Who You Are

seven | definitely thinking willade

The weekend comes pretty quickly, the whole first week of school passing us by in such a blur. We've established somewhat of a routine, and everything falls together smoothly. Kade picks me up in the morning, and the rest of the crew meet us in the same spot. Molly ventures off before everyone, to where? I have no idea. I don't feel it's really my place to ask. Chloe meets us in first period and I'm mostly sandwiched between her and Kade throughout the day.

To say it's weird to have so many friends and even an actual cousin, would be putting it lightly. I'm not accustomed to the amount of attention they all express towards me, and I find myself, more often than not, counting as far as needed to bring myself from the brink of a panic attack.

I try not to show too much emotion. I just to focus on everything going on around me, but sometimes I catch myself gazing into the distance with debilitating thoughts circling around my head. There's been a couple times this week where Greta would find me in my closet, knees drawn to my chest, eyes shut tight and hands cradling my head. In those times, she just sits with me. She doesn't mutter a word. Not an "are you okay?" or an "I'm sorry" because, somehow, she knows that I'm not okay and there's no reason for her to be sorry. I'm just a mess.

I'm sitting between Kade and Molly at lunch, picking at the food Greta packed for me that morning, wondering what I'm going to do this weekend. But it's as if Molly can read my thoughts because she elbows me in the side, causing me to flinch from the touch, and tells me I'm going to the bonfire on the beach.

"We should get ready at your house!" she exclaims.

She doesn't even give me a chance to accept the offer, she jumps right into planning and involves the other two in it as well. I gaze off into the distance and listen as they ramble on about what to pack and what foods to get.

"You okay, Will?" Kade asks softly from beside me. I look at him quickly, plastering a small smile on my face.

"Yeah, just getting kind of a headache," I reply. And it's the truth. All the negative thoughts and mindless ramble that I work through in my brain is making it ache behind my eyes.

"Anything I can do?" he asks. He leans forward towards the table, folding his arms together and peeking at me sideways. I shake my head and smile once more before the bell interrupts us and we're on our way.

Fourth period doesn't get much better, and afterwards my head is throbbing so bad that I can't even see straight.

My head is against my locker when I faintly hear someone calling my name, I just don't have the energy to lift it to see who it is.

"Will, are you okay?" Kade says, coming into view. I turn my head sideways a fraction and wince from the pain, to see his worried face.

"My head just really hurts," I reply. "I think I need to go home."

"Let me take you," he responds, grabbing my books and bag from my hands and nodding towards the door. I don't argue, because I simply can't function normally. I follow him outside, and climb into his monstrous truck. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, resting my head against the window. We don't speak. The silence is awkward, but it's also pleasant. I don't feel the need to start a conversation and I don't think he does either. We listen to his music, soft and melodic as it is, and I try to quell the drum that's beating in my skull. It's not too long after that we pull up to the house, Greta greeting us at the door step. She places a hand to my forehead, coming away with a frown before telling me to head upstairs and rest.

I mumble an incoherent sentence before starting towards my room, stopping slightly to bid Kade a thank you and a goodbye. I don't wait for a return comment, I clutch my head and find solace in my bed and sleep. It's not till hours later that I arise, head steadied to a dull ache and feeling a little less flushed. I make my way downstairs; hearing Greta in the kitchen. Most likely whisking away on another dessert we will never finish, but I can hear another voice. A manly voice. A Kade voice. I peak my head around the corner and see him sitting in a stool, laughing as Greta waves her spatula at him with a smile on her face.

"Oh dear, you're finally awake!" she exclaims. "Are you feeling any better?"

I look from her to Kade, eyebrows raised as I mutter a simple yes. She gestures to the seat next to him and places a grilled cheese sandwich in front of me. I peak another glance to my right, catching Kade's smile before he shoves half the sandwich in his mouth. I listen to him and Greta talk a little more, quietly eating my food.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks, hands folded in front of him and concern lacing his features.

"Yeah, I get migraines sometimes. They usually go away with sleep." I reply. I blush slightly, not sure if I like the attention he's warranted towards me. We talk a while after that, about everything and nothing.

Kade stays for dinner, then leaves shortly after. After seeing him out, I yell to Gretta that I'm turning in. Heading for the stairs as I do.

