Who You Are

nine | that's baseball

I'm sitting on my bed, contemplating if I can handle the game tonight. The roar of the gymnasium will have nothing on the actual enthusiasm of the games vibe. I'm not sure if my mental state can handle such an onslaught of shoving, screaming, and ear piercing applause I know will happen. But, I don't think I could miss it.

It's the first real high school outing I've been on, especially having been invited by actual friends. I stand up and pace a hole through my carpet, one arm slung over my body with the other's thumb nail in my mouth being chewed to nothing. A thousand thoughts shoot across my brain, some good, but most are bad. And I'm extremely frustrated. I don't know why this is so hard.

My phone dings from the desk on the other side of the room, and after sighing and running a hand through my hair I look at it.

I hope you enjoy the game tonight. :)

I can't help but smile.

I hope you win the game tonight.

With you watching, I'm sure to win anything.

Now I can't help but blush.

Meet me afterwards? By the locker room. I'll give you a ride home.

Okay. Break a leg!

I'd rather not.

I didn't mean literally.

;) I know.

There's no way I'll be able to get out of going to this game now. He'll be waiting for me, and I'm not sure if I'm excited or nervous. Or both.

"Willow, dear. We have to leave in ten if you want to get there before kick off," Greta yells from the bottom of the stairs.

"Okay," I reply. I stuff my feet in my combat boots and throw a sweatshirt on underneath Kade's jersey. And after throwing my hair in a messy braid, I grab my phone and make my way downstairs.

"Three more weeks Axe, that's a long time," Greta says from the kitchen. I walk in quietly, not wanting to intrude on her phone call. "I know honey, I just wish you were here sooner."

I shuffle across the floor, causing her to look my way and smile.

"She's doing really well. She gets her cast off next week, and looks so much healthier."

"I can't wait for you to meet her either. She's beautiful," she replies with a wink in my direction.

I blush and look away, kicking my foot at the invisible dirt that dots the surface.

"Alright honey, I've gotta get her to her game before she's late. I love you, call me when you can," Greta says to the mouthpiece. She listens for a moment before nodding her head and saying goodbye. She slides her phone into her pocket and smiles at me again.

"Your father wont be here for another three weeks, that's the soonest they'll let him out of his contract. But he said to tell you that he can't wait to meet you and that he loves you," she says softly.

I pause in my mindless kicking, and look at her with wide eyes. I didn't expect his love so soon, and I'm thrown off that he throws it to me so quickly without having met me. "He does?" I ask softly, wetness pulling at the back of my eyes.

"Of course he does. You're his daughter, you mean everything to him," she replies, walking closer and putting her hands on my shoulders. I don't flinch from the contact she enacts because I'm not frightened of her. I know she'd never hurt me. "When you have a child Will, you'll love them no matter what. Through anything and everything. He's loved you since the moment he found out about you, and he won't stop until he's six feet under ground. Even then, he'll love you for eternity. Never forget that."

I nod softly, feeling the salt as it stings my eyeballs in a wet embrace. I look away from Greta's aged, beautiful face and wrap my hands around the bottom of Kade's jersey. We leave shortly after. And after a short drive to the high school stadium, and a farewell from Greta, I meet Chloe near the entrance and we make our way to find our seats.

The amount of people that shuffle up and down the staircase of the stadium seats is intense. It's insane. The noise is intensified by the rafters and the countless number of people that litter the benches. School colors attach to each body in a mix of jerseys, t-shirts, face paintings, foam fingers and hats. They talk among themselves, and over others. And I'm completely positive I'm out of my element and it would have been better to stay home.

"Look, they saved you a seat up front," Chloe says, nudging my side with her elbow. I follow the direction of her finger that points in the directions of the first row. Sitting in the middle is a sign, and as I get closer I realize its a 'Reserved for Firefly and Chloe Pierce.' I run my fingers over the scratchy handwriting and know instantly that it was Kade who set this up. I can't help the smile that lines my face at the thought. Somehow, he knew I'd have a hard time with the crowd, and somehow he manged to make it a bearable experience.

