Honest Rambles

Ya know I dont think I've ever actually loved someone. Like I say I love you to my closest friends and my family but I dont think I've ever meant it. Like you know when your in like 5th grade and you get to first partner and you say I love you to them because it's what all couples do or because they say it first and it's the only way you know how to respond. Like I think there are two people I truly love and that's because I wouldn't be here without them and they make me happy but when I tell my parents that I love them I dont think I mean it because I dont believe that they have earned to be loved be me. I know how dumb that sounds like I know they love me and they raised me but when I think about them I feel anxiety not love I've never felt love when thinking about someone. When people text me I'm usually annoyed but sometimes the people I actually love text when I really need them too and that's when I love them the most because they tell me how much they love me and they are so grateful for me and I respond with the same thing because it is true but with everyone else I just say I love you to convince myself and them that it's true but I dont think it is.