I would have loved you!

What do you think about high school? What are your memories from that time? My memories are of too many hours spent studying, of plans for a future where I would learn more and where the word "fun" meant watching a movie, hanging out with my few girlfriends, and going out, from every now and then, with my small group of friends, around whom I felt good, but everyone looked at me differently. If I could look back now, as if it was a movie, I'd say that I don't like it and that the main character, that is me, is a closed-off girl and a bit critical of her age. I think I was like that because I was way too naive. I believed in a perfect future, in an organized life, and I wanted everyone to think like me. To be sincere? I was a smug girl who thought she was better than the rest of the people around me. Done! I said it! Why was I thinking like that? I do not know! Maybe it was because I liked to think of myself as the best in the world and I tried, as much as possible, to avoid any situation that could have put me in the position of a child that causes problems. If I had to give a piece of advice to high school students, it would be this: don't consider anyone better or worse than you. We are all the same and we all deserve to be noticed. Stop looking at each other as if you've never been in the other's shoes. Surely all of you were once naive, inexperienced kids and surely all of you, at some point, needed someone to support, to understand you and to help you through that time so difficult that it is called "adolescence". Don't forget how hard it is to have a face full of pimples and feel like you're the only one going through that period. To feel your body changing, day by day, and not being able to talk to others because they give the impression that they have not been through this and that they were born experienced people; being a virgin at the end of high school and being ashamed to say it, as if the fact that you haven't already started your s*x life means you have some kind of contagious disease or some kind of mental retardation. Can't we really be ourselves in high school? Do we really have to wear a mask every day when we go to school, just to prove to others some things we don't even believe in? And what about s*x? We really have to have s*x because we reach a certain age, instead of making this experience one to remember for the rest of our lives and make us flourish, not bragging to others and feel, in the end, accepted? _______________________ It was the beginning of a wonderful spring day in Otopeni. It seemed that the snow had not passed, although it had been warm since the first hour of the morning. The illusion was given by the flower petals falling from the trees planted on either side of the street. So much had fallen that the edge of the street was simply white. It seemed incredible how many people were on the street as early as 7am. The horns of those coming to drop off their children at school could already be heard. Everyone was crowding to park right in front of the school, just so their kids wouldn't have to walk even 2 meters to the school yard entrance. It was even weirder that all those people lived in the same town where I lived. No one came to bring their child from neighboring villages or towns, while other children commuted, changing 3 means of transport to get to school. "Is this normal?" I asked myself every morning, leaning my forehead against the window, looking at them and continuing with the questions: "Did their parents bring them to school as well when they were young? Do they not trust their children that they can get to school or is it easier to keep them in a bubble, which protects them beyond measure, and which does not prepare them for life at all?". I had just woken up and got out of bed with the intention of going to take a shower. As always, I stopped at the window first. It was like a ritual for me. After I got out of bed, I went straight to the window. It was as if at that moment I was connecting with the outside world and preparing to start a new day. I was going to the same school where I had been looking out the window for 15 minutes, lost in thoughts about the world. My colleagues said I was lucky because I lived across the street from the school. I didn't have to be taken by my mother, nor did I have to commute, I didn't freeze on the road, I didn't waste hours at bus stops. However, I would have really liked to go to school and leave back home with my classmates. I loved it so much when my friends told me about their adventures on the bus almost every day, commuting, that I always told myself that I wouldn't have cared if I froze at the station or wasted hours waiting for the car to come. Being many, time passed in a much funnier way, I thought then. I am Eva, and at that moment in my life, I was 17 years old. I was in the twelfth grade, and I was by no means one of the popular girls in high school. I rarely stood out. In fact, I was noticed only in my class, among the colleagues who knew me as "the colleague from whom we take our homework". I was studying well. I usually used to catch the lesson in class. My classmates respected me because they knew they could always count on me to help them, but they saw me as the