"He's got it bad," Chloe says, after we've sat. I look at her, quietly milling over her words. I clutch the small sign in my hands as I blink at her, not fully comprehending what she's saying. She laughs. "You've got it bad too, it seems."

I open my mouth to reply, but the stadium rings and the crowd starts to cheer. One by one, each person stands to their feet and shouts even louder. Music pours through the speakers and shoes pound the ground. Chloe jumps up and pulls me alongside her, screaming with her hands cupped around her lips. I look around me, eyes wide with panic because the noise is too much and the mesh of bodies that topple into me from behind and the side are enough to send my panic into overdrive.

"Look!" Chloe yells, breaking me from the brink of my hysteria and points towards the field. Cheerleaders form two lines on each side of the gym doors. Their pom poms race and they jump up and down as the doors slam open. If it's possible, the yelling and pounding intensify as each player makes their way to the field. My heart races alongside the surrounding noise as I notice a familiar number amidst the crowd of cleats, pads and helmets in the signature school color. And as he turns his head in my exact direction, I can see the grace of a smile as he waves and follows his teammates towards the sidelines. "Yeah, he definitely has it bad." And she smirks.

The other team enters the field, they get into formation and the bell rings for them to start. I don't know too much of what's happening, all I know when a member of our team gets the ball the crowd behind me cheers, and when they make it to the end of the field it's all out chaos and the number on the score board change. We're ahead, 14-0 in the first quarter; and I only know it's the first quarter because Chloe told me.

Half time gets here so quick I'm not sure what's happening until the stadium dwindles as people get refreshments and use the restroom. Chloe plays on her phone and I'm stuck watching people around me. But I'm broke out of it as my own phone vibrates inside my pocket.

You doing alright?

Once again, he has the power to make me smile more than I ever have in my life. Just by something simple.

Yes.

Good. What do you think of the game so far?

You haven't broken your leg yet, so that's good.

Lol. Very funny.

To be honest, I know absolutely nothing about football. But I think you guys are doing good.

Really? I'll have to teach you some things.

I'd like that.

Cool. Don't forget to meet me outside the locker rooms after.

I won't.

Okay. I've gotta get warmed up, I'll see you in a bit.

Yep. I hope you get a home-run!

:| that's baseball.

Oops.

He doesn't reply. My face flames as it turns an unruly shade of red from the utter embarrassment I feel from the end of that conversation. And I'm embarrassed the whole rest of the game. Mostly from the conversation, and the rest not knowing anything happening on the field. As the game reaches its end, and the crowd cheers as the teams shake hands and make way through the gym doors, I stand alongside Chloe and try to navigate the sea of people. The scoreboard sits high above the stadium, a solid 36 for home and 6 for away, proud and bold. The team walks away with a win, and I'm grateful I was there to see it happen.

"You're meeting Kade outside the locker room right? " Chloe asks, clutching my wrist in an attempt to keep us close together. I flinch from the contact, and I don't miss the question in her eyes as she catches it. But she doesn't let go, and I'm happy she doesn't. I nod and follow behind her slowly, and it doesn't take too long until we're walking the hallway to the gym.

Leaning against the wall, I fiddle with the hem of the jersey and keep my head down. I'm counting the tile on the floor when the doors slam open and noise bounces off the walls. The team emerges, sweating, laughing and high-fiving each other. Kade, Peter and Travis emerge last, towels slung around necks and gym bags hanging off a shoulder as they hold their gear in the other. Kade laughs at something Travis says, and I find myself smiling close mouthed alongside him. He spots me just moments after, smile never fading.

"Hey. You ready?" he asks, stopping at my feet. I nod and follow beside him as we make our way out the gym doors. The cool air hits us with a small gust of wind and I thank God I put a sweatshirt on last minute. I look behind us and see Travis and Peter joking and laughing, Chloe behind them with a now present Lucas. I look to Kade before facing forward, tripping over my own feet a little as I do.

