Things She Didn't Know

Chapter 3 - Only Our Hearts Can Lead

Jamie POV

Hot and sweaty all bundled in my hiking clothes and my puffer jacket, I can feel myself starting to slow down again. Gotta stop, I think for a moment, "Aa-ugh!" I scream, releasing all the air in my lungs, tripping over my own boots, stumbleing forward as I do. Catching my balance just as fast as I had trip, I tell myself, "gotta stop and take a breathe Jamie." Just for a second, I reasure myself. With both hands on my hips, I look up towards the sky. Letting my head lean back as I closed my eyes. Soaking up the suns rays, I try to even out my shaky breathing. I feel a tear slip out, followed by another. My emotions push to the surface with each tear that follows. "Here we go again." Comes one of those condescending thoughts. Those un-wanted thoughts always tend to rear their ugly face in these kind of moments. Just before I start bitching at myself to pull it together, Im startled from my thoughts. Hearing a few twigs snap and leaves restle off to my side.. My eyes fly open as I turn and scan my surroundings.. Nothing but trees, a few maple, some gorgeous burch but mostly thick pines. The only thing that lays in front or behind me is the path my hiking boots have managed to dig down and carve over these past few months. Dismissing the sound I continue moving along my path only to have my attention drawn to the same sounds again this time it's a bit further away. Cautiously I glance around making my way through some lower branches, pushing them out of the way. I'm getting the feeling now that theres eyes on me, sending a shivering feeling through my body. Odd, is all I can think, bringing my arms into a hugging position. I stand still for a few good seconds rubbing the chill from my arms. The woods have grown quite again. I've never seen signs of anyone else being out here. With that thought, I force my mind to focus again. Getting back a track, should make it to my destination in less than 30 mins if I keep up this pace. I love hiking. I have my whole life. A small smile comes to my face as I remember being little and playing hide and seek with the other kids that I grew up with. There always seems to be a simplicity about being in nature. Not just the fresh air and all of Mother Nature's blessings, but a freedom. There are no limitations. Reaching out, I grab my "handy branch," pulling myself up and forward, making it past a few bigger steps as the path levels back out. I may love hiking, but I'm definitely not the most graceful at it. As I continued to make my way, thoughts started creeping back in. The odd feeling that something or someone can see you , even if you can't see them, doesn't sit right with me. I remind my paranoid brain where I am. the what's, of course there's going to be noises. It's probably just some squirrels playing or trying to dig up their walnuts. If not that, then probably the deer. Whatever it may be, chances are I've probably startled them too. I shake it off. Looking ahead, I see I've made it to the 3 pines. It's a nickname I gave them but it's not just three pines trees though. Just passed them are some mega huge rocks well, boulders. These suckers must stick at least 5 ft out of the ground and unfortunately I have to climb up one and in between the other two to make it to my special spot. It took me a couple of days to make the corning path needed to get around these big fellas. But I did it, and it works out pretty nice. Trying not to stumble on steps and slip I take my time, yes I've most definitely learned the hard way. Some steps are easy for your boots to slip, which then becomes a pain in the ass. It's a good time when a boot gets wedged in and stuck. Yeah, not so much. Tossing my backpack a head of my so I dont get it caught on anything I carfully finish rounding the two mossy boulders, placing both feet on solid ground. Another smile crossed my face, getting closer. I can see my tracks from last time, sighing. I let out a little breath, again taking in the veiw. I don't think this view will ever get old. Picking up my pack, throwing it over my shoulder A little tune comes to mind and I can't help but hum to it as I pass through a cluster of pushes. Looking closely I'm grateful, this time of year there's not many berries. I've managed to stain up a few of my jeans widing through them, always telling myself I will bring a pair of snips the next time I come. I'm distracted by my thoughts as I check my jeans for thorns and spots when I hear a loud crashing of leaves and branches over top of me, loud flapping and gusts of air all coming at me at once causing me to shut my eyes tight instantly just as I felt the scratches tear into my skin "AHHHHHH!!" I screamed, dropping to my knees, raising my arms up to protect my face.. with my heart drilling in my chest a feel a spirt of anger surge, lifting my face to see around me, "What the f**k?!" Are you kidding me?!" I glance up and see the good for nothing crow flying through the treetops. "Damn you!" I yelled at it, not that it could hear me or care if it could. Taking a deep breath I bring my hand to my neck, feeling a sharp burning pain as my fingers feel over the scratches, "Damn bird!" I huff out, my heart still racing. There's another feeling I hate. I think as I pull myself up from the ground. Whiping the dirt from my hands, "Should have taken Sarah up on those target practice lessons." I smile to myself, not that I had any weapons with me nor would I ever really get even. But right now the thought seemed to help. Check my packk, I grabbed the water bottle from its side pouch, taking a drink while I checked the area Im in. I'm hoping to calm the ramming happening in my chest. I bring myself back to the purpose Im here. Whiping my jeans off, I stick the water bottle back. I bend over placing one hand on each knee. I feel it coming, and I hate it. Starting to feel dizzy, my mind reals so fast that there is no time to object. My ears start to ring and I can't focus, I try, but my vision goes spotty. I couldn't even feel my body hit the ground before everything went dark.

