To My First Love

They say first love never dies. It is almost 15 years now since I meet the beautiful soul of a woman who captivated my heart. Ruminating our time together encourages me to make this conclusion. You are my first and only true love is the only conception inside my head. This irreplaceable affection I have for you stand the test of time. Even for the longest time, you still hold a piece of my heart along with my soul. And you gain a respectful place in my life. How can such a person like me forget the mark you leave in my heart? You have been the beautiful ray of sunlight brightly shining this dark world of mine. I am Fred Gonzales and I have written a love letter to my first love, Lea Santos. Ever Dearest Lea, June 10, 2009 The loud ringing of an alarm clock wakes me up early in the morning. First day of our high school years but I’m not that excited at all. Every day is just the same. Nothing special. My life is just a series of mundane routine. This boring life of mine goes on everyday for eternity. But today proves me wrong that not all day is gray. Today, I will meet the only girl who makes this boyish heart of mine beat faster. Just one look at you and the whole world stops. Is it the world stop moving or my heart stops to beat? Even when we share the good amount of distance I could still feel my heart felt troubled. I never feel this way before. What could it be? I suddenly notice you amidst the crowd. For me, you seem to stand out. I like how your short hair touches your shoulder blades. I like how cute you smile to the person beside you. Your eyes that offers a positive atmosphere. I find you rather interesting. And my curiosity started to sprout. I have the sudden urge to know you. I want to talk to you. This is absolutely killing me. I suddenly got anxious of how I look. Do I look will groom enough to approach you? Does I properly gel and comb my hair? Does my clothes look crumpled? Oh God, I am irritated. I took a self-pity for not grooming myself well. They say first impression last. I have never thought in any under circumstances to get close to someone especially of the opposite s*x. Lea. Such beautiful name coming from your sweet voice. Only three letter name. An ordinary name. But for me it sound rather special. It never occur to me that such name could be this special. What had gotten me? I always treat people around me as ordinary. To be the first one to approach you like these leave an impression to the people that surrounds me. They may find me rather interested in you. I know that I will not shy away to the things and people that piques my interest. And it fuels my curiosity to muster the courage to know you. When your hands touch mine, I feel a tingling sensation that goes through my heart. What had happen to me? I never thought that such simple gesture can cause my heart to tremble. I am never like these. I always look things as boring. I always know that there are a lot of girls who dots on me. They are after my attention. And such attention irritates me. But they never leave an impression unlike you did to me. Since that brief encounter and making acquaintance with you, we become inseparable. I never thought that my high school days would be this exciting. Do you remember, how often we talk to each other since that day? And talking to you doesn’t bored me at all. I am rather always looking forward for another topic to discuss. You also seem to be a good listener. How I like your honesty to my opinions and views given. I like how your simplicity of ideas transpire. I like the fact that you view things differently besides its undesirable attachment. Do you remember, how we started spending our break time together at the library? How I am always looking forward to it. Me patiently waiting for you at our favorite spot. Books ready. You never complain about the book I recommend to you all the time. But you rather find it thrilling, me choosing a book for you. You seem to get excited about the book we would read. And share different opinions about it. Do you remember, how we love to explore history and politicians? How we debated over the best president of different countries and the contribution they made to their nations. How such heroic principles of the great people of the past leaves a legacy to live on. How we find it fascinating about the inventions of historic time impact our world today. We rather find it significant. Over the years of our high school life together, you never failed to listen and read over a book I mention. How you respectfully read the book I give you. Over the years, you never failed to debate me over my opinions to certain subject. Do you remember, how I always patiently wait for you after class? We always go home together. I love the fact that I have the privilege to bring you home after class. We sometimes make our short cut home along the rice field. How your loud laugh makes my heart flutter when our shoes get muddy. And how you insisted on bringing our slipper with us, wrap on a plastic cellophane, so we will not get dirty over our short cut trip. It makes me smile thinking about it. Do you remember, how you love walking at the clearing at the back of our school? How you love the scenery there. A flowing stream besides the small pathway. On the other side are the tall trees