vin’s company, which he was, but there would likely be other servants there and it was a very socially unacceptable place for an aristocrat like him to be. Which, if Knoron was in an overthinking mood (which he always was) he might think meant that Theri-vin purposely chose right now to do the laundry not because of the improved weather, but because he didn’t want to see Knoron and used the laundry as an excuse to avoid him. Lost in thought, Knoron wandered over to Mavis’s cage. The fluffy grey rabbit blearily opened one milky eye when he reached through the bars and scratched her head. At least he wouldn’t lose her. Yet. One day he would. She was very old. But not now. Funny to think that his aging rabbit would likely outlive his relationship with Theri-vin. He stroked her soft-furred head a moment longer. Some emotion was welling up inside him. It hurt. *** Knoron eventually went out to sit in the gardens alone awhile before returning to his rooms. It's not like he had anything else to do. He used to paint, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. Tsalir was holding audiences with some civilians today so the main sitting room was off limits since he most definitely didn't want to hear any of that. Things were depressing enough without him knowing all the details of how bad their situation was. After a while of Knoron lying on the naked bed and staring up at the ceiling with a crushing feeling in his chest, Theri-vin returned, with different sheets and curtains. “I will need you to please get off the bed, my lord,” Theri-vin said, utterly tonelessly. “Why are you talking to me like that?” Knoron signed. “We're in private.” “Because I am your servant and nothing more, so I should speak to you as such, my lord.” Knoron exhaled and rose. “Are you scared of people overhearing, or are you…?” Are you breaking up with me? Theri-vin started putting the sheets on the bed. “Both.” Knoron's eyes burned. “Tsalir wants me to fire you and replace you with a specific maid before the Sie-Heir arrives. But she said that will be in about three weeks. We still have time. Please. I want to be with you as long as possible.” “I assumed that she would want you to fire me. That's fine. I'll quit myself if you're reluctant.” “Why are you acting like this? Why are you acting like you hate me?” Knoron was crying now, and he couldn't stop. Theri-vin stopped working with the sheets. He closed his eyes for a moment, putting a hand to his forehead as if pained. Then he crossed the room to Knoron and put a hand on his arm. “The windows are wide open,” he murmured near his ear. “I would comfort you, but people would see. Let me go put up the curtains and then I'll explain. Please don't cry. I don't hate you.” *** It took him far too long to put up the curtains. Knoron offered to help, as he sometimes did before with various tasks, but Theri-vin wouldn't allow it, hissing something about the open windows. When the curtains were finally up, of course then he had to go finish making the bed while Knoron sat there in agony longer. Then he double checked all the windows, latching each of them as closed as possible and making sure there were no gaps in the curtains. Then he checked the door, looked outside it, and closed and locked it firmly. Then he sat on the edge of the bed and finally talked. “I didn't want anyone to overhear or see our conversation, so that is why I was acting like that. I probably will quit soon though. Your new maid needs time to learn her job. I don't trust you to not put off firing me until the last minute of the last day. I'll stay with you at least one more day though so we can say goodbye I guess.” “You seem incredibly nonchalant about this.” “I do?” He laughed humorlessly. “I guess I'm better at hiding my emotions than I thought I was. Guess it comes with being a good servant.” “Can you… stop hiding them?” “No. I'll break down and neither of us would want that. Give me the dignity of breaking down alone later.” Knoron sighed. He knew better than to push him on this, but... Seeing him acting like nothing was wrong when soon they were never going to see each other again hurt. “Can you at least tell me what you think and feel about this?” Theri-vin hesitated. “I think… I'll miss you. I don't know what I'll do with my life after you leave. I don't know what you'll do without me. I don't want to see you marry someone else. I know you'll have to. I know people will suffer if you don't. I'm not so selfish as to want to put my selfish desires over people's lives. But it really… it hurts.” His voice was changing, as though he was holding back tears. “I… I want to spend the night with you. Later. But that feels selfish and wrong, as if you're already married. But you're not married. So I would be doing nothing wrong if we spent the night together, right?” Rare vulnerability in his eyes, he looked at Knoron as if begging him for reassurance Knoron rose from the chair and crossed the room to the bed, where he took Theri-vin into his arms and let him break down. Theri-vin wasn't usually very emotional. He usually hid his emotions behind a layer of professionalism and a layer of irony and a layer of something else that was unique to Theri-vin. But right now the walls were down and Theri-vin was just a hurt young man crying into his lover's arms. Knoron wasn't usually the one comforting someone else and letting them cry into his shoulder, but if Theri-vin needed him to do that for him, he would. It was their last day together after all. Theri-vin eventually pulled back. “I ruined your dress,” he said. “I'm sorry.” “Tears wash out,” Knoron signed. “Don't apologize.” “It's probably around midday. You need to go eat lunch.” Theri-vin rose. His eyes were very red, but Knoron knew if he tried to comfort him any more, he'd be pushed away, so he left. *** That night, they slept in the same bed for the last time, Knoron's long blond hair loose and spread across Theri-vin's bare chest, long-fingered pale hand and brown-striped tawny hand joined. Knoron fell asleep to Theri-vin's heartbeat. When Knoron woke the next morning, he woke up to an empty bed and a piece of paper in Theri-vin's lovely handwriting saying that he had chosen to no longer be employed, leaving a blank spot for Knoron to sign to give him permission to quit. Knoron didn't let himself feel anything as he signed it.