"Willow?" she says from the living room doorway. "I'm glad you're opening up. It's nice to see you smile." She smiles once more before turning and going back into the room. I sit there for a minute, taking in what she said and smile to myself. Because it is nice. It feels so good to smile and feel normal for once.

* * * * *

I spend all of Saturday chewing my nails to nothing as I wait for the night ahead. I go from pacing my bedroom, to pacing the kitchen to pacing the back deck. And I don't even know how long it takes me to do that, but the sun starts turning a burnt orange and the sound of laughter echos across the beach below.

Chloe and Grace are all walking alongside each other towards me; bags clutched in their hands. Chloe says hi before running inside to see Greta. Grace types away on her phone before telling me Molly will meet us there and Kade is on his way.

By the time they get their stuff set up in the guest rooms, and have primped and pampered themselves ready we meet Kade and Travis at the base of the walk to the beach. And by the time we get to the party there's already people milling about.

"There you guys are!" Molly calls from across the way. She stands next to a very tall, and relatively attractive guy. His black hair is swept to the side in a mess, and he clutches a cigarette between his lips. I furrow my brows, wondering who this guys is. "Willow, come meet Zander."

My brows change directions. I'm surprised for a brief moment before I compose myself. "Hi," I say.

"What's up?" He replies. It's not a question, it's the statement someone says when they want to be polite but don't really want to talk. "I'm going to go find a drink."

We all watch him go. Then look to each other. "So, should we find something to drink as well?" Kade asks, breaking the awkward silence.

"Please!" Travis says from behind us. I follow the crew through the crowd. We finally find a spot a distance away from everyone else, and watch everyone around us.

"So," Chloe says, "you got a thing for Kade, huh?"

I whip my head in her direction, caught off guard by the simple sentence. I glance at her briefly before looking down. "I'm not sure what you mean?"

"Oh please, you can practically fill a lake with the amount of drool that falls out of your mouth," she says, rolling her eyes. I don't know what to say. I'm completely speechless. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if she's right. Is she right? Do I have a thing for Kade? No, he's just a friend. Isn't he? I'm panicking. My breathing is getting deeper, and I'm worried she's going to hate me.

"Hey, Willow, it's fine," Molly injects. "It's totally cool if you do. We totally ship it."

I breathe for a minute, blushing brightly. After a few long minutes of just sitting there, wondering what's happening and staring off into space I'm finally able to comprehend what they're saying. "Ship it?" I ask.

They both laugh. "What should it be? Willade? Kadeillow?" Grace jokes, "I'm definitely thinking Willade."

I blush profusely. "What are you guys talking about?" Kade says, coming up from behind me. I blush even harder. They laugh even harder. It's a disastrous cycle.

"Just coming up with ship names for Willow and her man crush," Molly replies. His face falls, before he smiles slightly.

"Oh?" he says. "Anyone I know?"

"Oh boy, do you." Grace interjects. She tries to contain a laugh but fails miserably.

"I-" I try to ingest my own sentence but an interrupted by the call of his name.

"Looks like the team is summoning. Find me later?" Kade asks. I nod my head and watch him walk away. The girls continue to giggle, ignoring the evil look I give them. I follow closely behind them as they weave through the crowd to one of the ten bonfires set among the beach. We stumble upon one littered with all the football players. Kade sits in the middle, laughing and pointing at someone off to the side. I smile as he smiles. He's contagious.

As I'm paying more attention to him, than to where I'm walking, I encounter the lions den. Dahlia.

"Hi there," she says. "We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Dahlia Parker."

She holds her hand out for me to shake. I don't. Not to be petty, but for the simple fact that I don't like to be touched. Especially not by someone radiating evil. I look to her hand. Then look back to her face. She's angry. I'm embarrassing her. I'm panicking. "Willow Brooks."

"Willow? That's a very—interesting—name," she replies. I look around, realizing that I'm alone. Chloe and Molly have walked off, not realizing that I'm not behind them. Why would they? I'm so quiet anyways, it's not like they'd even notice. My body starts to heat up. My mind starts to race. My panic attack is rising. I feel like I'm suffocating. "I don't know what you think you're doing with Kade, but I'm just going to tell you now. He's mine. Always has been, and always will be."

"Oh please, hellspawn. Don't lay a claim to somebody who clearly doesn't want it."

