Sinner or Saint

“If only this admission can be rescinded”, I recalled myself thinking as I sadly packed my things on that fateful Sunday morning, wistfully, I headed for chiboy’s motor park where I boarded a bus as I wait for a seat number. It took years of protests and subtle refusal of papa’s demand that I relocate to the eastern part of the country, for me to finally accept my fate. In the quest to convince me, papa's excuse was that; in his words ‘you have lost your sense of identity’ he had said. I try not to blame him given I couldn’t withstand being called an Nyamiri – a term loosely used to denote the Igbo folks particularly in North Nigeria where we based. Desperately wishing I wasn’t given admission to study in FUTO, I Waved goodbye to my friends from my secondary school, as they came to bid me farewell. We all had all applied to study at the Federal University of Jos, Plateau state. But my father, just like devils advocate wrecked my fragile heart! Ngozi, bimbo, rukayate and I had planned to live, learn, and laugh together. My tears fell freely down my cheeks as reality hit me hard, never have I felt so unloved and the fact that Papa brazenly refused to look at me even for a slight moment, maybe if he did I would charmingly convince him otherwise, made me realize that with Papa nothing was certain and this truth only intensified my tears. I have always fancied myself a north girl until I found myself in the East. The idea of being an Igbo girl was at that period overwhelming as it often made me feel like I had betrayed the womb which bore me. Nevertheless, mama had kicked against me moving but that didn’t change anything considering papa is the head of the family. I sat on the fourth seat given to me by Chijioke, the conductor. How ironic I thought, as I mentally decipher the meaning of the lad’s name ‘God owns life’. True to that he was fearlessly running around moving vehicles, shouting and convincing supposed passengers to board the bus with the promise that the bus leaves immediately. lies! Considering that I have been seated for half an hour already. As it is customary to his ways papa got tired of waiting “my leg hurt, so I’ll go ahead” he had said, redirecting my gaze to his feeble, stiff wooden flesh. Mama did stay back though obviously to console me in the best way she could: feeding me with promises of doing something to the rift between papa and I. But of course, I knew it was all a lie, even if she try, her fear of Papa wouldn’t let her do otherwise. She obeys her husband as culture demands and by so doing could not confront him. On several occasions, mama had relegated her desires for his. Like when she wanted Mafeng, my younger brother to attend day school. Papa had objected insisting that it is either boarding or not. This according to him will teach Mafeng how to fend for himself. Of course, mama could do nothing about the situation, even when it was clear that Mafeng wanted to attend day school. Papa has always won in every argument and when I had objected for once, he tagged me a stubborn and rebellious child. Especially, owing to my refusal to continue with the diabolic ways of my father. “we have cultures that protect us, beliefs that you have decided to destroy with this your faith” he angrily said, storming out of the living room by so doing forgetting dinner. At nineteen I had blurted out to the entire household of my new found worship house after visiting a friends church the previous Sunday. “You dey lucky o” I heard Chijioke saying to the newest passenger to board the bus. “Na small thing we for don move” he continued while directing the passenger to the one empty seat that has kept us all waiting; the one next to mine. Waving goodbye to Mama I grumbled whilst making room for my 'seatmate. Chijioke had jokingly said: “Aunty 'abeg' adjust for your seatmate" the remark made us laugh and for the newbie, that gave him the room to start a conversation. “hello, I am shola” extending his hand, he said. Shocked out of my thoughts, the thunder strike again, eager to remind me of the present, while forcing me out of my Memory Lane. I quickly reach for my car keys when this sudden darkness engulfed my being. The windows lost their clarity and for a moment I wasn’t able to see a thing. I kept hearing the rumbling of thunder outside. The banging sound on the corrugated roof gradually picking rhythm as it eased my mind, at that instance I knew what it was – I could see the droplets creasing off the window, dancing to their nothingness. I think of Segun and wonder if his school have closed for the day while trying to convince myself that the weather does not describe the way I felt. But no matter how hard I try, I just couldn't hide the fact that It does explain how I feel. The