Curse of the Blue Blood Moon

Chapter 3: Confessions and Revelations

“Breathe deep, and reach within for that core of light…” Sage Katlynn whispered, guiding my hands over the pup’s injured leg. As usual, I tried to slowly draw the soft, red light out of my chest and let it flow down to my hands. Sometimes it came easily, sometimes it wouldn’t happen at all. It took some coaxing, but it seemed like my magic was actually cooperating today. I thanked the Goddess for that small blessing. I furrowed my brow in concentration. Not too much, and not too fast. That would only make things worse.

“Excellent. Let the light flow, like the tiny paths of a forest stream. Gentle and continuous. Cool and calming. You can do this.”

I opened my eyes slowly, watching now as the pale red light laced itself over my hands, reaching down to the pup’s leg. I felt it like warm water circling my fingers, and the angle I pointed allowed it to flow off of me to the girl. As I did, the light landed on her and I saw her flinch, squeezing tighter onto her mother’s hand. 

I closed my eyes again. I didn’t want to see what sort of expression the girl had. If it was anything negative, I knew it would break my already fragile concentration.

“Let your light guide you now. It can see the pain and damage. Let it repair those things, and set our friend here at ease.”

I nodded, tentatively giving more strength to the light as it poured out of my hand. There. I could see in my mind a phantom image of the bone, and a tiny hairline c***k in it. A fracture. I took slow, deep breaths, willing the light to fill the c***k and knit the bone back together. On an older pack member, this sort of injury would heal in a matter of hours; that was the gift of having a wolf. But for pups whose wolves hadn’t yet awoken, injuries and illnesses still needed to be treated just like those in human children. Sometimes with modern medical technology and sometimes with sagework, depending on the issue.

For all the stress I was under, healing sagework was one of the few lessons that I didn’t mind. It only seemed fair that if I caused an accidental injury with my bizarre strength I should be the one to heal it. As it turns out, healing is another thing that can hurt if you do it wrong - lucky me. But Sage Katlynn, my healing and magic teacher, had always been super patient with me. She was only a little younger than my mom, with a dainty figure, golden brown eyes, and dark brown hair that was always pulled to the side in her trademark loose braid. The times I had hurt someone she was always there to fix it, and she had never been harsh with me. I looked up to her, and she was the only adult other than my parents I felt like I could really talk to around the pack. Still, I knew there’s some things I probably shouldn’t bring up with her. For all her support and kindness, I knew I had to keep my skepticism about the Goddess from her as well. Religious leaders tend to get touchy when someone questions their religion. Who knew?

After a few moments of concentration on the pup’s injury, I could tell the bone had been entirely fixed. I gently flexed my fingers and the red light started to flow backwards into my hand and arm. There was a stinging, swollen feeling, like my hand and arm had fallen asleep, but I breathed through it. It was a small price to pay to be able to help. I opened my eyes to see the girl staring at me, a strange look on her tiny face. I felt my ears twitch and flatten, and instinctively I shrank back a bit. Had it hurt her? Had I done something wrong again?

The girl let go of her mother’s hand and slowly reached out to me. I glanced over at Katlynn where she smiled and nodded to me. I reached out to shake the girl’s hand, but apparently that wasn’t what she wanted. She reached up, straining towards my head.

I realized what she was up to and chuckled. I crouched slightly and she immediately started patting my ears.

“How come you got your wolf ears on?” she asked, fussing gently with the rust red fur on my ears.

“Sweetie, that’s not a nice question,” the mother chided, giving me an apologetic look. I smiled back. I wished I could remember her name, but I knew she was a core believer. They were the only ones who would let me practice my healing magic on them. 

“Well, I was born like this. I’m halfway between my human self and my wolf self all the time.”

The girl pulled back her hand and furrowed her brow at me. “Are you stuck?”

“It feels like it sometimes,” I laughed lightly. “But no.”

“She’s the Blessed, sweetie - the Goddess made her special to help our pack.”

I tried not to let my discomfort at the mother’s comment show in my face or posture. Like I needed to raise this pup’s expectations of me too. 

