Magic Shop

TWO: STRUGGLES

It’s 4 am in the morning and the sound of the wall clock ticking echoed the whole room. A normal person should be probably sleep by now or probably watching some netflix if they’re not sleep. But for Dawn everything was different. Starting from his room. The white walls that doesn’t have any decorations nor aesthetic vibes. The smell of chlorine and medicines dominates the place as Dawn breathe every second the the one thing he can’t stand the most was his roommate.

A mental ill person who claims to have some trauma and can’t go outside the world for it will kill him. He felt pity about his roommate but he also felt pity and disgust about himself. Self hate is the only thing that’s living in his heart right now.

And, Yes, Dawn is in a mental hospital as he sleeps or trying to sleep. If he’s going to think if the situation he’s in right now is better than him in jail before coming here, he guess nothing would be perfect. But aside the fact that he’s going out on this mental institution tomorrow made him realized that even tho he hates the world, it’s much better than being here.

Thousands of thoughts flood in his mind as the clock ticks every seconds. He’s really not mentally ill. He had to pretend to be mentally ill to get out of the jail. His step-mother accused him with r**e. His father whom he honestly thought that would defend him call the police and sent him in jail. He did not do it he can’t even touch someone or anyone anymore in his life.

Through out the years of him living in his dad’s house, he struggled so much about him sexually being abused by his step mother and him keeping quiet made the situation much worse. He thought that if he would remain quiet everything would stop but as years went by, nothing stop but it made everything worst.

 His life has been a whole mess even his family. Nothing is going to change his mind. He stayed in jail for a year. No one to call nor no one to ask for help for he knew in this life he’s alone. But Last week, he met his mom. He’s really not sure of that. His father never told him about his mom or anything. Nor he doesn’t have anything that connects her with him. All he knew that when he was little, his mom left him for another man. 

A typical yet cliche story.

It’s always been like this, he thought. Since he knew that his mom and dad is not that in love to each other. When he saw the woman last week, and as he look into her eyes he realized one thing. They have the same pair of eyes.

The woman--Dawn’s mother looked young that you would guess her age is in her mid 20’s but she’s in her 40’s already. Dawn kept his straight face for nothing would make his heart sway nor anything that can make his heart beat. He is empty. He’s always been empty.

He doesn’t feel anything except for frustrations, anger, and self pity. The woman, his mother, cried so much that all her make-up was wiped away because of tears. Only then, Dawn realized that his so called mother is getting old. When the make up was wipe away on her face, everything was visible. Her wrinkles, her flaws. Her dull eyes and her skin. Everything.

That moment, he felt his heart beat an unfamiliar beat but before he realized it, it vanished. His mother told her that he will get him out and take custody of him. But Dawn knew that he only need to get out of the mental facility and start a new life because even though he was accused of r**e and was put on the mental hospital, he honestly want to start a life of his own. He’s twenty-one years old.

And right now, at this very moment, he knew it will happen. He will get out of this mental facility. He was sick of the medicines he pretends to take and he’s sick of the white walls and everything in this place. But then, as the ticking of the clock becomes louder and louder, another thought crossed his mind.

He will never be normal.

He sighed and turned to the left side of his bed as he remembers those faint smiles he still see now. Regrets.

It’s killing him everyday.

Maybe he’s really mentally-ill for he keeps on remisnising the past and regrets every second that he’s living. Everyday he’s thinking of what kind of death he should plan that could lower the regret his feeling and maybe the heavens will accept him.

 Yet everyday, every moment his eyes open he keeps on questioning himself and making false hope that maybe, he’ll find another reason to live again.

Dawn smirked as that thought crossed his mind. He close his eyes while he mumbles. “Such bullshit!”

Will to live? He said once again. I lost it a long time ago.

--

The D-day has arrived. Dawn look at his mother talking with the head doctor of the mental facility. They’re talking about the medicines and prescriptions the doctor is telling to his mother and the signs that her mother should keep in check.

I’m not mentally ill. He said again in his head. Trying to convince his mom even though he knew she can’t hear them. As they finished talking, his mother turned to walk towards him with a smile and he just nod. He doesn’t feel anything but he is not heartless.

He feels thankful that even though he only met his mother once and in this type of situation he knew he should be grateful.

They pass the hallways and the nurses and doctors who were there are congratulating him for being discharge. He just nod and pretend to smile. Just like what he said, he’s not heartless.

As soon as they reached his mother’s car, his mother said, “Would you ride in front? Beside me?” She cheerfully said. He nod again. And opened the door of the car.