droplets on the window were like the tears from my eyes. The banging on the roof like the heavy beat of my heart. The darkness around me ceasing light reminded me of the darkness around my soul. I am losing my mind, I say to myself stealing a look of my reflection on the mirror next to my dresser. I couldnt hide the fact that these feelings of late are tearing me apart. Even the mirror could tell that I was no longer that carefree young lady who didn’t overthink things. Yet here I am, having blackouts over what shola did to me. With a shrug, I quickly wipe the tears off my eyes, reminding myself that I have a reason to live. I decided to wait in patience for the rain to stop so I can go pick Segun. Meeting shola was one of the exciting days of my life. I still recall how nice and sweet he was on the bus as we journeyed on that fateful day. "Hi, my name is Ada" I replied to him after he made his introduction, mentally wishing he wouldn’t go further. But then he just kept on talking. I really wasn’t interested in any conversation but didn’t want to be rude, so I indulged him. It took a while for me to adjust to the quiet snores of sleeping people, the intense gossip of friends in the bus and the constant attacks of hawkers marauding on us with their wares and goods whenever we made a stop; to top up fuel, at a go-slow or to ease ourselves. It is quite funny but sad how they often appeared suddenly as though they hide themselves waiting for a vehicle to pounce on, it gave me the chill seeing children risk their lives hawking as such. Shola talked about his family and school. I later found out he was attending the same institution as me. I felt happy for him until he asked why I wasn't talking about my family. "I don't know what to say, I enjoy hearing you talk about your family". He looked at me in disbelief, I looked away to avoid his gaze. We arrived in Awka in the evening. I kept groaning due to back pain and my legs felt heavy, “I hate travelling" I whispered. It was very dark outside and Shola was sleeping, I took the opportunity to notice his finely shaved beards and neat fingernails. His muscular arms and the way his chest moved in sync with his breathing. How can someone be so perfect, I pondered? We arrived at Onitsha in the morning. where I dropped and boarded a bus to Owerri. The bus to Owerri wasn't comfy at all. Squeezing myself in a tight corner I kept jumping when we meet bumps and the tight back seat didn't help at all. Shola and I separated at the bus park in Onitsha, he suggested I followed him to his uncle's house at Woliwo, so I can freshen up and continue my journey but I was taught not to be too comfortable with strangers. More so a guy. I insisted I was fine so we said our goodbyes. I kept wondering why he didn’t collect my number, even if I was using a Nokia touch phone, it was better than nothing. Lost in thoughts I recalled how mama had pleaded with Papa to give me a phone so she could communicate with me even after he said phones were distractions used to deceive youths. He later gave in, buying me a Nokia touch. I arrived at the gate which read ''Welcome to the Federal University of Technology Owerri". It dawned on me that my life had just begun. The sun shines so bright that I can swear it didn’t rain just a few minutes ago. My room is clearer now, I can feel the light relief inside of me and for a moment I felt a slight hope. Then my alarm rang - the cue to pick Segun from school. I always set an alarm to wake up every morning and to pick Segun from school. I realized I tend to forget all these either because I’m so tired from work or I sleep off. I quickly start the ignition and drive as fast as I can. Unfortunately, my car comes to a halt when I see the line ahead of me “this stupid go slow”. I try to see what the problem is, only to see a police officer arguing with a man in a jeep “OGA get down, no insult me o, na only you dey here?" he kept shouting. "this will take a while" I tell myself, deciding to seat in the car and wait since I can't make a U-turn right now. Seating on the driver’s seat reminded me of the first time Shola decided to let me drive his car. Though aware I was a learner. “babe you can do this; I trust you” shola had said. there I was sitting on the driver’s seat with shola next to me after promising myself I won’t see him again after I realized he could be toxic to me, but my heart wasn’t in support of that. My relationship with shola went on and on that no matter how much I told myself we were just friends, it didn’t just blend in. The loud horn behind me interrupted my thoughts. My watch 'read' 1:30 pm. Still grumbling, I waited as the police officer kept insisting that the driver should follow him to the station for better clarification. I can’t wait any