"Yo, we're gonna head to the marina for some ice cream. You in?" Travis yells from behind.

Kade looks to me, then to him. "I don't think so man. I've gotta get Will home," he replies.

"Ah man, come on!" Travis exclaims, "we just annihilated that football game. We need to celebrate."

"Yeah, bring Willow with you. The girls are meeting us there," Peter replies, slinging his bag further up his shoulder. Kade looks at them both, furrowing his brow before turning his gaze to me. I shrug my shoulder.

"I don't mind," I say quietly. He studies my face for a moment, reading my expression before he nods.

"We'll meet you there."

And just like that, we're in his truck. Headed towards the marina to have social hour. I don't say a word as I sit in the passenger seat. I just look out the window and think of how I got here. How I actually got this point in my life. Where I could sit in a truck with a boy that I don't fear. I wonder how I think of hanging with all of these people, and actually look forward to it. I don't know how it all happened, I don't know what angel is looking out for me, but I'm eternally grateful that I'm where I am.

Because as each day passes, my soul slowly stitches itself back together.

* * * * *

warning: violent behavior

I sit beside Kade in the tight booth of the small ice cream shop nestled at the end of the boardwalk. Everyone around me is laughing and joking and having a great time. Me, on the other hand, lick my ice cream slowly; lost in a sequence of horrid memories.

The last time I had ice cream, I was ten years old, and I wasn't suppose to. I found that out the moment Jacob tore it from my hands, threw it into the wall and slapped me across the face.

"What do you think you're doing?" he yelled. I looked at him in fear, unable to form a coherent sentence over the knot in my throat and the sting in my face. "Who told you that you could have my ice cream?"

I blubbered for a second, "C-c-carol t-t-old me t-to find s-s-something to e-e-at," I replied. "It was a-a-all I c-c-could f-find."

He raged for a second before taking a deep breath, then he smiled. And it wasn't a normal smile. it was twisted. His yellow teeth didn't shine bright, his lips didn't stretch enough to show laugh lines and his eyes didn't crinkle in the corners. No. This smile told me to run. So I did. I dropped the spoon onto the ground and ran as fast as I could to my room. Though it was futile, because he caught me. He wrapped his hands around my hair and yanked as hard as he could, making me tumble to the ground and kicked me several times before dragging me to the bread box of a bedroom and locking the door.

"You don't get food for a week," he yelled, kicked the door and left. True to his word, I didn't eat at home for a week. But the teachers always gave me extras from their lunches at school. And I know now, I probably would have starved to death if they didn't.

The memory evaporates as a shoulder nudges me. I flinch away for a moment, before meeting a pair of grey eyes. Eye's filled with pain. Eyes that seem to steady me instantly.

"Do you want to get out of here?" he asks, taking the ice cream from my hands. I stare at him, no words or gestures seeming to break free. I watch him take a napkin and clean the melted ice cream from my hands, and the warmth and jolts his touch sends through me breaks through and all I can do is blush, turn away and mutter a small thank you. "Come on, let's get you home."

He scoots from the bench and holds out his hand for me, which I take with a shaking one of my own. He tells everyone goodbye and leads me through the shop. I glance back to see each set of eyes on us, the girls look at me with sadness and small smiles and the guys look at us with bright smiles and a wink. I smile back with my own sad, small smile and issue a wave, following Kade out the door and into the cool night.

The night ended shortly after. He took me home, walked me to my door, kissed my cheek and walked away.

"What about your jersey?" I asked as he turned. I gripped the hem, ready to take it off and hand it to him but his hands stopped me.

"Keep it," he replied. "It looks better on you anyways." And he smiled his beautiful smile, full of teeth and laugh lines and crinkled eyes.

"Kade," I yell as he reached his truck. He turned around with his hand on the door handle. "Thank you."

And I didn't have to specify what I was thanking him for. He already knew.

"Always Firefly. Always," he replied. And with a wink, and step and a roar of an engine he drove away. With my heart in his hands.