I look behind her, seeing Molly and Chloe to the rescue. I chance a glance across the bonfire to Kade's awaiting eyes, he's confused and concerned. I smile briefly before turning back to Dahlia. I'm so nervous my palms are sweating. "We-we're...we're just friends."

"Though he wishes it were more," Chloe mumbles under her breath, I barely catch it, but when I do my eyes widen. Surely she's just joking.

"Well, I just wanted you to know that we're just taking a bit of a break. He'll come back to me, he always does," Dahlia replies. She flips her hair over her shoulder, glares one last time and walks away. I'm a mess of emotions. I don't know what to. I don't know what to think. My head is pounding, my heart is racing, and my eyes are becoming blurry. I'm breathing heavy. I turn to walk away, I try to get away from everyone and everything but someone grabs my arm. I'm flinching involuntarily.

"Willow?" Kade says softly. "Come sit with me?"

I take a deep breath, shifting my eyes to his. I became extremely good at reading people when I started isolating myself from everyone. I can read each emotion that crosses their faces, each feeling that reverberates through their bodies. And in this moment, I don't see pity in his eyes. I see understanding. "Okay."

We sit around the bonfire with the whole football team, some of the cheerleaders. Molly sits on the left of me, while Kade is on the right; they're close, but not close enough to touch me. They all laugh and joke and tell stories. They push and shove playfully. I'm comfortable. I've never felt so comfortable in my life, and I don't know if I should be thrilled or terrified. The sun starts to close in the horizon, and I find myself staring up at the sky. I'm so lost in the abyss of the many colors that little the air that I'm startled when someone yells next to me. I yelp, I whimper. I cover my ears and my face, awaiting for the brutal beating that usually follow after.

"Hey, breathe." Kade says from beside me. He puts his arm around my shoulders and cups a hand over mine while burying my face in his chest. He rubs my back and keeps prompting me to breathe. By the time I'm able to focus on the world around me, I've counted to 652. My body starts to relax, and my hands fall from my face. I breathe in deeper, than instantly regret it because all I inhale, is the scent of his shirt. He smells like lemons and pine needles. An odd combination, but something so incredibly divine. He tightens his grip around my shoulders, like he knows what I'm doing. I pull away instantly, blushing hard core.

The area has cleared of every patron, and I'm so relieved no one witnessed my breakdown. "I'm sorry," I whisper, keeping my eyes away from his. He cups my cheek, turning me to face him.

"Firefly, it's okay. Don't ever be sorry, okay?"

I look at him closely. He's so beautiful, and I can't bring myself to get words out of my mouth. So I opt with a nod instead. He takes my hand and leads me away from everyone. Walking to the waters edge is a lot easier than I thought it would be. Then again, I've had so much practice in finding my way in the dark that it's become second nature. The water glistens in the moonlight, and I sit with the sand buried between my toes and my arms around my knees.

I once dreamed of the water. Of being on it, and in it. I used to dream of the sand of the beach between my toes like it is now. I used to dream of the sun on my skin, caressing my face. I use to dream of the peace, the tranquility. The utter bliss. I'd sit in my cell of a bedroom of my past life and wonder if I would ever make it here. Will I see the gulls as they circle the sky? Will I find the shells dotting the landscape and the driftwood that lay obscured on the ground? Will I gaze into the horizon, and lose myself in the endless expanse of it? It became my one goal in life. The light at the end of the tragic tale that my life told.

Staring at it all now, makes my whole wait worth it. And once Kade settles down next to me, I know this moment will forever be one of the best memory I'll ever hold onto.

We don't speak, we just watch and we just listen.

"I never saw the sea before I came here," I say softly, breaking the silence.

"That's depressing," he replies, mimicking the same two words Molly did just one week ago. I smile as I watch the moon, settling above the water, casting its breathtaking glow across the surface.

"There's a lot of things I've never seen. Or done."

He's quiet for a moment. Taking the the scene with his bright eyes. "I'm not going to pretend that I don't see that you've had a tough go in life," he says. "And I'm not going to push you to tell me your secrets, but I am here for you Willow. I wont judge you. Ever."

I look to him. The honesty, compassion and total trust that lay in his eyes made my heart hurt. He truly is an amazing person. It takes all the power in me to resist his call and tell him the truth about everything, but I can't. I'm just not ready. Not yet.

"You don't know how much that means to me Kade."

It's not until later that I realize he called me Firefly.