longer, I am running late, I realized. The more I waited the more my mind drifts back to my school days with shola. I had just arrived from lectures one Tuesday noon, with my very good friend Gloria when I bumped into shola at my lodge gate. At first, I felt like I was dreaming but quickly remembered him telling me he schools here too. Gloria excused us, while I looked at shola trying to figure out what he was doing here. "Hi Ada, I didn't know you stay here," shola said looking amazed. I just smiled, "I stay here too, room 19" he added. I found it difficult to believe until I saw his roommate who I assumed stayed alone in room 19, he walked up to us and confirmed what shola had said. I nodded like someone being given orders and headed to my room. Monday mornings have always been my best day to go to school. Setting my books down for that day's lectures I heard a knock on my door. Not asking who it was I opened. At my doorstep stood shola on shorts, letting his melanin skin flow down. I couldn't help but take a good look at him from head to toe, taking all of him in. from his always perfect shaved beards to his firm chest laying right inside his 'LIFE NA JEJE' T-shirt. My gaze fell on his lips when I realized I shouldn't be gawking at him lustfully it’s a sin Ada I told myself but it was rather too late when he caught my gaze and spoke. "Ada I will like to know if we can go to school together?". I moved aside shamefully as I replied: "oh, of course, I'll just have my bath and then we can go". It will take me a few minutes to finish up so I invited him in. It took a while before I got comfortable with shola and when I did I wished I didn't. shola kept visiting at every little chance he got, making it difficult not to think of him. I tried as much as I could, not to get involved with him, lying to Gloria anytime she asked if I liked him, telling mama he was a church member whenever she calls and when papa had visited school all in the name of going to the village for burial. On seeing shola sitting on my bed, his countenance changed. I had to tell him he was doing his assignment in my room because I had a complete note, I can't forget the look he gave me. A look of disbelief, a look that said: "how can you lie to your father?” I felt ashamed of myself even without papa uttering a word. The weekend came so fast. Having me waking up so displeased, I had slept the day before with the decision of confronting shola. "I'll want to know what his intentions are," I told myself. I won't let him hold my hands in public while rubbing the hairs on my arm sending shivers down my spine. I need to know what his plans are I reassured myself. I stood up hazily staring at my reflection on my old mirror which aunty Nneka gave me when she found out I got admission into FUTO. she was so excited that she kept calling me until I got tired of taking her calls. With aunty Nneka, papa’s younger sister, staying in Obinze. I never had issues with foodstuffs because she always made available anything I needed whenever she visits. I looked at the old mirror and smiled at the memories it brought with it but that didn’t change the fact that I couldn’t recognize the person I saw “who are you?” I heard myself asking, you lie, you go to parties and now you can't even remember the last time you opened your bible. “have I backslide?” I tearfully asked, waiting for a reply I never got. Shola came back exactly after professor Okafor's lectures by o3pm. I knew he will be back by that time so I decided to finish everything that might make me be in a rush to end the conversation. With two slow steady knocks confirmed it was shola at the door, I opened and ushered him in. shola looked at me thoroughly, probably shocked I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and trousers in this hot weather but I wanted to avoid those shivers and any possible temptations as the bible call them. "how was your day?" I asked while giving him a seat. "Aren't you hot?" he asked in return ignoring my question. I just smiled and took a seat “that doesn’t answer my question” I replied. Shola looked at me with questioning eyes for few seconds, “my day was fine but hectic”. I sighed, satisfied I was making progress. “You know you should have rested before coming to see me”, I added. “I’m fine, besides I rested for a while” he insisted. Shola laid down on the bed making room for me to join him, I looked away ignoring the invitation. “shola what am I to you?”, I asked not sure I was expecting a reply. The shock on his face said it all, I somehow felt disappointed. Was I expecting more? I quickly blinked away the tears before shola will notice but he did because he stood up, holding my cheeks in his palm. With a smile on his face and a smirk, I barely noticed. He