Chapter 12
763 Words
JACK
Luke and I spent the whole night talking. About our lives. About our dreams. About our pasts. About what we want in the future. About everything we could think of. He just had around an hour and a half of slumber. I had less. I watched him as he slept. For a brief moment, his body was twitching. I knew he was dreaming. I wanted to know what he was dreaming of. I wished that I was a part of it.
Oh f**k!
These thoughts that I was having were weird for me. Never have I ever imagined that I would feel this way for another man.
But something changed that night we spent together. Something happened in between his acceptance of his role as a daddy and the kiss that we eventually shared. At some point during that period, my damn heart began beating his name.
Yeah.
Fucking sappy, I know. Mawkishly melodramatic too. Like, if my life was a book and someone’s reading my story, she’d think that this was shittily unbelievable, right?
But it happened.
And this feeling I have for him?
It’s real.
It’s f*****g real.
We parted ways at seven in the morning. He had to go to work and ‘fix some things,’ he said, and I didn’t want to keep him away from those, especially since I was hoping that ‘fix some things’ meant that he’d finally confront his fiancee and tell her that the wedding’s off because he’s in love with someone else.
Ha!
Yeah right!
For all I know, what Luke and I had was just one night stand - without the s*x.
I went straight to my place after leaving the motel. I never was a morning person. I’m needed at the club until seven in the evening, so my day basically begins in the afternoon. I had hours to spend by myself until I had to prepare for work.
More time to think about things.
I was renting a studio-type apartment in the workers’ housing district at Safe Haven, south of Northampton. A bed, a kitchen, a couch and an old CRT TV were all the prominent things you’d see inside. They’re all that I ever needed.
I lied in bed as soon as I got there. I stared at the ceiling for the longest time, trying to figure out how I’d proceed with this Luke situation.
So, he said that he’d fix some things and I assumed that he’d call off his upcoming wedding.
That’s just wishful thinking, of course.
The bigger probability was that he’d sort things out with his fiancee. He’d tell her that he deserved better. She’d defend her position. They’d argue. They’d cry. They’d both realize that they’re in love with each other. They’d reach a compromise. Then they’d decide if they’d have roses or daisies for the reception.
And where would that leave me then?
I could pine for him forever and hope that he’d find his way back to me. I could spend countless nights musing about what ifs and find a semblance of happiness in things that never were. I could sing songs about what life with him would be like even if such thoughts would just bring me grief.
Fuck that.
I’m a realist. Always was, always will be.
Luke can decide whatever he wants to do. It’s his life. I have mine. It’s damn pointless thirsting for something that I don’t have control of.
So I might as well stop wasting time thinking about Luke and these feelings I have for him and focus on matters that were more pressing and important, like, say... my own safety.
But that, too, was a dead end.
I told Luke about Holden Jones and how I thought he’d lend me the money I needed. That was a lie. No one’s heard from Holden Jones for the past eight months. There were rumors that he fell in love with this chick from Colombia and he has decided to reside there with her. The staff has been running the club since he disappeared. Everything’s going well, but no one knows how long we could keep it up without a boss.
So yeah, that Holden Jones option? That ain’t happening.
And the debt that I owed? I wouldn’t be able to pay it.
I honestly don’t know what Vinny Mac and his crew would do to me. But at this moment, I didn’t give a s**t.
I knew that I should’ve been fearing for my life.
But the sorrow in my heart felt so much heavier.
- Writer
