Until My Last Breath

What if the person you love left you with no words? He just cut the ties off and literally disappeared. They say, the worst way you can leave someone is in silence. But isn't it also unfair to someone who you left behind? If you have plans on leaving someone then maybe at least tell them the reason why, because the most painful feeling in the world is knowing that you are not worth an explanation. It just ended. You could've asked yourself what's wrong, what happened, or why do you still needed to go without a goodbye? You don't have any idea if that person has still plan of coming back to your life, but you still sit there— waiting patiently, hoping that (s)he will comeback. And my hearts skipped a beat as I always remember those times... The wind was howling, the sky became gloomy. I was waiting for my girlfriend here in terminal when suddenly felt my phone vibrated from my pocket. I snatched it and saw the message on my locked screen. I swiped it immediately as I recieved a text from my sister. "Dane? Nasa terminal ka na naman ba? Please umuwi ka na. It's been 5 years since the accident happened, please move on. Wala na si Kiesha. Patay na siya." I clutched my chest. I felt like my heart shattered into pieces again. Piece by piece, smaller than grains. f**k. Why do I have to hurt this so much? I am still not yet convinced that she died. No way. She is not. Instead of answering her text messages, I exited her message. A fake smile plastered on my lips as I saw my picture with Kiesha's on the background so I visited our conversation and a tear escaped from my eyes as I read her last words, "Babe hintayin mo ako sa terminal ah. Malapit na ako." I am still waiting Kiesh. I am still holding for your last word. I wiped my tears and locked my phone. I put it on my pocket and still waiting for her to appear in front of me. For the last time, I looked around the terminal. I waited 5 minutes more until I finally decided to go home. Nang nakarating ako sa bahay ay kita ko kung gaano sila mag-alala sa akin. I looked away as I saw the tears in my mother's eyes. I hate seeing my mom cry. She doesn't have to be like this in front of me, I am totally fine. They just looked at me—. "Dane! Ano ba? Magiging ganyan ka na lang ba? Move on, please!" Raquel, my sister, scolded as I went home. "Ate, I'm okay. J-just let me wait her," I almost lost my voice. No can stop me from waiting her. She promised. She told me that I will wait for her, so I must wait for her. I don't wanna give up. Giving up is only for losers. I am not a loser. Mom walked towards me and hugged me tightly. "While waiting for her, you're also losing yourself in the process," she cried. I don't mind of losing myself. How can I be completed when there is a missing piece in my life? My sister heaved a sigh and massaged the bridge of her nose. Her eyes started to welled up, "Dane ano ba! Hindi ka na kumakain! Inom ka lang nang inom! Sigarilyo pa! Gusto mo bang mamatay?!" She yelled, crying. "Ayan 'yong ginagawa mo palagi for over 5 years! At ngayon, now look at you!! Look at yourself in the mirror!" She yelled, crying so loud. “Aren’t you tired? Kami ‘yong napapagod sa ‘yo Dane. Please, please see yourself. Check yourself, sobrang laki ng pinayat mo. Nag-aalala na kami sa kalagayan mo.” Ramdam ko na lang din pagtulo ng mga luha ko. I'm so messed up. I'm so f****d up, but I don't care. Without her, I find my life so meaningless and useless. “I’m fine,” I finally spoke. "Dane, should I remind you again na wala na siya? Patay na siya! PATAY NA," she emphasized so I glared at her. "NO! SHE IS NOT YET DEAD!" I shouted back. "How can you tell that to someone who doesn't even have found their body?! You don't know that maybe in somewhere places, she is there— living her life!" "'Yon na nga 'e! Okay fine! Let's say that she is alive, but is she here? Did she come back for you? Did she look for you? No, right? It's been 5 years yet she still didn't even care to visit you! Sa iyo na nga nanggaling, she is maybe in somewhere else, living her life! She is living her life now, Dane! WITHOUT YOU SO YOU MUST LIVE YOUR LIFE TOO." Dad stopped her. They are now trying to make her mouth shut but she couldn’t stop. She looked so pissed and angry. She’s also in tears. "Move on kana sa kaniya! Don't focus yourself to someone who doesn't even know about your feelings! Who doesn't even care about it! She's already done and you should move forward!" I bit my lower lip and closed my fist, "I will only stop loving her if I stopped breathing!" Madiin kong wika. I couldn't take the ambiance anymore so I left them all alone and ran upstairs. I went to my room and locked myself again. Slowly, I knelt down and cried out loud on the floor. I don't f*****g care if I look like a gay! Hanggat kaya kung umiiyak nang malakas nilalabas ko. Fuck. Why do I need to suffer this much? What did I do to deserve this pain? Will I’ll be happy again? Maybe.. if she comes back. I snatched Keisha's frame on my table. I wiped my tears as I caressed her face. No matter what happens, I will wait for you Kiesh. I will wait for you, and will always love you until my last breath.