good girl who sat at her desk and couldn't be trusted when it came to messing around. Oh, well! After taking a shower, I started to get dressed in front of the mirror. Despite my toned body, as my friend Roxy used to say, I liked to wear looser clothes that didn't show off my body features at all. I never wore skirts in high school. Even on hot days, when my colleagues didn't know how to come up with shorter or more ripped skirts, I preferred comfortable but terribly "anti-boys" pants, as Roxy called them. The truth was that I really wasn’t thinking about boys at that time. I didn't even know back then how to behave around boys. When it came to dressing, I didn't put much effort into it. I wore my hair cut to my shoulders and in a ponytail. Since I started high school, my classmates haven't seen me with my hair longer than that, and the only time they saw me with my hair down was when, before or after gym class, I would let it down for a few seconds, just to fix it back in a ponytail. Makeup was out of the question; as long as makeup wasn't allowed in high school, I couldn't imagine how I could have done anything that would have put me in a bad light. Even though all the girls in high school wore make-up, even the "freshmen", I didn't have the courage. Yes… I think that's what I lacked the most: courage. The courage to break the rules at least once. It was very likely that nothing would happen to me, but all I could think of was me, standing in front of the class, being reprimanded by the headmistress. Not! I definitely didn't want to go through that. My girlfriends always told me that a good, discreet makeup would highlight my beautiful features even better and make me look more feminine. I thought, however, that I could wait until after finishing high school. It wasn't long until then anyway. Before I left for school, I would check my schoolbag again to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. And if I had forgotten something, I would just have to cross the street. However, I liked being prepared. I took school so seriously that I would get to class 20 minutes before all my classmates, even though I lived across the street from the school. As usual, that morning I got to class 20 minutes earlier, opening my notebook and book and going over the lessons. I was waiting for my colleagues to come through the door at any moment. - I bet we find her in class! I heard one of my colleagues ask my other colleagues he had come with. - Come on dude! Go in the class and leave us! You know that's the way she is. When she gives you the homeworks is she good? Do you still feel like having fun of her? Come on, move! The classroom door opened and the first to enter was Roxy, my classmate and best friend. Roxy was very different from me. We were like the North Pole and the Sahara Desert, good and bad, cold and hot... We were 100% different. She was petite, dyed her hair all the colors of the rainbow, wore super bright make-up, dressed like she went to a club, not school, constantly dated 2-3 guys at a time without them noticing, she didn't excel at learning, although she had convinced her mother that she was among the first in the class, she was always given a bad example by teachers, she was a jerk at school, she only cared about fun and yet, she was my best friend. I loved her unconditionally. Although she was so different from me, she was the person who balanced me, who understood me, through whom I lived things that I would never have done; she was the person from whom I learned a lot. Yes, I was learning from her experiences. I learned from Roxy's experiences that people judge and label you when you date multiple guys. From her experiences I learned that I would not have liked to be a negative example every day, nor to have countless absences, risking repeating the year. I didn't understand when everyone said that she was a bad example for me in particular. Everyone could see the difference between me and her. She was doing all those things, while I wasn't. I've never done those things since we first met in 9th grade, and I didn't do them until I was near the end of 12th grade. My relationship with her was always questioned and frowned upon, even though everyone could see that I wasn't doing anything she was doing. - How are you girl? She asked me every morning, sitting in the chair next to me, taking me in her arms and kissing me on the cheek. - I was rehearsing a little before the teacher came, I answered, breaking away from his warm embrace. - Oh...! Come on Eva...we all know you have no problem with these things. We should repeat. Actually, we should not repeat… we should be learning! Do you see me fidgeting? We have a little bit left, and we’ll finish high school. What do you think? That they will leave us repeaters? They can't wait to get rid of us! - I know Roxy, but the grade point average with which you finish high school also matters, then your baccalaureate grades and... - Enough Eva! Tell me: are you coming to my place on Saturday? Maybe we will go out to the mall to buy something. Anyway, I'm alone on Saturday night. My mom is at work, Roxy informed me with a smile on her face. - Yes. I would like to come, I replied, still smiling, thinking of the night we would spend laughing