Sinful Attachment

KABANATA 17

Hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ni Chaos ang napag usapan nila ni Danzel.

Even after everything, even as the night went on and people around him continued like nothing happened, his mind kept going back to it. Every word, every question, every point Danzel made kept replaying, like it was refusing to leave him alone.

At some point, napaisip na naman siya.

“Should I try… or just leave it as it is?” Mabilis na umiling si Chaos sa kaniyang naiisip.

He leaned back slightly, staring at nothing, his thoughts slowly pulling him deeper. Alam niyang hindi ito madali. Hindi lang ito tungkol sa nararamdaman niya. May ibang factors pa rin, may ibang taong involved, at doon pa lang, nagiging komplikado na agad ang lahat.

“Fck Danzel.”

“Ang gulo,” he muttered under his breath, halos hindi marinig.

Kasi may part kay Chaos na gustong gusto gumawa ng move. Yung tipong titigil na siya sa pagpapanggap, aamin na siya, sasabihin niya kung ano talaga yung nararamdaman niya kahit anong mangyari pagkatapos nun. Kahit may maapakang tao, kahit may masaktan, pero at the same time he can’t. Kasi hindi siya ganoong klase ng tao.

At may parte sa kaniyang pagkatao na pumipigil sakanya.

“Hindi na tama… pumasok sa isip niya. Hindi na rin siguro dapat… Mali e….”

He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling slowly, pero hindi nababawasan yung bigat.

“Hindi na pwede, she has Kaizer in her life now.”

That thought alone was enough to make him hesitate.

Hindi lang ito about sa sarili niya at sa nararamdaman niya. May taong kasama si Chase ngayon. She has a partner. May lugar na baka hindi na para sa kanya. At kahit gustohin niyang maniwala na may chance pa, hindi niya rin naman mapigilan isipin na baka huli na talaga.

“Kung susubukan ko naman… ano ang mangyayari?”

Chaos frowned slightly, staring blankly ahead, hindi sigurado kung ano ang kaniyang gagawin.

Maaayos ba… o masisira ko lang lahat lalo?

At doon mas nakaramdam ng pag aalinlangan at takot si Chaos.

Hindi dahil sa rejection, hindi rin sa kung sakaling aamin siya at gagawa ng hakbang ang ikinatatakot niya.

Kundi sa possibility na baka makasira siya ng isang bagay na okay naman na, kahit hindi siya yung bahagi nun.

He doesn’t want to be a homewrecker.

So Chaos stayed there.

Caught in between what he wanted and what he thought was right.

Hindi niya alam kung sapat ba yung nararamdaman niya para ipaglaban. Hindi niya alam kung may laban pa ba siya. Hindi niya alam kung may mababago pa ba kung kikilos siya ngayon.

Basta ang alam lang ni Chaos, kahit anong piliin niya, may magbabago at magbabago.

At wala siyang kasiguraduhan kung handa na ba siya doon.

“How will you know if you don’t try?” Chaos heard Danzel’s voice in his head again, malinaw na malinaw, with that familiar mix of seriousness and teasing, parang katabi niya lang ito at paulit-ulit sinasabi ang iisang linya niya.

He let out a quiet breath, running his hand through his hair as he leaned back, his gaze fixed somewhere far ahead but not really seeing anything. Nakakainis kung gaano kalakas tumatak yung simpleng tanong na iyon, mas malakas pa kaysa sa ingay ng nasa paligid niya.

“Ang lakas mo talaga mangupal, Danzel.” Bulong ni Chaos sa kaniyang sarili.

Chaos thoughts kept going back and forth, parang ayaw mag-settle sa iisang sagot. One side of him kept pushing him forward, telling him to stop overthinking, to just do something for once, to take the risk kahit hindi sigurado ang outcome.

“Paano nga ba…?” he murmured to himself, almost unconsciously.

“Wala namang mawawala kung susubukan diba?”

Pero agad ding sumisingit yung kabilang side. Literal na nakikipag laban siya, isip laban sa puso, at puso laban sa isip.

“Everything,” sagot ng sarili niyang isip. “Pwedeng mawala lahat.”

He exhaled slowly, his fingers tapping lightly against the table, restless. Hindi niya mapigilan isipin lahat ng pwedeng mangyari.

“Paano kung subukan ko?” “Paano kung gumawa ako ng way para maipakita ko na gusto ko siya kahit na may Kaizer na sa buhay niya?” “Paano kung ilaban ko kahit alam kong mataas ang possibility na matalo lang ako?”

His jaw tightened slightly.

“Paano kung i-risk ko tapos instead na oaky na, mas tuluyan pa siyang mawala sa akin? Sa amin?”

That thought alone made his chest feel heavier. Hindi niya kayang mangyari yon. He can’t afford to lose Chase.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to shut everything out, pero mas lalo lang lumakas yung boses ni Danzel sa isip niya.

Napangiwi siya nang bahagya, like he was being pushed into a corner he wasn’t ready to face.

Walang kasiguraduhan na magiging okay ang lahat kahit subukan niya. Walang assurance, walang kahit ano.

He opened his eyes again, staring blankly ahead. For a moment, he imagined it, what if he actually said it? What if he stopped holding back and just told and showed Chase everything?

His grip on the edge of the table tightened slightly nang may marealize si Chaos.

He’s not scared to try, mas takot siya sa kung ano ang maaaring kalalabasan ng pagsubok niya.

Hindi siya takot umamin, takot siya sa magiging consequences sa ginawa niyang actions.

He swallowed hard, his thoughts slowing down but growing heavier.

Kasi sa puntong iyon, malinaw na kay Chaos.

This is not a choice between trying or not trying.

It was a choice between staying where he was, safe but stuck… or moving forward, kahit hindi niya alam kung saan siya dadalhin nito.

At yun ang pinaka mahirap.

“HOY! Kanina pa tulala.” Hampas ni Charlotte kay Chaos.

“Tara live in, Chase.” Chaos said it without thinking, the words slipping out so suddenly that even he didn’t have time to stop himself.

Danzel immediately choked on what he was eating, coughing hard as he tried to catch his breath. “Gag.o—” he managed to say in between coughs, halatang hindi niya inaasahan kahit kailan marinig ‘yon mula kay Chaos.

At the same time, Charlotte literally spit out the juice she was drinking, mabilis na tumalikod habang pinupunasan ang bibig niya, eyes wide in shock. “Ano?!” she blurted out, still trying to process kung ano ba talaga yung narinig niya.

“Seryoso ba?” Di makapaniwalang sambit ni Charlotte.

“Tagal pinag isipan.” Biro ni Danzel na nakangisi ngayon.

Chase looked at Chaos, completely caught off guard, her expression unreadable for a moment. Parang hindi niya ma-process kung tama ba yung narinig niya, kung joke ba ‘yon, o kung seryoso siya.

Hindi siya agad gumalaw. Hindi siya nagsalita. Nakatingin lang siya kay Chaos, as if waiting na bawiin niya, or kahit man lang ipaliwanag.

Even Chaos himself looked like he just realized what he said.

“Seryoso nga.” Ang tanging nasambit ni Chaos sakanilang tatlo.