The pup’s face brightened. “Like help me find my wolf? Can my wolf be red like yours? I like red!”

The tension broke in me and I laughed outright. Leave it to pups to miss subtext. “Well, your wolf will find you, but I don’t see why she can’t be red. You’ll find out when you’re eighteen.”

The girl asked me a few more innocent questions before her mother decided to pull her away, thanking Katlynn and I profusely for both our help and patience with her daughter. Once they were gone, I helped Katlynn cleanse the room with a combination of burning incense and natural sanitizing tonics. It was only after we’d finished and were headed back to the main portion of the Temple complex that she finally spoke. 

“So you’re having rather substantial doubts, aren’t you?”

I swallowed hard. She was never one to mince words - that was part of what I liked about her - but I didn’t expect her to cut right to it like that. I didn’t even think she’d caught on. 

She gave me a small, bittersweet smile. “I’ve known you for more than ten years now, pup; I can tell when you’re feeling troubled. Vincent also told me while you were getting ready earlier. He seemed to think you could use another person to talk to besides him, as your parents don’t appear to be...open, to the conversation.”

I cast my eyes to the polished wood floors. I didn’t know what to say. It was embarrassing to think an adult who wasn’t family knew me that well. And I didn’t exactly like Vincent taking it upon himself to tell other people my business, but I also couldn’t deny the heaviness in my chest. Helping Katlynn in the healing wing of the Temple was a good distraction, but it didn’t fix anything. It didn’t make me a sudden believer, or grant me a ton more confidence in myself. 

We walked in silence as we reached the heart of the Temple. It was a beautiful hall of polished white wood, with walls and pillars intricately carved and painted to resemble white birch and aspen trees. The vault of the ceiling was nearly two stories above and filled with green, silver, and pale blue stained glass in the shapes of leaves and branches. Sunlight filtered down through these skylights to create the impression of the spotted light of a forest all around the hall, glowing gently on the dark wood of the floor and small alcoves between the white pillars. At the center of the hall there was a massive fire pit lined with polished stone illuminated brightly by the hole in the ceiling above it. Another sage was busily cleaning the stones, preparing it for the full moon ceremony tomorrow. I looked away. Yet another duty to take away from me being able to fully enjoy my birthday.

Gently, Katlynn indicated to an alcove in the corner and we ducked inside, blocking out the hall with a thick green curtain. Inside were plush green and silver cushions on the floor and a wooden bench. Katlynn settled herself on the bench, looking at me expectantly. With a sigh I flopped onto the cushions. 

I didn’t know where to start, so I just said the first thing in my head. 

“I don’t want to be the Blessed.”

I paused, waiting for Katlynn’s reaction. When she didn’t say anything, it was like a dam broke inside me. 

“I’m so sick of somehow everybody expecting everything of me but then also not liking me, or being scared of me. Like I’ve got all these things I have to do and be good at, but also I have no friends or anyone who likes me beyond what I’m supposedly going to do for the pack. And frankly, I don’t think even I like me. I feel like I don’t even know who I am, as like a person. I’ve been doing nothing but training for my whole life. I’ve never gotten to just go out and experience things, try stuff, have fun. I can never leave the pack lands because of - “ I gestured frantically to my half wolf body. “I haven’t gotten to kiss anyone, or go on a date, and not for lack of trying. I don’t know anything about myself other than what other people want or assume of me! And nobody seems to care!” On the last phrase I burst into sobs, finally letting the despair free and into the open. 

My own words shook me. I’d never said them all out loud, but I knew in my heart I believed everything I’d said. 

After a moment, I felt a gentle hand on my head, smoothing my hair. I glanced up and saw Katlynn come down off her bench and pull me to her in a hug. A new wave of tears overcame me. Even if she didn’t agree with me, even if she thought maybe I was being too dramatic, Katlynn cared enough to comfort me instead of trying to shut me down. I clung to her small frame, almost tiny compared to my hulking form, as if I would drown without her. At that moment, it felt like that might be the case.