and talking about anything and everything until morning. The week went by and every day was the same. In fact, every day was the same anyway. I followed the same steps; I was always early at school and I did everything right. It may seem boring, but I couldn't have done it any other way, or at least, at that moment, I didn't want to do it any other way. On Saturday, at noon, I left for Roxy's house. - Hello! Roxy, I'm in front of your block. Come on, I'll open the door now. I'm waiting for you. I went up the stairs and Roxy was waiting for me in her pajamas outside the door. We hugged and I hung up my bag with the clothes I was going to change into while I was staying at her place. - Eva, we're going to have a great time today. I told Robert that we would both go to the Mall and he told me that he was coming with his brother and they would take us out to dinner. Maybe you'll like his brother, and who knows, you'll get along with him too. Do you realize how cool it would be if we both had two brothers as boyfriends? We could be sisters-in-law! - Roxy, you know I don't like this stuff. I don't want you to lump me in with the brothers or friends of the guys you're hanging out with. You know we don't have the same taste in boys. I'm going out with you now, but please stop doing this. - Come on, annoying one! Only this time. I'm sure you'll like him. In my mind, I was sure of the opposite: that I wouldn't like Robert's brother, that I wouldn't have anything to talk to him about, and that he would definitely turn to me. There were other outings where we "accidentally" met Roxy's boyfriends, who were with their friends or brothers. They all had the same purpose. No matter how much Roxy tried to "stick" me with who knows who - for reasons full of good intentions on her part - she always encountered the same disinterest on my part. It's just that none of them caught my attention, caught my interest, didn't have that element that made me want to get to know them better. I wasn't a freak. Simply, I wanted that when I fall in love, it would be something extraordinary. I thought that when I meet the boy with whom I want to see a second time, his attitude, his speech in his conversation with me, his smile and his look, will be the elements that will tell me that he is worth a second date. The condition was that all these elements must be combined. Taken separately, I think we would just be talking about 4 different people. Don't judge me! I know I'm not some princess or who knows what personality in this world, but I believe that everyone has the right to create their ideal in their life, as they see fit. There is nothing wrong with dreaming. We arrived at the mall and the two brothers were waiting for us according to the directions Roxy gave Robert. As expected, his brother was a thin boy, younger than me and smaller in height. I wanted to look into Roxy's eyes and give her that look that would tell her I wasn't at all happy with what she did, but she didn't look at me, not even for a second. She could tell from my eyes that I wasn't at all excited by what I was seeing, but she avoided my gaze, trying to prolong the moment, thinking that if we started talking to each other, things would start to go well, and I would start to like Robert’s brother. That was not the case! Roxy was obsessed with Robert both literally and figuratively. Once he took her hand, he never let her go. Basically, there was no way I could say anything to her without him being in our immediate vicinity. I then let Roxy go where she wanted with Robert, I apologized to his brother and left. I left a message for Roxy, asking her to call me when she got home, and started walking around the mall by myself until Roxy finished her date with Robert. There was no point in going home and then going back to her again. I never minded being alone. I liked to go shopping by myself, walk in the park by myself or stay in the house by myself. For me it was a break from trying to please the world. Looking at the glittering windows, people passing by in a hurry to get to who knows where, or some just walking aimlessly, I stopped in front of a clothes shop and looked at the mannequins, without any particular interest in the clothes on display. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, someone just bumped into me, making me take two steps to the side. At that moment, the bag fell from my shoulder and, picking it up, I said through my teeth: - I don't think you haven't seen me! Looking up, I saw the person I hated the most. He was the son of my mother's best friend. We knew each other since we were little, but we never got along well. From the first day we met, I had the impression that his purpose was to torment me. He was 4 years older than me, and he always beat me. Every time he saw me, he had these bad "jokes", like the one on that day, where he actually pretended not to see me. - How are you, honey? Why didn't you step aside? Are you really standing in people's way like that? he asked teasingly, just to make me snap. - I think you should have avoided me. You really didn't need to notice me. I could live without knowing that you are also around the mall. OK, bye! I replied, turning my back on him, and quickly walking away. - Don't you want