Chapter 11
1587 Words
LUKE
I can’t do this.
Four words. Four simple words, yet, it was so difficult to utter them at that moment... when Jack and I were entwined in passionate embrace, kissing each other with anxious fervor and enlivened yearning, our bodies pressing against one another like they were desperate to be united as one.
Before I met him, I was a hundred percent sure that I loved Sarah, that she was the one who was meant for me, that I was the man who was destined to be with her...
That I was as straight as a damn ruler.
After the first night when I met him, I began to experience some doubts. About my devotion to the woman I was to marry. About my conviction to spend the rest of my life with her. About my own sexuality.
Tonight, at least one of those doubts became a certainty.
Even a ruler can bend, after all.
Indeed I was attracted to Jack. More than that, even. I may have feelings for him... feelings too powerful to ignore... feelings unleashed and augmented by this moment of passion we were sharing.
Yes, I may actually be gay.
But still, I wasn’t a cheater.
And this... this wasn’t right.
I had to stop it.
“I... I can’t do this,” I finally said as I pulled my lips away from his. “I’m sorry...”
“Eh?” he remarked, confused by my sudden desertion.
“I’m really, really sorry, Jack... this isn’t right,” I explained as I turned away from him, sitting on the edge of the bed a few feet away from where he was still lying.
“Sarah, huh?” I heard him mutter from behind me.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t be sorry then. You’re just doing what you feel is right.”
“Let me fix that aspect of my life first, please.”
“No problem. Will I like the end result though?”
“I...” I paused to think about things... how I really felt... about him... about Sarah... about how I wanted to proceed with my life. I couldn’t come up with an answer. “I don’t know,” I admitted to him.
He sighed.
I expected the worst.
A barrage of curses... a sucker punch... a fit of rage... a walkout...
None of those happened.
Instead, I heard him chuckle before delivering his response. “Well, it ain’t the first time someone gave me blue balls, that’s for sure.”
And just like that, the heaviness in my heart vanished. I laughed at his attempt at humor. I laughed so hard and I couldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried. I laughed and laughed for quite some time, perhaps minutes, but it did seem longer.
He laughed with me as well, not because he found his own statement funny, but because he found my wild reaction amusing.
Soon, our laughter ceased. It was followed by an awkward silence... but he was quick to break it.
“You know,” he began to say, “you’re actually a good daddy.”
“Huh?” His statement caught me by surprise.
“You were fantastic with that role earlier,” he continued to enthuse. “You sure it was your first time?”
“I didn’t even know I was being a daddy,” I told him. “I just... went with the flow.”
“Well, you’re a natural then.”
“Is that good or bad?” I started to worry.
“Good,” he answered rather happily. “Very good.”
His response melted my heart, but I tried not to dwell in that moment. I didn’t need that, not with a lot in my head, not with the things I had to confront and the decisions I had to make.
Jack got up from where he was and crawled towards me. He embraced me from behind, draping his arm over my neck. His hand dangled over my chest. I held it tight.
“This may be the last time we can be together, huh?” he asked. His voice was sad.
“I... I really don’t know, Jack,” I replied with all honesty.
“It’s okay,” he whispered with a snigger. “I might not be alive after this weekend anyway.”
Oh my God!
How could I forget about the predicament he was in? The debt he owed those gangster people? The deadline they gave him? The danger that awaited him if he wasn’t able to pay them?
I was so f*****g selfish! I drowned myself in my own miseries that I totally forgot about the graver problem that he was facing!
“s**t, Jack... oh fuck... that completely slipped my mind,” I agonized. “I’m so sorry...”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s my problem, not yours,” he shot back with eerie calmness.
“No!” I strongly dissented. “I want to be involved. I want to help.”
“Nonsense!” he tried to dismiss what I said. “This doesn’t concern you.”
“Will you be able to pay them?” I despairingly wanted to know.
“I’m... working on it,” he answered, unsurely.
“Working on it? What do you mean? Is that a yes or a no?”
“Uhm... I don’t have the money... yet, if that’s what you’re asking. But I have options.”
“Like?”
“Well, Holden Jones for one.”
“Who’s he?”
“He owns the Velvet Room. I’m planning to borrow some money from him.”
“He’ll lend you sixty grand?”
“I think so. I’m one of his star attractions. I’m a valued employee. He should take care of me, right?”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Jack... we’re talking about sixty grand here. If I was your boss, I’ll choose to fire you instead of lending you that big an amount.”
“Geez... it’s bosses like you that force people to unionize!” he said with alarming flippancy like he wasn’t aware of the direness of his own situation.
“You said options,” I reminded him to continue with our discussion. “Options. Plural. So, what other recourses do you have?”
He fell silent for a while before answering. “Uhm... that’s it, I guess.”
“That’s it?!” I repeated incredulously. “That’s your only option?”
“I’m sure I’ll come up with other alternatives, eventually,” he retorted, again, with perturbing frivolousness.
“Jack... the deadline’s this Sunday... that’s three days from now!” I reminded him. “You don’t have the luxury of time here.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure something out.”
“And what’ll happen if you don’t?” I dreaded to ask.
He shrugged. “They said they’ll kill me, but I don’t think that’ll happen. I mean, these guys... they’re neighborhood thugs. They’ve been operating here for years... decades even, maybe. I haven’t heard anyone they’ve murdered.”
“Maybe because everyone who owed them money was able to pay?” I suggested the most obvious reason.
“Hmmm. Good point,” he commented, again, with annoying nonchalance.
“Jack, let’s be serious here. You’re in big trouble.”
“Come on, Luke. Really, I doubt that they’ll kill me if I won’t be able to come up with the money. That’ll just generate a lot of heat for them. It’s bad for business. Worst case scenario? They’ll just beat me up and give me another week.”
Somehow, I doubted that, and the precariousness in how he spoke didn’t help any.
“Can’t you just, like, leave Northampton?” I proposed.
“Leave this town?” He looked at me with surprise. “No! I won’t do that. I’m settled here. My job’s here. I’ve got friends here. My life’s anchored in this place. And...” He paused as he bit his lip, as if he was about to say something that he realized he shouldn’t.
“And?” I pressed to know.
“Well... you’re here...” he continued rather timidly, a far cry from how confident (cocky, actually) he usually was. “I know, I know... you’ve got a lot on your plate right now and you don’t know where this... whatever this is... is headed. But there is a chance - no matter how small, no matter how slim - that you’ll drop everything and... well... come back to me, right? I don’t want to miss that chance, Luke.”
I began to choke up.
No one has ever professed such endearment, such longing, such tenderness for me my entire life.
Not even Sarah.
And I felt really bad that I couldn’t give him the same kind of sentiment without making uncertain promises.
“You’d rather die than miss that chance?” I asked him.
He chuckled. “I told you, they won’t kill me. They’ll just do a number on me.”
“I... I don’t want that to happen, Jack...” I told him, my voice weakening from dread and reproach and concern.
“Well, what will be will be,” he answered with a self-assured grin which I knew was feigned.
I hugged his massive arm and rested my head on its broad surface.
I wanted to save him from what was to come, but I felt so helpless...
So hopeless...
So scared...
- Writer
