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K

I'm on my flight from. Edinburgh to Faro, my granny met me at the airport and she's coming with me for a few days. It was really nice to be part of De's world for the past 2 weeks but now I have to focus 'cause I ended up not studying as much as I was supposed so I have to catch up.

De staying back, we are not sure for how long, there's still some studio work, some video shots and lot's of stuff regarding the tour they are preparing already, to be done before he can leave. People thinking those guys have it easy have no idea, there were days they were in that studio from 9am to 10 or 11pm and Dinis told me that was even worse when I wasn't there.

15th April 2008

I know I promised to keep this journal going but I hadn't had the time for it, some how before I realized it I'm in a mess again K went back on the 28th of March I was supposed to follow her in the next week or so but here I'm still. I've be on Skype with her every day but I'm s*** I miss her smell, I miss her touch, and the feeling of safety she brings to me. I hope to have everything finished by the end of the week so I can be back around the 20th, hope we can have at least one full month of peace, even if I have to work with the band during that time at least I'll be back to my normal life.

My psycho therapist said, is this duality that will keep me in control, as long as I make sure I'll always keep myself connected to reality I'll be ok. For me K and the life I live there is the real world. That why I feel better when she's around she grounds me to earth.

Yesterday I almost f****d up... I went to a party after a TV show it was supposed to be one of those things were I just show up stay for 1 hour and leave, but there were lots of people from bands I know from the time with Silver Moon and one thing leads to another and before I knew I was totally f****d up, don't even know how it happened but some how Dinis found me just when I was preparing myself to have my first line in 7 months. On my defense I was totally drunk, and as soon as he spoke I think all the Glenfidich left my blood in a second. "Hi Danny, do you think we should film this incredible moment for K?? She'll love to know how well you're dealing with all of this!!" That just made me souber up, I stood up stumbled a bit but got my balance back and we left. When we arrived to the car Dinis keepef silent until we arrived, before we exit the car he told me. " Paulo is probably right you are going to f**k up that girl's life, but not if I can help it. I have been in your shoes I know the siren song that drugs are for an ex-addict. Get your s**t togheter!!" Didn't heard another word from him since yesterday and for what I can tell he hadn't told Paulo about it either.

The fact that I didn't stop myself and I just hadn't had done it because Dinis got me on time, scared the s**t out off me maybe I'm not as prepar to deal with this as I thought I would be...

Daniel out

16th April

We are just finishing the album Jezz is really good, the 2 singles we released are playing everywhere.

We are having good reviews in specialty magazines, there is a lot of expectation regarding the release of the album in May. That is another thing that I had not counted on but that I will not be able to avoid I will have to return with the boys on May 10th for the release of the album and we will have to stay at least 5 days.

K is out in some school trip for 2 days I'll not be able to speak with her on Skype. Has I couldn't sleep I called her I thought she was supposed to be already asleep, or at least at the hotel room as it was 23h00 in Portugal, 04h00 in NY, when she answered she phone there was loud music, she could hear me and she told me she was going to find a better place to find with talk with me, when we were speaking I could hear this boy calling her name " Come on K it's our turn we got this baby" - I hadn't the guts to ask who the f*** was the guy, she told me " I have to go De, speak with you tomorrow" - I still heard- " K, let's show those as*** what the fab 2 can do"!!

If I couldn't sleep before, forget about it now.

The truth is that I dont really know her colleagues from school only Silvia and Miguel.

What the hell was this?? She's in a school trip, why does it looks like she's in a party and she's paring up with some guy??

17th April

Couldn't sleep yesterday can't sleep today either, trying to call K, but the phone as been off all day. Today we have finished the last work we had to do in the album

we final decided the name Jezz came with " inside out" it's a pretty good name as this album brought my inside out to the world.

I'm out of here tomorrow at 7am with Paulo and Dinis we will go to Toronto and from there I'll use my Portuguese passport to go to Scotland and then Faro they will go from Toronto to Lisbon. The other guys will follow us in the next days using different routes.

Daniel out

18th

Spent the all day between airport and flight couldn't get K. I'm going crazy here, arrived Faro at 23h50, it's to late to call her but I know I'll have another sleeplessness night if I can't see or speak with her tonight so I just got this crazy idea maybe Meg is on the night shift and if she is, she I'll be out at 00h00 so I look for the hotel number and call to the reception while looking for a taxi. I got lucky she's leaving now. I tell her that I'm leaving the airport but K doesn't know I'm supposed to arrived only on the 20th can she help me surprise her? What I hear

then, it calms me down a bit.