brought his lips closer to mine, resting it on mine before I could utter a word. The shock I felt didn’t let me comprehend what was happening but the softness of his lips and its gentle movement eased my tension. Slow and steady, my lips followed suit. Our lips moved in sync as we poured every bit of emotion, passion and hurt. Please stop!! I screamed like someone possessed, shocking us both. I jumped out of the bed, fast, quickly standing next to the door. “I think it’s time you leave” I manage to say in between breaths. Shola looked at me in disbelief but I didn’t care, right now I needed him to stay as far as possible. Standing my ground, I demanded he leaves. Pum Pum "madam move abi your car don spoil?" the agitated driver behind me kept saying cutting my thoughts. I apologize and made a sharp turn towards Zaramaganda Rayfield road Jos. I sigh out of relief when I see the free road ahead of me. Arriving Segun's school late wasn't part of my plan but my son was already upset when I got there. "baby I'm sorry I am late, it wasn't intentional", he looked at me as if I wasn’t making any sense. He is just two years old and must think you are crazy Ada, I thought. When I had Segun years ago, I had to make everyone promise not to mention his father to him. Especially for the fact that his father hurt me and didn’t know about him. The wound in my heart hasn't healed since that day and I will never forget the day all this befell me. I quickly called mother confirming if she was home and wouldn’t mind babysitting Segun so I can go back to the office. Working as a content writer for a National news media and sometimes Individual firms have assisted me in taking care of Segun and I. I got the job the same month I had Segun, using my certificate wasn't an option since I didn't get any, I had to pause my education when I was confirmed pregnant. Father had fainted and died of heart attack, the guilt I felt that day, stands till this day. It serves as a reminder of my foolishness and sometimes I wonder how God will forgive me for bringing so much disgrace to him and my family. But God did. I arrived mothers small flat in dadinkowa, woke Segun up by dragging him down the car from the back seat. He looked annoyed but that didn't bother me, he needed to eat and rest and I, on the other hand, have a meeting with a new client that needs an editor for his new book. My boss insisted I meet him immediately, to start work. My pleading for more time fell on deaf ears as he scheduled a dinner meeting for us today. “you must rest my dear, you have been overworking yourself” mama insisted with concern as I greeted her before going in. “I’ll be fine ma” my reply came faintly; I was indeed tired. Segun grumbled and walked in sleepily. I sit on a sofa next to me mentally applauding myself for how Segun turned out so far, despite his father's absence. I thank God for my son, my mother and my job, I love what I do and that gave me joy. It helps me forget my past as I constantly shove the memories away one by one praying to God to take them all away but they keep surfacing no matter how hard I try. Few weeks quickly past with shola and I growing closer day by day, me forgetting this was the same guy I walked out of my room when we first kissed. Gloria my friend and roommate kept saying “take it easy Ada, it’s too early” but I was already in love with him. With shola, I found myself doing things I won’t do on a normal and all I heard was “live life, it’s fun, you are too hard on yourself or you will be fine”. I noticed shola didn’t like going to church, he kept saying it makes me feel judged and I always felt bad for him even if it bothered me that my boyfriend doesn’t go to church, he goes to parties and even smokes. well, the important thing is I'm here for him and I'm certain the grace that met me is sufficient for him, those were the lies I told myself. It didn’t take a long time for me to get caught up in his lifestyle. I started partying, lessened my prayer life and even missed out on church services. Certainly, this whole relationship had me in its web. I was caught up in it. Even when Gloria made attempts to drag me to church, I would snap, insisting I was fine, unknown to me, I was dying slowly. Shola and I kissed a lot of times. even when I knew it was wrong and that my bible did preach against it. I liked the feeling, the chillness I experienced were all new but welcoming. whenever shola grabbed my breast, I would panic and he will always say “relax, I won’t hurt you” and whenever he grabs it hard I would scream and insist he stop. What hurt me was not the pain from the squeeze but the pain from the guilt I felt. My mind kept saying this is wrong and no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, it didn’t go away.