( It's like a memory this place I wake up in, yet not one I have lived.

I'm here, standing in the woods. It's hard to explain, if feels so familiar yet I don't recognize it. I can feel myself start to move as if I'm on a ride or something. I'm not controlling it. I tried to pay attention and take as much in as I can.

Every step I take is calculated and swift, gish almost graceful. It's like everything I'm looking at is moving so fast, making the colors look like blending straight lines. These colors though, so stunning and bright! I could get lost in them if it werent for smells being so distracting! Oh my! The air smells, oh gosh, the smells are everywhere! So freah and so bold!! I can feel myself move from one spot to the next. Never staying for more then just a few seconds at each place. Not even long enough for me to take in what I was doing or where I could be. I had this feeling in the pit of my stumik, like I was in need of finding something. I couldn't think long enough to understand this feeling before a new smell hit me, one that's so strong... what is that? I wonder as i feel my body moving faster, following the smell. It's so intense and is growing stronger, weird though.. its like 2 smells now. Is it changing? Its starting to mix with a bit of... wait, is something burning? I feel lightheaded as I move. Confused, Looking around I feel like I'm being pulled in circles until finally it stops. my Direction takes a change after looking up and seeing smoke. Back to pushing farward at full speed, or at leastbI think so, I crash through the leaves and branches coming to the end of the woods, bringing me to a stop.

I feel like this smell is fogging my mind, it seems like gramcrackers and marshmallows!!! But mixed with the smell of smoke more like Smoores. Oh gosh, that's it. Cedar wood and smoores. It makes my mouth drool as I take deeper breaths of it I can even hear myself panting now. Yes, sounds like a dog panting and out of breath. As this thought is caughting uo with me, knowing i havent seen any dogs I feel myself sick my lips, nose. Wait, no..

now as if I hadn't actually been paying attention before and following the sensations that I've been feeling. I am now, and I'm unbelievably shocked!! That is not a nose, that's a f*****g snout?! Once again, before I can fully process that I hear something completely amazing distracting me from anything else. A voice, that came out of nowhere sending little buzzing tingles through the insides of my ears....my heart skips a beat as if trying to realign itself with another. I follow the sound slowly moving forward out of the wooded line of trees into a gorgeous field of tall grass and yellow dasieys. Just amazing, between the smell and The Voice and the Beautiful field of wildflowers it's almost as if it could be heaven on Earth. Relishing in that moment is cut short when I see the smoke. I start moving deeper into the tall grass following the overhead line of grey smoke that leads me to a smaller clearing, bringing into veiw a beautiful cabin. In this moment I have so much warmth wrapped around me, more than I've ever felt. The warmth that comes from family and friends. The kind that wraps around you when your home.

I freeze when I hear the voice again, then it hits me all at once.....

The longing...

The hollowness..

The anxiety... it all just become too much all at once.

I start to feel my chest getting tight and my...my...I'm shaking... all over. Then came the black spots. Just like always I scream so loud, no, actually. That's not a scream but a deep howl.Then it's gone. All of it. )

Just like that it was nothing, I'm pulled from that place and eveything fades leaving me hollow again.

Just like every time before this, my tears threatened to fall. Blinking them back I take a look around, touching the ground first, "This is real." then touching my leg, "this is real." Bring my hand to my face and feeling the wettness of my tear, "This is real." to each I say outloud, closing my eyes, bringing myself back to reality, wishing for it to somehow calm me.

With a slight tremble, I bring myself to my feet. Straighten my coat and grab my pack from the cold ground. Feeliny angry, I'm determined to carry on. I will not let this continue to swallow me.

"This is taking too long!" I scold myself as I continue to make my way up. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought these little episodes were done, gone l. Shoved deep within. I thought I was stronger than this. I mean, I had to have thought it. I'm gullible like that. I've been told all my life by those around me how strong I am. "What a joke!" I say as a feel my anger start the seep out even more. "If Im so strong, then why do I always feel like everything is falling apart, that I'm always alone?!" I ask the empty woods as I walk faster. Taking a deep breath, "Damn it!" I scream as loud as I can! Holding my arms beside me and my hands tightly in fists. I'm trying to let go of some of the emotions that cling to me. "Shake it off. It doesn't matter." I try to convince myself. I push harder. " Almost there..

I'm so ready, ready to just let go of all this s**t that's been weighing me down!

