Butterfly to the Soul

Chapter 8

Ava

I was waiting to be called into the room where I didn’t want to go. ‘I hope they call me before I change my mind’ I thought. Nora wanted to be here but she had an important meeting so I was alone, and already wanted to run away from here.

“Ava Smith” the lady called my name. And here goes nothing.

I slowly got up from my seat and rubbed my sweaty palms in my skirt. Pushing the door slowly I peeked inside. To my surprise, there was no one. Letting myself in I looked around the room. Must say the room was giving me a soothing vibe.

My attention went toward the big glass window. Slowly walking up there I saw a beautiful garden with lots of blooming flowers. I wanted to touch and smell them so badly. Without thinking much, I opened the window. Taking a deep breath, I let the fresh air in which was enriched with the mild scent of those flowers.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” suddenly a presence behind me made me jump.

Looking at the smiling stranger I realized that he must be the psychiatrist. And I was standing in his chamber messing up with his window.

“I’m sorry, I was just… wasn’t thinking what I was doing,” I said getting nervous and closing the window.

“It’s okay Ava. If you want, we can continue our session here. I want you to be relaxed and comfortable around here.”

Wait! How did he know my name??

“How do you know my name??”

Raising a file in his hand he chuckled. “It is written in your file.”

“Ohh” I am so dumb.

“So Ava” he said standing beside the window with me “Tell me about yourself.”

“About myself?” maybe I wasn’t expecting that question because firstly, I have nothing to tell and secondly I thought he’ll directly ask me my problems.

“Yes Ava, for example, your family, hobby, studies, or maybe job. Anything you are comfortable with.” He said looking outside.

Taking a deep breath, I started,

“I’ve no family and was raised in an orphanage. Also don’t know who my parents were.” I was used to these sentence. They don’t hurt me the same way they did before.

“Sorry to hear that. I must say you are a strong soul.” He said giving me a sympathetic smile.

“If I was strong enough, I’d not be standing here with my mental problems.”

“Humans are not a robot. We have limitations. We feel pain and when pain crosses the line of tolerance, it becomes a trauma. But do you know when you make the trauma stronger??” he asked, looking at me. I shake my head.

“When you start to live in your trauma. Traumas are strong enough to make you mentally weak. They have their own destructive power to destroy your peace, but you make it more destructive when you let that trauma lead you. When your trauma speaks for you, when it starts to take the decisions for you, then it’s the time to know that your trauma has captured your soul.” He finished.

Am I really letting my trauma lead me? Am I living in it? But how can I forget this dreadful experience? The wounds that were given to my soul are still fresh.

“Is that really easy to forget that trauma? You don’t even know what happened. How can you say I am keeping the trauma alive in me, myself?” I asked him, sitting on the sofa behind me.

“Sure I don’t know what happened to you. But tell me one thing Ava, do you ever tried to live by keeping your problems aside? I’m not saying to forget that, but did you ever tried not to bring your past into your present?”

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was not ready to agree with him but his words were kind of true.

“Nightmares and hallucinations, still come when I not even get the chance to think about them. How are you going to explain that?”

“This is not about the thinking Ava, it’s a whole process of how you live, behave, think about others. It’s about how you see the world around you. But yes, of course there are some medications for these problems, but those medicines are mostly for a good sleep. It can’t bring the mental peace.” He said looking into my eyes.

“I don’t have any family, what I have, are some dreadful memories. How can you expect that the term ‘live a little’ will work on me?” I felt a sharp pain inside me when I say those words. Because these words make me realize that how alone I am.

“Again it’s not about what you have, it’s about what you can make. You have no one but Yourself. Still you are not taking care of it. You know what you had been through, how deep is your wound. You should take care of your wounds, but you are making it deeper.”

“What should I do then?” I don’t know why I was crying. I was feeling bad for myself.

“Live Ava. Just live like a normal person. Laugh, talk, find excitement in little things, observe other. You are not alone in this world. Try to see people’s pain and miseries. The happiest person in the earth can be sad. Set yourself free Ava. You are allowed to be happy. Don’t set the limitations for yourself which you don’t have.”

I was still crying, but this time I was feeling light. As if my tears are washing down all of my heaviness which was in my heart.

“Here you go.” he said handing me the tissue box.

“Thank you.” I said through the hiccups.

Suddenly the door burst open.

“Mam, the duration of this session is over. You have to leave now.” The lady who called me earlier said in a stern voice.

I looked at the clock and saw my 40 minutes’ session had turned into 50 minutes'.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize, I’m leaving” I said quickly getting up from my seat and picking my bag.

“Wait Ava, Luna, please give us a second.” He said glaring at the lady. I was surprised at the sudden change of his tone. The lady gave him a pained expression and scurried away.

“I’m sorry for her behavior.” He apologies.

“No, please. I was my fault; I didn’t notice the time.” I said giving him a smile.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked concern.

“To be honest, I don’t know. Maybe I need some time to process all these.”

“Time to our next session??” he asked smiling.

“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t even know if there is any next session.” I said laughing.

“I don’t know your problems yet. Don’t you think you should come and tell me those?” he said raising a brow.

For some strange reasons I don’t feel uncomfortable with him. It’s like as if I know him for a long time.

“You are getting late for your next session Mr…?” I said changing the topic but then I realize I didn’t know his name.

“Noah.” He said softly.

“Mr. Noah... I should leave now.” I said walking toward the door.

Suddenly I remembered that I forgot to put my phone in my bag which was in the sofa. I turned back and bumped into him.

‘Why was he standing so close?!’ I thought.

“I was going to walk you to the door.” He said nervously scratching the back of his head as if he could sense the uncomfortableness in me.

“I forgot my phone.” I hurriedly passed him. Took my phone and scurried away shutting the door behind me.

“Shittt” I heard him cursing from inside. ‘What happened?’ I thought walking to the elevator.

My mind was still processing his words and I was in a deep thought. I was looking outside from the window of my taxi when I noticed something was moving in the corner of a shop across the road. It was black and small. I narrowed my eyes to give more foucse on it. It was a puppy, covered in mud.

I got out of the taxi after paying him because I knew he would not let me get into the taxi with that muddy puppy as I had already decided to take it with me. I quickly run to the puppy and kneeled down beside it. He was fully covered in mud and also shaking like a leaf. I bring out my scarf from my bag and covered it to produce some warmness. It was a boy.

Slowly picking him up I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him close to my body. I didn’t care about the mud ruining my white top. I knew I was holding a precious part of my life in my arms. He was already giving me a happy feeling. He soothed my mind.

“Live Ava.” Suddenly his words ringed in my ear.

“Maybe I can start with you…” I said softly looking at the puppy who was sleeping peacefully in my arms.