to talk? How's your friend Roxy doing? - That is none of your business, I shouted loud enough for him to hear me, considering that I was already quite far from him. Even though I was far away and with my back to him, I could picture that sly grin he usually had. I swear, I didn't used to get angry or hold a grudge against someone, but that person was making me feel some things that I wasn't proud of at all. I knew, from several girlfriends I had talked to, about how he treated girls, how he seduced them, how he played Playboy, although honestly, I didn't understand what girls saw in him. He was fat, had long hair and an unkempt beard, and wore baggy clothes that had skulls and bones painted on them. There was nothing attractive about him. I disliked it the most when Roxy was the victim of the bad words that he spread left and right. I knew Roxy was in a certain way, but when he bragged about sleeping with her, it wasn't true. Roxy told me it wasn't true, and I believed my friend, who had no reason to lie to me. Under these conditions, how can you like such a man? Finally, I got the message from Roxy that she had arrived home. I took the bus to her house and in half an hour I reached her place. - Why didn't you hang out with Robert's brother? He told us you left because you had something to do, Roxy asked me as I walked in. - Hello! Did you see the difference between me and him? Didn't you see he was smaller than me? What was the point of me talking to him for so long? Please: from now on, don't combine me with anyone! It's clear that our tastes are not the same. - Good, good! But you'll probably age yourself if you keep it up like this, Roxy says with a laugh. - Girl, I'm only 17 years old. Do you want to get married right now? - No, but I want to have fun. - Have fun, Roxy! But don't get me involved. My turn will come, stay calm! I will find someone too, but that person must be really special. I'm weirder, I know, but I'm sure I'll find that one person who will turn my world upside down from the first word. - You are dreaming! If you don't look, you won't find, she replies, sitting next to me on the couch. - I don't think I need to look. Life will bring us together, without a doubt. If we're meant to be together, we'll find each other without looking, I said, firmly believing in this romance movie philosophy of life. - Eva, you are a dreamer. Get down on the ground and open those beautiful eyes of yours! You're too smart to believe in Prince Charming anymore. Look around you: your mother divorced; my mother divorced. Live your life! You never know what kind of person you're going to run into. You keep yourself as a stupid for who knows who and when you meet him, you'll realize that he didn't deserve you and you'll bang your head against the walls because you were waiting like a sissy for a dream to come true. Do you know what I realized? That you don't have to love, as long as he loves you. It is better to be loved than to love. - Roxy, I can't be like that. Let's change the subject. I saw Sergiu today. He bumped into me, as if he didn't even see me. What a fool! He had the nerve to ask me what you were doing. - Yes... I don't want to talk about him. Let me tell you what Robert proposed to me. He wants me to move in with him. - What? When? - From this week or next. Let's see when I tell mom. - Roxy, are you crazy?! I exclaimed about the bad idea I had just heard. You haven't finished high school yet. We have the GED in the summer! Do you really think you can afford such distraction from teaching? Your mother is going to kill you… literally. - I don't care, Roxy said, gesturing as if rejecting any outside ideas. I am already 18 years old. I'm an adult and my mom have nothing to do. I can decide for myself. - Girl, this is not about being major or minor. Do you realize that you will be like you’re married? Can you really stand still? Roxy, now besides Robert, you're dating two other guys. Do you think you are ready for married life? Because whether you realize it or not, that's what you will be. Now everything is rosy and wonderful, but you’ll spend all day with him, go out only with him, cook, wash, ironing. Besides, you don't have a job. Where are you going to get money to buy everything you buy now, with your mother's money? Do you think he's going to give you money to buy all the eyeshadows, lipsticks, creams, and hair dyes you want? I tell you: no! - He loves me like crazy and told me that he will fulfill all my desires. He treats me like I'm a princess. He has money, and anyway, after high school I'll look for a job. - Roxy, think carefully, please! - I already thought! I had nothing more to say to her. Any argument I had; she would immediately dismantle it. I was sure it wouldn't work, just like I was every time she would make the decision to move in with someone. She started making this decision, since then, about once every 5 months. Roxy was the person I knew like the back of my hand. She could never stay with just one boy. However, about twice a year, she moves from one to another. The next one would be even more beautiful and richer and more in love with her than the last, but the ending was always the same: she cheated on him, he dumped her, she moved on to the next one, and so on.