"Thank god Daniel we couldn’t look at her anymore, she's driving everyone crazy . She had been walking around like s**t, and now that she hadn't even talk to you for 3 days was even worse, since she arrived from the school today she closed herself the room with everything closed. Came direct to our home, it may calm the beast" - So my girl missed me....

When I arrived Meg was waiting for me, she told me to leave the luggage in the living room and show me to K's room open the door and whispered" I'm not expecting you to leave" give me a smirk and left, really??

I entered and closed the door waiting a while to get used to the darkness, I can she her on the bed she's asleep, I go near her and decided not to wake her up, I took my shoes out my trousers and get in bed next to her pulling her in to my arms, I smile when I notice she's wearing one of my shirts, when she feels my body close to her, she snuggles up to me and looks for my arm to put it over her waist.

" De if I'm dreaming can you please not wake me up I really need to feel you hear with me even if is just for a little bit"- she whisperes

"I'm here baby, you can sleep now I'll be here tomorrow when you wake up"

"De??"

"Ye babe?"

"I may love you know " she whispered

God what she just said??

"You may babe? I do love you!" - I kissed her head.

Finally in 3 nights I had my first good night of sleep.

Daniel out

K

Daniel is back, last night I thought I was asleep when I felt first his smell in my room then his warm body next to mine I kept my eyes closed just in case I was dreaming, I don't think I even knew how much I missed him, when I felt him next to me was like when you are cold and then you put something warm over your body and you fell all you body relaxing.

I woke up at 7h30 de is still asleep and I decided to let him sleep, I'll skip school today, so I send sms to Silvia letting her know.

I snuggle back against his back and get back to sleep, I wake up again at 9h this time De is awake propped up on his elbow and looking at me.

"Good morning, princess! I missed you so much!"

"Hi, missed you too"- I answered snuggling back on his chest.

" You're late for school, babe, you missed already at leat 2 classes"

" I'm skipping school today, believe me I need you more then I need school at least today"- I said while running for the bathroom "Sorry I haven't ask you do you have plans for today?"- I asked from the bathroom

"Yes had! Waiting for you to finish school!" - he answered.

I step out if the bathroom went to him kissed him and opened my bedroom window, it's a great Spring day

" Lets get some swim wear and go to Pego do Inferno, I need you to myself if we stay around we will find all the guys." - I tell him

"Like the way you think"- he tells me smiling

I go to the kitchen to get us breakfast thinking mum will be there but only find a note on the fridge saying" Don't do nothing I wouldn't"- really mum??? I laugh and take the note from the fridge leaving it on the counter.

Make some fresh coffee, there's some fresh bread, butter, ham, and cheese, nice this will do. De come in the kitchen looks on the note counter and starts to laught "Do you know what she told me yesterday? 'I'm not waiting for you to go home today!' She's really something "

"Yes she is, but do you wanna know something really funny?"

" Go ahead, surprise me"- he laughed

"Since I remember I always heard her tell me these stories that make me believe that being with someone was something very especial, that my body was my on and should be respected and not something to be passed around. So Meg isn't as liberal as you may think she is, she doesn't want her daughter to marry virgin but she always made me believe that there was the right guy and the right time."- I smiled at him, I notice he was thinking about it.

"I would never guess that one"- he said

" When you think you know someone...."

We finish our breakfast went to De's to leave is luggage he got changed and pick is car and ahead to Pego do inferno.

As I thought we were the only ones there, this place is amazing in a small river nature all around and the a water fall with a natural blue pool he spent all the morning in there by ourselves then around 1:30pm we went to Tavira to have lunch in one of the restaurants near the river and afterwards we went for a tour on a boat on Ria Formosa, and it was really beautiful it's spring and there's lots of different birds on this time of the year in the Ria, If I knew skipping school could be so fun I would had done this before. On our way back I called mum to tell her I hadn't gone to school, was with De and would stay with him.