The engine starts and they drive to whatever his mother would take him. As the ride goes, an awkward atmosphere fills the place because Dawn knew that his mother is trying to keep a conversation by asking questions but he think his mother is really not that good when it comes to converstaiton because before she can finsih her sentence, she would shut her mouth.

Dawn felt uneasy but decided to open his mouth. “Do you have any questions about me? Mom?” He asked.

Her mother seemed to be surprised for she almost crash next to the car in front of them. His eyes move to look at his mom whose face right now is bright red. He smiled. For a long time, he smiled.

“I heard the story from your father, is it true?” but as soon as that, his smile vanished. He look outside the window and let the wind calm his veins because the would father irritates him the most. He trusted him with all. Begging for him to believe his own son but he just punch and turned over him to the police as the b***h his called step mother smirks at him.

“Do you believe in him?” he asked.

“Still contemplating.” He looked at her mother. He was shoked because it wasn’t the usual responed you’d get. His mother seems to realized that he’s shoked because she said, “I need the side of your story for me to decide what to believe. I learned on my life not to judge someone base on the rumors and everthyhing that I’m hearing without any proof.”

Something brushed his heart as he felt and heart his heart beat again after how many years. His heart starts to softens and he gulped while looking outside the car’s window again.

“I did not do it.” He said as he remember what really happened. “She was sexually abusing me since I turned highschool. I decided to just brush her off and keep quiet about it but everyday her moves is getting bolder. That night.” He sighs as he try to draw his strength. “she called me in the bathroom because she shouted that she forgot her towel. She dragged me and seduced me inside the bathroom while she’s naked and I wanted to run away that second but she freaking screamed that was the time dad saw me and believe everything the lie that b***h told.”

After he finished talking he look at her mother and saw that her grip harden at the stirring wheel. “That f*****g b***h” she said.

“I had to pretend that I have a mental illness for me to get out of that place because if I did not maybe I’m not alive by now.”

“WHat do you mean?”

“Prison? Jail? It’s much worse that what I think it is. I tried living there for a year trying to keep myself together and living with a low profile but some of the inmmates bullies me and even physically abused me to the extent of me almost being half beaten to death.” He shruggeds as the car suddenly stops for her mother suddenly hits the break. “If the guard wasn’t there maybe, I’m 6ft on the ground now.”

His mother look at her with a sad expression before crying her eyes out. “Are you okay? My son?”

“I’m not okay mom,” Dan decided to be honest. He was never okay. Even before everything of those happened. “I think I will never be okay. I don’t even have any dreams right now. It’s hard to keep on living.”

He honestly said. He knew that his mother was crying but he did not anticipate that his mother would suddenly go out of the car to go in his side and hug him. Cress his haid and said, “I’m proud of you.” Was the word he heard.

He did not cry or anything, but something on her words makes feel like, someone finally understands him.

--

After an hour of drive, Dawn woke up with his mother waking him up. He opened his eyes and travel from his mom to his surroundings. He saw the garden first filled with different flowers and the pathway in the middle that was made of bricks. At the end of the path way as a two story house painted with white.  

“Do you live alone?” He suddenly asked. His mom stop getting the things behind the car and look at him. Dawn was looking at his mother intently waiting for answers. The thought that what her answer will be will dictate how he will live his life with his mother.

His mother warmly smile at him and said, “I’m living alone. I didn’t remarry anyone after your father.”

“Why?” His mother paused for a bit to think.

“I was afraid.” His mother said and closed the back seat of the car after she got all the groceries she bought while Dawn was sleeping half an hour ago. Dawn tilt his head and blink for a second. Trying to understand what his mother just said.

Afraid. The word rolled int his mind again. He wanted to ask why she’s afraid but he also knew in his mind that people don’t like talking about the things they are afraid of. Especially him.

He followed his mother inside the house and once again Dawn look at the interior of the house. It has the interior of white and black. The couches are black and the walls are white. In the middle was the TV and below the TV was a fire place.

His eyes scan the kitchen where his mother went. The kitchen counter was made with marbles and some of the plates and utensills are also in black and white. The curtains are white and everything are very much aesthetic. He look at his mother putting groceries and asked, “It’s not snowing here, so what’s with the fire place?”

He asked. His mother chhuckles and said. “I love the sound of rain and fire at the same time so whenever it’s raining, I sometimes lit the fire place. The sounds of both brings me peace.”

“What’s your work?”

“Well young man,” His mother said surprised by his questions and the fact that after all the visits of his mother to the hospital, this was the only time he ask and made a conversation with her. She feels so proud and happy at the same time.

“Why? Should I not ask that?” Dawn said thinking if ever he crossed the line and just asked the wrong question. His mother shook her head and warmly smile at him.