She let me tire myself out as we held each other. I eventually ran out of tears and let her go, slumping back to lean against the wall of the alcove. Hellebore was whining inside my mind, and I realized she’d been frantically trying to comfort me as well. I’d been so fixated on holding on to Katlynn that I’d completely ignored my wolf. 

I’m sorry Hellebore, I just got so caught up in myself.

Don’t shut me out like that; we are one whole. We’re so lucky we’ve gotten to grow up together while other pups don’t. It’s my struggle too.

I know. I’m so sorry. I love you Hellebore; I can’t wait to properly meet you tomorrow.

I could feel her happily pant at that, and let out a small sneeze. I giggled tiredly, wiping tears from my face.

I love you too. Now speak with our friend. She can help us, I know it.

“I take it your wolf was feeling left out?” Katlynn asked gently. 

“Yeah. I wasn’t really giving her her due. She’s been struggling alongside me since day one.”

“And what does she have to say about what you just said to me?”

I say we have been blessed to be together since birth, but it’s unfair how that gift has been used to control us and stop us from exploring. When we take our mate, everything will be better, and we can break away from the more ridiculous expectations of the pack. We will lead, but we will not do everything for everyone. The Goddess will tell us where our mate is, and we will be loved, without conditions.

I told Katlynn what Hellebore had said, and she laughed warmly. “Well, there’s the singular focus of the beast for you. Always fixating on mates!”

I bit my tongue. I was too embarrassed now to let Katlynn know that was the thing Hellebore and I agreed on and daydreamed about the most. She didn’t need to know that.

 “But I think in some things she is right. I think you have been overly controlled for much of your life. I’ve seen the negative consequences it’s had on you.”

She put her hand on the side of my face and I looked up into her eyes. There was pain there, and a great deal of worry.

“Elsinore,” she said, seeming to carefully choose her words, “there is no easy path here. There is no simple solution. I fear that this strain has consumed you for so long that you will latch on to what is easy rather than what is wise. I ask only that you not act rashly. Know that there are those who, like myself, love you unconditionally, whether it feels like it or not. I pray the Goddess grants us all the grace to both feel and show as much before it is too late.”

I snorted, letting out a bitter laugh. Katlynn dropped her hand from my face and I saw her shoulders sag.

“You genuinely don’t believe me, do you? After all these years, you can’t believe that I love you like one of my own? I’ve watched you grow before my eyes, and helped guide you for most of your life. You don’t trust my word?”

Her golden brown eyes searched mine and I looked away. I’d always looked up to Katlynn, and she was immensely important to me. She was my first teacher once my parents decided I wasn’t going to be enrolling in the pack school with the other pups. She’d taught me not only magic, but religion, music, and how to appreciate beauty in the natural world. She’d once taken me hiking for the best views of the stars at night so she could teach me the constellations and the myths behind them. She’d shown me how to make smores on that trip too. I couldn’t think of a time when she’d yelled, and her criticism was always constructive. She must have known I’d been growing more skeptical about the Goddess, just like my mom did, but she never questioned me or made me feel bad about it. 

But she was my teacher. She wasn’t my mom, or my aunt, or any kind of family. Of course she couldn’t love me. My tail twitched involuntarily. Another reminder of how different I was. How ‘other’ I was. 

“Your appearance has no impact on other people’s ability to love you, Elsie,” Katlynn insisted, as if reading my thoughts. “Anyone claiming as much is projecting their own problems onto you. You are intelligent, thoughtful, and kind. I have seen your strength as you push forward, even with all the pressures of being the Blessed and the future Alpha on your shoulders. You’re a fighter, full of perseverance. It pains me to see a pup - a pup I care about deeply - so unable to see the positives in themselves.”

“Because there aren’t any!” I shouted, jumping to my feet. She was lying to me now, and I wasn’t going to stand for it. I could buy that she liked me as a student, but she was taking it too far to still be believable. I wasn’t about to be made a fool of - not again. “You’re only saying all this to make sure I do what I’m supposed to!”

I went to march out of the alcove, but Katlynn moved quickly to stand in front of me, blocking my path.