I can see it now. The ledge, can almost reach it even. "Come on, Jamie! Move your ass girl!" I stop instantly, a sharp shock moved straight through me. Glancing around I hear it again. " Girl, you're shamefully outta shape! When did this even happen, I feel like I closed my eyes and then s**t! Here we are, carrying a thrid ass cheek?!!" The arrogant voice that takes up too much space in my mind criticizes, I swear there was a chuckle too. Gritting my teeth, I shake my head. " No! NOT hapoeneing RIGHT NOW!" Comes out of me sounding somewhat like a growl..

These random thoughts have a way of pissing me off. They just pop in and spout off! Sometimes, well, most of the time, it's just plain provoking. No joke, it gets to the point that I'd love to slap myself! And I would, if it would make it stop. Never the less, when it comes, it always manages to startle me no matter how much it upsets me at the same time, "Ugh!" I let out in a frustrated breath. I must be going crazy, if I'm not already f*****g crazy. What the hell is wrong with me?! Sometimes, it's like my mind isn't my own anymore.. hasn't been for a long time.

I close my eyes, counting back from 10. Opening them with even more determination pulling with my hands and pushing with my feet I whisper "f**k you."

before I notice my mistakr I starts to slip, with a quick glance down to see a slimy green rock.. and oh s**t! I feel myself start to fall and before I could blink, or even have a thought I'm holding onto a larger rock to my right.. "What the..." comes out of me to no one in particular.

I've never noticed this rock before. Weird, it's freaking huge! To think of it, I've never moved that fast before, am I still dreaming? This is giving off feels of the Twilight Zone.

" Weird.." I say under my breath as I take a moment to look back down.. wtf? "Where did u come from?" I reach down to run my fingers across it. So many times in the last 2 months, I've been here.. I've never slipped. I must just be out of my ever loving mind today.

Pulling myself up to complete the last step. I mentally make a note not to place my foot on that rock again letting out a little chuckle as I think this. Before I realized it, my eyes were alining with what always causes my breath to hitch in my throat..

There it is..Up top the scariest peak this side of Rothsdale.

My Ledge..

My Heaven on Earth..

This view, in my opinion, is greater than any other sight left behind for mankind.

This place has become my space of sanctuary. "Thank you.." I breathe out before my heart and mind have the chance to absorb all the glory in what I'm seeing. It's a new habit of mine, thanking my angels every time I'm here for somehow guiding me to this place that day.

Thinking back, my heart tightened.

I came to rest at this place early one morning.. I had been tossing and turning all that night. Without a reason my mind racing, heart pounding. Just like many times before. Only that night, it felt different. I had this horrible urge I still can't explain. It was as if something or someone was calling to me. It still hurts to feel all the grief and sadness I felt that night, but most of all, there had been this longing. I didn't understand what was going on with me. My heart felt like it was being torn in two. There was this feeling in me begging me to, I still don't know. I guess, go. For me to just run. Begging me to feel..

I try to shake those thoughts away.. to calm my mind and remember clearly. I hate when my mind takes me back to this cavity I created deep within my mind to shove these feelings into. sometimes when I start to feel something similar or allow myself to remember I can feel it sort of grip back onto me and I can feel my cheat start to restrict me making it feel so hard to breathe. Theres always a fear I might get stuck all over again..

Swallowing back a slight cry that wants to escape I stare up at the sky taking in a fresh breath of ocean air..allowing myself to remember.

The sleep that came that night was very little when I was able to. I just keep feeling a clawing coming from inside of me. I remember being a sleep and then waking to a horrible pain. Other times I would wake to hearing a soft voice telling me "it's time, you must go." But when I was awake listened closer I would hear nothing. However the feelings they would linger. I felt like everything was smothering me that night. Even the air in my room seemed too stail to breath in. I just couldn't shut my emotions off. It got to the point that I had jumped out of bed, opened my front door, and without shoes, coat or even shuting the door behind me, I ran. I ran as fast as I could with no direction in mind, no pain and no sadness. To be completely honest with myself, I'm not even sure how I managed to reach the top of this peak, but once I did, I knew.. this view alone was enough to stop me from making a mistake. Everything heavy I carried in my mind, cleared. I felt the emptiness inside of me start to fill with warmth, the warmth I had as a child. The warmth I felt when my best friend smiled at me and would wrap me up in one of her amazing bear hugs. That was just it.. it felt as if here, she was hugging me.

Like they were all here, together. Dad, Justin and Ronnie, here at the top of this very peak. Somehow, I could just feel their love and energy. Like it was created for me.

As I take my last few steps closer to the edge, I can see everything even more clearly.

From the large jagged stones below to the large waves impailing the cliffs side. My view stretching all the way across the blue-green ocean waters meeting the mornings horizon. This was it. I was where my heart belonged, and somehow, I just knew it.

There was something connecting me here, something that had called me here. And now it was my place to heal.