Between Hate and Love

Chapter 33

Khal was patiently waiting for me to tell him something. He was on top of the bed, hugging me, and caressing my hair. “This feels surreal,” he muttered.

Five years since I was in his arms and now I was back again. And yet I feel guilty. Parang ang dali lamang ng lahat para sa kanya, habang dinadala ko naman ‘yung bigat ng ginawa ko dati.

“Do you think I deserve you?” It was the question that I had been yearning to ask him. Alam ko naman na sasabihin niya na ‘oo’ pero baka kasi noon ‘yon, at hindi na ngayon. I wanted some assurance.

“You deserve happiness,” Khal answered shortly. “And it’s the kind of happiness that you will not question yourself or make you afraid of having it….”

I looked at Khal. He was staring at the ceiling while his arms were around me. We were still both naked, enjoying the company of one another.

“And if I question myself about having it, then it isn’t the kind of happiness for me?”

Khal shrugged. “You’re always too hard on yourself, that’s why you see the happiness you deserve as something that shouldn’t be yours.”

I sighed deeply. If only I could run away from the truth and just savor the moment and move forward without having to face ethe consequences of my actions… Sana lang talaga. But I knew it was wrong.

“Khal…” I called out his name so he would look at me. “Are we okay now?”

Khal stared into my sould and gently pressed my waist. “I am not sure. All I know is that I don’t want to lose you again. Ayoko nang magpa-kipot, Angel. You’re back and I want you… I still do… even after all these years.”

His genuine words made me well up with tears. How could he be so patient of me? So understanding? How could a human being want me badly when I couldn’t even love myself in the first place?

There was silence once again. Alam ko’ng naghihintay na lamang siya sa sasabihin ko, at handa na siyang makinig. Pero heto ako, duwag at takot sa posibleng mangyari.

My whole system celebrated when my phone rang. It was Venera so I quickly answered her. “Yes?” tugon ko.

“Gaga ka, saan nga kayo exactly? San Juan?” Venera asked.

“Yes… Uhm… Actually, V…” I looked at Khal, unsure what to tell Venera.

“Yes? Nasaan ka na? Are they still there? How about that Sarah Sangson?” sunod-sunod na tanong ni Venera. Wala ako’ng naging sagot sa kanya.

“Okay? You want to meet me? Huh? You’re already outside, okay I’ll be there!” nagmamadaling tugon ko kay Venera. I ended the call, not wanting to hear her say anything more. I looked at Khal apologetically and started wearing my clothes. He looked puzzled and asked me what was happening.

“I have to meet Venera first, Khal… Please stay here, I’ll just talk to her,” paliwagan ko. He looked pissed, but he only nodded at me.

Nagmamadali ako’ng umalis at saka nanatili sa harap ng hotel. I waited for almost thirty minutes before Venera and Hendrix finally arrived.

Hendrix pakked the car and I watched Venera as she ran towards my direction the second that she saw me. “How are you? Ang haba ng biyahe, bwisit ka!” bati niya sa’kin. He pulled me into a tight hug until I could not almost breathe.

That was when I started crying…My tears rushed and all I could do was stay in Venera’s arms. She became my support — literally, as my strength finally dwindled down.

“What happened?” tanong niya habang iginagaya niya ako patungo sa mga upuan sa lounge area. She waited for me to calm down before proceeding to asking me further questions.

“Ano na?” tanong niya.

Hendrix was with us already and he was holding Venera’s hands.

“I think… I think, we’re fine already,” panimula ko.

Venera’s forehed creased. “Huh? Ano ba’ng nangyayari, naguguluhan na ako. Ayusin mo, apat na oras ‘yung biyahe namin!” pagrereklamo ni Venera. Hendrix immediately tried to calm her down.

“I think we’re fine… And he’s going to listen to me already… But I feel like it’s gonna be a reason for us to break apart again. I don’t know what to do anymore, V,” paliwanag ko.

Venera brushed her hair in frustration. She held her forehead and looked at me in a very confusing manner.

“Alam mo ikaw, gusto na kitang hampasin!” wika niya. It made me chuckle, but she was not joking. Pati rin naman ako, gusto ko nang hampasin ang sarili ko. “Eto na ‘yon, makikinig na si Khal sa’yo, sabi mo. Pero you’re too afraid to speak up now? Grow up naman Angel, hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon mauunawaan ka ni Khal. Kung ano man ‘yung naging desisyon mo before, he should know it and you should face the consequences of it. Stop being so duwag, ate ko!”

Ramdam ko ‘yung bigat ng sinabi ni Venera. I knew that she was somehow pissed of my actions.

“Nasaan si Khal niyan?” Hendrix asked.

“Upstairs, in his room.”

Hendrix nodded. He looked at Venera and Venera nodded at him. He then left us and I assumed that he would meet Khal so Venera and I could talk properly.

“Come on, ano ba kasi ‘yung kinakatakot mo?” Venera asked me. She held my hands as she sighed deeply, looking straight into my eyes.

“V… I was overly coward back then. Iniwan ko si Khal kasi…” my tears ran after another and the second I knew it, I was already breaking down. “I did it for myself… I did it for us. We are in a two-years relationship, V, tapos hindi pa rin ako sigurado sa kanya. How is he gonna deal with it, knowing I left because of that….”

Venera stood up from her seat to hug me completely. Sinubukan niya ako’ng aluin, pero matindi ang pagsisisi na nararamdaman ko, kaya hindi ko mapigilan na humikbi. “I was selfish V… He was right… Nakita ko si River and my whole world turned upside down, lahat ng… lahat ng dreams ko for Khal and I, lahat ‘yon kinuwestyon ko. I don’t wanna stay in a relationship na unsure ako, V…”

V hushed me. Halos hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang mga salita na lumalabas sa bibig ko dahil sa pag-iyak.

“Just tell him… Tell him everything, Angel. One way or another, he deserves the truth. He has to know.”

I nodded at Venera’s words.

Nang kumalma ako ng kaunti, she pulled out the chair in front of me and sat dow, asking me. “Ano ba talaga ang nangyari? Hindi puwede na umiiyak ka ng ganito, kung hindi sobrang bigat para sa’yo nung pag-alis mo.”