When got home we had shower and went to meet Paulo and Dinis on a Pizza place, Dinis knows someone that can arrange a house for the guys who will arrive in 4 days, they could stay with De but he said that then we wouldn't have privacy so it's better to find them a place, after having dinner we all go to a Irish bar were a friend of ours is playing tonight we stay until 11pm and we head home.

I haven't heard the all album as it was not finished when come back so when we get home I asked De and he granted my wish on full HD.

I love it all the videos, the melody the lyrics, and there's also some stuff I hadn't heard before.

" There's at leat 2 songs I didn't recognize in here!" I said

" And what you think!" he is anxious.

" De, you know I don't get s**** of music, I just know what I like and what I don't!"

" And?"

" I love it!" I said

"The 2 new song are from the 4 of us it turns out we are pretty good composing togheter."De, tells me looking like kid with a new toy.

"I think this is a very good album it has something for everyone, not beeing an expert on music I would recognize here the Nirvana's grunge, Hendrix's guitar a smell of Ramone and Neil Young Punk maybe, and there is a lot of garage rock but the ballads it's all you and only you." I said starting it from the begging- and thinking what a pity this is not going to play in bars and discos in Europe.

"What are you thinking?" You looked far? he asked me

" I was thinking what a pity that this doesn't get to be played in Europe" I asked looking at the video on the TV

"No pity at all, if Silver Moon had got to Europe full force before I left I probably would be dead in a couple of years. You know I still do therapy right?" he looks straight him my eyes

"Yes!"

"I had realised a lot about myself, I always wanted to do music and be good at it, but if I look back I never really thought about the consequences of being successful as a musician, like all the kids I saw the girls, the spark, the money and I though the money will buy me freedom, that is the first thing that is taken away from you when you get your first million on the music industry."- He was speaking like reliving some memories

"Still remember the first time I step out of a hotel 'cause I want to go for a walk and I ended up hiding from some kids inside a shop and this old lady had to call the cups to get me out of there in one piece. You saw how it was there I couldn't take you no were public.

For God sake, I had to ask Matthew to show all the place I would love to take you to. So yes? I love to do music I want to be good doing it, but I can't live with that part of it all the time I can only take it in small doses, like a poison. If I get to have you around is much easier for me, because you remember me of my other live were I get to be just Daniel you boyfriend that can go to the beach and play some ball and drink some beers with the guys without some f*** camera on my face. Then there's other think I don't really like most of the people I had around me the last 7 years, to be honest they disgust me everyone is trying to take advantage of everyone else from the team that I ones worked I only kept Will!"

"Why Will?"

"Because Will was the first guy they got the band as our agent but then they get him fired, we always kept in contact and 2 years ago he was working with this band that was opening the shows for us and one night after the show I was all f**** with some cocktails of pills and alcohol and he toke me to the hospital and during the rest of that tour he tried his best to help, of course back then I told him to f***of".

"Then there Jezz, I didn't really know him he and Will go way back, he came from nothing and he pull himself up to here he is today, all that without s*** on nobody just using is talent and hard work, the man is a beast".

" All the other are people Will or Jezz Know, in 7 years I meet one person I could trust. I'm not telling that all the industry is like this I'm just saying I was on the wrong side of it".

"How did you feel when you were back in there? Did you feel the call?" - I wanted to ask this for sometime but I was too afraid of the answered.

De looked at me I look deep in his eyes and just by that look I knew the answer and I hated it.

"Sorry babe"- his eyes filled with tears

"Did you..."- I couldn't even say it if he had betrayed me I couldn't handle it.

"No, K, I would never!" - he said as he realised what I meant.

I come closer put my arms around his neck and gave him a small kiss and said:

"Elaborate, I need to know other wise I'll be thinking about it and believe me my imagination is way worse then anything you may have done!"- I said getting comfortable on the couch using is chest to suport my back.

"Remember the party on the 15th? There was lot's of people there I use to hang out with, I was supposed to stay for 1h but I was having a bit of fun and I was in a mess for the past weeks so it fell really good, I had a few to many Scottish and thanks God Dinis went for me and found me before I use coke." I could feel the shame on his voice.

" But you didn't"

"But I would had done it if Dinis hadn't shown when he did, I though this would be easier. If you look at it, this was really the first time I was left on my on and I f**** up straight away."- He said holding to me.

"Dinis is the righ person to help you with that, you know?" I asked

"I didn't, but he said something that night that made me think he may know a few thinks about it!"