“Elsie, stop, think - why do you react so violently when I speak highly of you?”

“Because you’re lying! You’re lying to me!”

“When have I ever lied to you?”

I glared down at her, trying to think, trying to throw something in her face. Katlynn met my gaze, a calm determination set in her jaw. 

Hellebore was growling in my mind, ready to help defend me, but her growls soon turned to whimpers.

Elsinore, I can’t think of any lies she’s told.

That doesn’t mean she’s never lied!

But she hasn’t lied to US. Why would she start now? 

Because - because - 

I violently turned back into the alcove as I felt heat rise in my face, felt a nervous energy overtake my limbs, making me want to punch the walls. I tried to fight the urge and instead tore at my hair and roared. Why was this hitting me like this? What was happening to me? Everything had so suddenly stopped making sense. Why did my teacher complimenting me and saying she loved me like a daughter make me want to hit her, or scream, or run away? 

Because if she can do it, why can’t our parents?

I froze. It was like the wind had been completely knocked out of me, and time seemed to stand still.

When was the last time mom or dad said they loved us?

They do! They do love us!

But when did they last say it? When was the last time they had something positive to say about us? Even today -

That doesn’t matter! They LOVE us! That’s what parents do!

But if they they never say it - 

The image of my parents kissing at the breakfast table this morning sprung to my mind, blurring out everything else. They loved each other. I could see it. I could feel it radiate off of them every moment they were together, even when they didn't say it. They didn't need to. They were capable of love. I knew they were.

Why was it never directed at me?

I was vaguely aware that I was still standing in the alcove, but it seemed like my surroundings were suddenly far away, like I was watching them on a tv screen in the next room. Katlynn was there, somewhere. I thought I could hear her voice, but it sounded like I was underwater. I couldn’t tell what she was saying.

I couldn’t breathe. I felt my heart drumming in my chest, nearly bursting out of my ribs. My lungs contracted on stale air, unable to inflate. Everything started to go black, and I sank into an emptiness that had always been there, waiting for me. Waiting for me to finally fall. I was ready. I fell with a bitter resignation, running from everything and everyone. I was ready to be done. I was a tiny pup again, both afraid of and willfully hiding in the dark.

I don’t know how long I sat there, letting the dark void permeate my being. It could have been moments, but it felt like lifetimes. What made it worse was that I liked it. I liked the way it felt miserable. I liked letting it take over, letting it consume and obliterate me. It validated me in ways I’d never thought possible. The misery felt beautiful, like the a haunting melody for the lost, like an elegant gown worn only to a funeral. It was pushpins through your fingernails, perfectly pulled off scabs, purposefully plucking out your hair, peering too far off the ledge. Every horrible sensation that sickeningly feels good beneath the twist and crawl of discomfort. It was a pain and a perverse joy I’d somehow known but never acknowledged, and I drank it in like I was dying of thirst. 

Then, a small, warm, golden light appeared in my mind’s eye. It flowed in to my perception like a gentle stream, a delicate ribbon dancing above me, flowing softly down to where I hid. It traced its way around my mind, lighting the darkness, bringing in a gentle dawn. Slowly I was aware of Hellebore beside me, nuzzling me, leaning her weight against my side. She had followed the light to find me. I couldn’t see her, but I felt her like a heartbeat beneath my hand. Her presence, like the light, was intangible but comforting. It was as clear as the darkness had been heady. The smell of approaching rain blowing away sweet, cloying perfume. The warmth of Hellebore and the gentleness of the light seemed to steady me, calmly bidding me to stand again. The golden light came closer, becoming brighter as it washed over my face.

I blinked my eyes open. I was lying on the floor of the alcove, with light from the stained glass ceiling scattered around me. Katlynn had pulled my head into her lap and placed her hands on either side of my face. Her eyes were closed, and I could see tears clinging to her lashes. Slowly her eyes opened, and the golden radiance pouring from them all but blinded me. She smiled down at me warmly, and I burst into tears once more. I curled up in her lap, and she began stroking my hair. This woman loved me like I was her own daughter - and I could feel it.