Sinful Attachment

KABANATA 9

The things they can’t say when they’re sober suddenly come out like nothing is stopping them, parang bigla na lang nawawala lahat ng control na matagal nilang tinatago para lang mapanatili yung image nila at para maprotektahan yung sarili nila.

And that’s when you really start to see who is being honest. Kasi kapag sober sila, everything is filtered and calculated. Iniisip nila bawat salita bago nila sabihin, iniisip nila kung paano ito tatanggapin ng iba, kung may masisira ba, kung may mababago ba sa relasyon nila, or kung may consequences ba na hindi nila kayang harapin. They overthink every small detail, even the tone of their voice, even the timing ng pagsasalita nila. Kaya madalas, maraming bagay ang hindi nila nasasabi kahit gustong-gusto na nila ilabas.

Pero kapag lasing na sila, nawawala yung constant battle sa isip nila. Yung takot nila, at yung “dapat sabihin” versus “dapat itago” it suddenly stops being clear. Wala na yung usual hesitation, wala na yung careful thinking, at unti-unting bumabagsak yung walls na matagal nilang itinayo around their emotions. Hindi na nila iniisip kung tama ba or mali, kung safe ba or risky, or kung anong magiging reaction ng ibang tao. In that moment, mas nangingibabaw yung nararamdaman kaysa sa logic.

Doon lumalabas yung emotions na matagal nilang kinikimkim. Yung mga bagay na paulit-ulit nilang nilulunok pero never nilang naipapaliwanag nang maayos. Yung lungkot na tinatago nila behind their smiles, anger na pinipigilan nila kasi ayaw nilang magulo ang lahat, jealousy na kinokompromiso nila kahit alam nilang nararamdaman nila, or love na hindi nila kailanman masabi dahil natatakot silang masira yung connection nila sa isang tao. These emotions are not new, hindi sila biglaan lang lumalabas, matagal na silang nandiyan, pero ngayon lang sila nagkakaroon ng chance to escape without being controlled.

As people often say, “a drunk person speaks what the sober heart feels.” Kahit magulo ang isip dahil sa alak, hindi ibig sabihin na gawa-gawa lang yung feelings. Mas nagiging totoo lang siya, mas nagiging unfiltered, mas nagiging loud yung mga bagay na matagal nang tahimik sa loob. Parang lahat ng naka tago na emotions sa loob nila unti-unting bumubukas, hindi dahil gusto nila, kundi dahil hindi na nila kayang pigilan.

But even then, hindi pa rin ibig sabihin na everything they say is fully accurate or absolute truth. Kasi alcohol doesn’t only reveal emotions, it also distorts them. It mixes different feelings together, exaggerates pain, increases happiness, and sometimes makes simple emotions feel deeper or heavier than they really are. Kaya minsan, what comes out is a combination of truth and confusion, honesty and impulsiveness, clarity and chaos all at the same time.

May mga moments na parang sobrang totoo ng sinabi nila, pero may mga moments din na later on, hindi nila alam kung galing ba talaga iyon sa heart nila or galing lang sa emotional overload ng moment. That is why drunk words can feel powerful, but also complicated to trust fully.

In the end, those moments don’t always give clean answers, but they do reveal something important. Yung mga bagay na matagal nilang iniiwasan, yung mga feelings na pilit nilang pinapakalma when they are sober, suddenly slip out in the most unguarded way. And even if it is messy, even if it is incomplete, it still shows pieces of what they have been carrying all along but never had the courage to fully admit when everything was still under control.

Bago pa man dumating si Chaos sa bar ni Chase ay muling tumawag si Chase kay Chaos gamit ang phone ni Danzel.

“Sino yang kasama mo?” Mabilis na sambit ni Chase dahilan para makuha niya ang atensyon ni Charlotte at Danzel.

“Hoy babae.” Bungad ni Charlotte kay Chase na ngayon ay nakalapit na sakanya.

Tanaw ni Charlottte ang babaeng nasa likod ni Chaos, it’s Poli.

“Jealousy… Jealousy.” Tumatawang sambit ni Danzel matapos makita si Poli sa likod ni Chaos.

Chase was leaning on the chair, breathing a little uneven, clearly drunk. Her eyes are not steady anymore, parang hindi na niya kayang i-focus nang maayos kahit ano sa paligid niya. She is holding her glass, but even she doesn’t seem sure kung umiinom pa ba siya or nakalimutan na lang niya hawak niya iyon.

“What the fck.” Gulat na sambit ni Chaos nang madatnan na ganon ang kalagayan ni Chase.

Chaos is sitting in front of Chase, and just seeing him makes her feel even more confused inside. Paulit-ulit siyang tumitingin sa kanya, then iiwas ng tingin, then babalik ulit ang eyes. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin pero hindi niya alam kung paano sisimulan, kung saan siya magsisimula, or kung kaya ba niyang tapusin.

“Chaos…” Chase said, her voice is slow and unsteady dahil sa kalasingan. She lets out a small laugh after, pero hindi siya masaya. It sounds nervous, parang kinakabahan siya kahit wala naman dapat ikatakot.

She touches her head for a moment, trying to think clearly, pero lalo lang nagiging magulo yung thoughts niya. Lahat ng gusto niyang sabihin matagal na niyang iniisip, matagal na niyang bitbit, pero ngayon na nandiyan na si Chaos, parang biglang nag-freeze lahat sa isip niya.

“Bakit kasi kailangan ko pang maramdaman ‘to?” Napapa iling na sambit ni Chase, clearly, hindi na niya alam ang kaniyang sinasabi.

“What is it?” Tanong ni Chaos na tatayo na sana para lapitan si Chase ngunit binawal siya nito.

“Stop. Diyan ka lang.” Sambit ni Chase habang ang kaniyang kamay ay naka taas.

“Do you…” she starts again, then stops. She shakes her head a little. “Never mind.”

She gives a small smile, pero obvious na hindi siya totoo. It is the kind of smile na ginagamit lang para itago yung totoong nararamdaman niya, para hindi mahalata kung gaano siya ka-nervous at kagulo inside.

The truth is, matagal na niyang gustong sabihin lahat ng iyon. Pero ngayon, kahit na lasing siya, nandun pa rin yung takot. Takot na baka magbago lahat once she finally says what she really feels, takot na baka mawala yung kung anong meron sila ngayon, kahit pa hindi pa malinaw kung ano talaga iyon.

“Dinadaga talaga ko sayo.” Natatawang sambit ni Chase at saka pumikit.

“You know what, you’re just drunk. Let’s go home, I’ll take you home,” Chaos said seriously.

He didn’t wait for her to argue or say anything else. Without hesitation, he carefully lifts Chase in his arms and carries her out of the bar. She is still a bit unsteady, pero he makes sure to hold her properly so she won’t fall or hurt herself.

People around them barely react anymore, sanay na rin sila sa gulo ng circle nila and at this point. Chaos keeps his focus on getting Chase safely outside, walking straight toward his car. The night air feels cooler as they leave the bar behind, parang humahalo sa tahimik na moment after all the noise inside.

He gently places her inside the vehicle before getting in as well, making sure she is comfortable first before he settles himself in the driver’s seat.