that brings gives a straight down shadow that makes the area special in your eyes. And below is the vast rice farm that offers a country feeling. How you dance with your hands on the air while you walk because you love the fresh ambiance of that clearing. And I love how you look that way. Just enjoying the nature. Do you remember, how unhappy you feel that day when the school principal decided to permanently lock the back gate of our school? It also sadden me. The back clearing of our school holds such memorable moments with you. Do you remember, how I insisted on changing position with you whenever we walk down the road home? Have you never notice me why I always position myself at you left side? For a definite reason that I am protecting you from all sorts of vehicle that will pass us going home. I am shielding you from harm. Do you remember, how many roses I give during prom night? How lovely you look at the light yellow plain dress. How neatly done your hairdo is. And how it compliments your over-all appearance. For others you seem to look simple but to me you are simply elegant. How you grace your presence with sophistication. How foolish of me to steal my grandma’s roses so I could offer it to my prom queen. Undeniably you are my queen. I can’t take away my eyes from you. Do you remember, how you love the song that played that day? High by lighthouse family. How you love the music and its lyrics. Specially the part that says, “When you’re close to tears remember Someday it will all be over One day we’re gonna get so high And though it’s darker than December What’s ahead is a different colour One day we’re gonna get so high And at The end of the day remember the days When we were close to the edge And we’ll wonder how we made it through And at The end of the day remember the way We stayed so close till the end We’ll remember it was me and you ‘Cause we are gonna be forever you and me You will always keep me flying high In the sky of love…” You have wan the song to play over and over again. I even suggested to you to make it our theme song. But you just faintly smile at me. Do you remember, how shy I am to look at you because of those numerous pimples that occupied on my face? How it affected my sustained physical appearance. I have suffered sleepless nights thinking about the better way to confess how I feel for you. Our classmate and teachers make fun of me about it. They say that these disgusting acne over my face is because of the feelings I haven’t confess to you yet. They even told you that you are the only girl that I focus my attention to. Do you remember, how I do all your computer assignments? How I only give my time to tutor you of our computer class. How I create an account for the both of us in yahoo. I have so fun exchange chat with you during our computer class. The stickers you sent to me, I find it cute. And how our classmates nag you to ask for my help of our projects. And how I told them that I am also busy making my project. But I always do have time when it comes to you. Do you know, how happy I am that day you finally accept my confession? I don’t know what prompts you to accept me as your man but I am happy. How I patiently wait for you at the front gate of our school every morning. And we also spend time together during recess. After school I never failed to bring you home. And at night I always make sure that you we still actively texting each other, saying our goodnights. I also find interesting spot for us to hang out during weekend. How we love to walk along the river control of our small town. How we love the breeze of the river at the dam. And how relaxing we feel during our walk with the nature. It makes me like you even more. Do you remember, how I love to gift you with stuffed toys? How you like small cute stuffed toys. You rather find tiny things special. I even give you a small watch that fits your thumb. I tell you to treasure it just like how I treasure you. Do you remember, how jealous I get when you teach those boys with their remedial lessons? I always go with you during this time. I hate the way they look at you, admiring you with all their gazes. Do you remember, how we talk our dreams and plans under the waiting shed? I admire you so much for having simple and attainable dreams. How you wanted to live simple and without complication. It is your wish to embrace for a simple living. Luxurious living is way out of your vocabulary. Do you remember, how agitated you were when I told you that my grandma wanted to meet you? Since that day you are cold and distant. You are not confident enough about of yourself. You get angry at me about it. What is wrong of having you to meet my family? But it seem like you hate the idea of it. You said that you are not worthy of you. And you are way out of my league. And that is the start of our cold treatment with each other. We no longer talk like we used to be. We acted as we are stranger to each other. And it makes me frustrated day by day. Am I not good enough for you? Is my affection still not sufficient that makes you leave me? We would be graduating soon but still we don’t talk anymore. I’m trying to figure out a way what had happened to us. What cause our relationship to end like this? I have this dream and plan for us to make myself worthy of your love. But WHY?