Between Hate and Love

Chapter 18

I was quietly looking at the streets we were passing by. Khal was driving quietly as he tapped his fingers to the steering wheel. It was awfully quiet inside the car and the only thing I could hear was our breathing.

My eyes landed on Khal and his features. He was so handsome. And hell, the older he gets the more handsome he was becoming. He was aging well like a fine wine.

“Where are we going?” I asked when I realized that we were going somewhere that wasn’t my place.

“We’re gonna eat. I’m hungry,” sagot niya. I was surprised… So, kasama ako?

Kakain kami’ng dalawa? At kaming dalawa lamang?

It shocked my core. I couldn’t help smiling so I bit my lips.

Khal hadn’t eaten yet dahil maghapon nga siya’ng nakatunganga sa mga paperworks niya. Hindi ko rin siya mapilit na kumain dahil hindi niya ako masyadong pinapansin kanina.

I nodded.

Hopefully, this dinner would not turn into a disaster just like the last time that I dined with him and Mr. Aziz. It wasn’t really a great memory – that lunch meeting, but the rest of that made me hope.

“Can I turn on the radio?” I asked, trying to break the silence once more because it was making me feel like there was a barrier between us.

Khal nodded and turned it on, switching his audio to FM so we could listen to some music. Afterwards, I tried to find a radio station that was playing something… something I know that we both like.

At kung sinusuwerte ka nga naman, there was one radio station that was playing Perfect by One Direction. It already had me singing in my head. I flat my back at the backseat and just started to smile.

The song… It was special for us.

I remembered one time we were in an unexpected car drive to Pampanga, and this song was playing. We sang it out loud along with our friends and had our head stick out of the car and just feel the breeze on our face. It was a wonderful moment… It was in my core memory.

I would never forget how much we sang it to the top of our lungs, how much we giggled, and how freeing that night was. And I was with Khal that time.

When it was the chorus part of the song and I was ready to sing out loud, Khal immediately turned the radio to another station. Agad na kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa ginawa niya. Well, that was rude!

“Bakit mo nilipat?”

Khal did not answer, but I was guessing, he remembered that night too. “You remember it, don’t you?” I asked.

Khal did not respond again. I crossed my arms and then just listened to a song that I didn’t know. About thirty minutes later we reached a restaurant.

Khal get off the car once he parked and so I followed him. I was just behind him while he was walking so fast. Umaakto na naman siya na parang hindi ako kasama.

As soon as we were inside, Khal ordered at once and asked me to do the same thing. It was an exquisite restaurant with a very Filipino vibe. Lahat ng nasa menu ay Filipino dishes.

I had laing, crispy letchon, and kutsinta, wondering what those taste like again. I never had those in years, kaya’t natakam ako bigla.

Hindi pa rin nagsasalita si Khal. Sobrang nabadtrip ata siya sa akin at sa kanta kanina. Siguro’y marami siya’ng naalala na ayaw niya ng balikan. Ayaw niya na ako’ng balikan…?

The restaurant was almost full and half of the diner were not from the country. Hindi na nakapagtataka iyon dahil gusto nilang matikman ang mga lutong Pinoy, which was actually flavourful and tasty.

Kahit na nasa America ako noon, hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin ang mga pagkaing Pinoy. The food was home for me, and they were my comfort. While I was abroad, it was one of the few things that still kept me sane.

Dumating ang order namin nang walang umiimik sa amin. Well, I actually tried to have a small conversation with Khal but he was dismissing me. While I try to talk with him, he was doing his best to just dismiss me. Paano ba naman, isa o dalawang salita lang palagi ang sagot niya.

We quietly ate and had a macapuno ice cream cream for dessert. Panaka-naka ang tingin sa akin ni Khal, tapos ay umiiwas na siya kaagad.

He paid for the bill. I insisted na hati kami, pero dahil siya raw ang nag-aya, ay siya raw ang magbabayad. Pagkatapos nu’n ay lumabas na kami. Gaya kanina, nauna siya sa akin sa paglalaad habang ako naman ay nakasunod lang sa kanya.

When we were at the parking lot, I pulled his hands so we could talk.

“Khal… Can we please talk… ‘Yung maayos,” pakiusap ko. Simula kasi nang makarating ako sa Pinas, hindi pa rin kami nakakapg-usap nang maayos. Kung hindi siya ang lasing, ako naman. Tapos kung hindi tungkol sa opisina ang pinag-uusapan namin, tungkol naman sa pamilya ko. Pero hindi ang tungkol sa amin.

But today… I had a bit of a courage to ask. He reacted to the song… that could mean something.

“What do you want to talk about, huh?” he asked, facing me with no patience. His left hands were on his waist, while the other one was massaging his forehead.

“Us…” I muttered. “Simula kasi nang dumating ako, hindi pa tayo nakakapag-usap nang maayos. I… want us to talk things out and sort this… Please, Khal,” pakiusap ko.

“Ano pa ba ang gusto mo’ng pag-usapan. Is this why you entered my company?” bintang niya.

Marahan ako’ng tumango, dahil totoo naman iyon.

“Yes, Khal. Please. Gusto ko’ng maging maayos tayo. I want us to talk about what happened five years ago. It’s killing me Khal. Gusto ko’ng kumpirmahin sa’yo lahat ng ginawa at mga hindi ko ginawa, I want to give you the whole truth.”

Khal looked so pissed. He hissed and shook his head at me.

He was disappointed.

“What truth?” he asked, and walked towards me, which immediately sent me stepping backwards until the car was already against my back.

“What truth, huh? The truth was clear to me. You,” he pointed at me, “left me,” then he pointed at himself. “You left me with a goddamn note and expect me to be fine five years after? No communications, no explanations! Just a f*****g note!”