“I love that you’re asking questions, I remember when I was visiting you you never once looked at me in the eye nor ask me what’s my name nor who I am. But now, I feel like I’m getting close to you.”

Dawn gulped as his ears starts to turn red. He’s getting shy because he’s really not used to the compliment that his mother is giving him.

The last time he recieved a compliment was when he was with his friends and he thought he will never get one for they all are gone but now,

“I’m a lawyer at a simple firm in the city.” Her mother told her.

“Did you ever once, thought about me?” HIs question caught her off guard and she sincerly look at him in the eye.

“Would you believe me if I said that I remember you everyday but I was afraid of the things I cannot control. Of all the possiblities that might happend when I left you? Because honsestly it still haunts me down.”

“Haunts you?”

“Your face when I told you I’m going to leave you. You were young back then and you were crying so hard.”

“I focused myself with work and everything that I realized 20 years had passed and everyday I tried to muster my courage in facing you but I get so dishearted whenever I look at you.”

“Look at me?”

“I visit you in your school once in a while when I miss you.”

Dawn blink and look at the floor. His mother’s confession caugth him of guard that he doesn’t know what to say nor what to expect. Him dealing with emotions and people.

“Okay.” he said. HIs mother nod.  “Do you have any more questions?” she asked. He tightly smile. “None for now.” he said and excused himself to go to his room his mother pointed out a while ago.

--

It’s been a week since his discharge in the mental hospital and from time to time, His mother would ask him what does he want to do.

That was his questions since last week. It took him quite a while to finally realized that he’s already out of the mental hospital. Meaning there are no physical examinations. Questions that makes him sick and his roommate.

He’s back from being normal. He realized after two days. But seems like even starting his life with his mother felt so weird and not normal to him. He’s not complaining about it it’s just that, “It is so hard to think what you need or what you want in life  when you finally get used to be treated like a piece of s**t and trash all the time.”

He said to himself.

He heard the ticking of the clock. It’s making him more anxious. It’s been a week yet even tho he have his comfortable bed and a warm blanket beside him, his sleep was never peaceful that he would rather suffer not sleeping.

Getting sick of just laying down, he breathes and decided to get up head towards the veranda of his room. The moon looks beautiful tonight but it doesn’t make Dawn smile nor feel at awe.

Different questions and Different what if’s but at the same time he never has any answers for it. It feels like he’s been completely broken and nothing could ever fix him.

He was used to being one. He’s used to being broken yet why does he feels like he needs to change and do something. The feeling of pressure that the world feels like it’s expecting him to do something miraculously because it saved him from that damn s**t hole he’s been.

He doesn’t want to be save or anything. Because he knows that all the things he’s experiencing in his life was because of his own doing. Because of the consequences of what he did that night.

His brain suddenly goes for a trip down the memory lane and he can’t stop it. He knew he doesn’t have any feelings anymore but as soon as his brains walk down to the path he doesn’t want to remember , he trembles and starts to sweat.

He felt his knees shaking as his someone was pulling him down. The feeling of him not being in control of his surroundings and the different questions his brains throws at him. He starts to panic. His heart starts to beat faster as if he’s runing in a marathon.

He can’t control his body. He needs something. He needs something to calm him down. But nothing could calm him down. He starts to panic and starts hitting himself as if it would lessen all the things he’s experiencing but he also knew that nothing of this work.

And the final suggestion his brain arrived was, “I need to bleed.”

Without any hesitations he stands up and open his drawer to get the blade he saw last time and carefully slit his wrist for him not to hit any veins. As soon as he sees the blood coming, and the pain travel all over his body it felt like a drug has healed him. The feeling of satisfaction he felt after he wounded himself felt different to him.

His whole body decided to calm down and finally focus on the little things. He felt the wind blows making his hair dance with it. In the prison the prisoners always makes him bleed so he doesn’t need something like this but this time, he taught, he might need it often.

He knew to himself that it’s not right. And him majoring psychology makes it worst  because he knew all about this but he also knew that his four years of studying the profession won’t make him excepted from the fact of having a depression and suicidal thoughts.

His eyes travel from his bed to the veranda to the view outside, he slightly smile, like he’s mocking himself, “And you have the guts to tell yourself you’re not mentally ill?” He said.

He walk towards the chair that is sitting in his veranda and sit there. Slowly he closes his eyes. He remember the six faces, six smiles that used to be his hope and everything.

He’s such as mess he knew. But he also knew, he’s just suffering the consequences for what he did.

People always tell nothing is fair in this world but he slightly disagrees with that. The world is unfair to everyone and that makes everything fair.

--