The Heart Of Everything

9. Maybe I just wanted to feel something

It was heaven to drive the bike to school today, so easy and the rush of the speed was an amazing feeling. I needed to feel something else, then hallow and the adrenaline was good. The smile on my face hasn't left, even now that I am standing next to the grumpy red-haired. She is probably still angry with me after the incident.

"Hi, princess." I say after a few seconds of silence.

"f**k you." She tells me with gritted teeth and I grin as I met her eyes.

"You know where I live." I say and wink. Before I know it, she hits me in the face with her book, the edge of it scratch my cheek, making me wince. I run my thumb along the cut on my face only to feel it bleeding. She has her hand over her mouth of shock of what she just did. I sigh and grin fake to her.

"Thank you." I tell her sarcastic and move my fingers over the scratch again.

"You really like to hurt me don't you?" I ask her with a smile and see all of the times she has hit and kicked me. Then when we ended up in the bed, twice, she ruined my back. After that, she tells me we have to stop and it broke my tiny little heart because stupid enough I want her. Right now, she hit me in the face with a sharp book. What in the name of god have I fallen for?

"It is not my fault that you are an asshole." She says with fury in her eyes now. I clench my teeth and fists.

"I might be an asshole, but I have never, ever hurt you!" I yell, making my point. No matter how many times she has hit and kicked me, I have never done it to her and I never will. Kimmie looks down at the floor thoughtfully. Her eyes turn soft as she watches me again. The bell rings and I look around at the students hurrying up to get to their classes.

"Maybe it is time for you to see that." I tell her lightly and start walking to Miss Hale's class. I might deal with physical pain, but I can't handle the way I feel for her. It hurts more than any punch I have ever gotten.

I step into Miss Hale class, and she shakes her head of me as always. I roll my eyes.

"Who was it this time?" She asks amused as I stand next to her desk. I take a deep breath.

"It's just a simple cut." I tell shrugging. She looks impatient.

"How does the other one look?" Miss Hale asks with a raised eyebrow. I roll my eyes with a sigh. Then I see the red-haired smile in my mind's eye. Her tiny, stunning body, her soft voice, and those mesmerizing green eyes.

"She looks as beautiful as she always has." I tell her, honest. Not even a sign of sarcasm. The amused smile on her face fades slowly and she looks at me stunned. After a while, she shakes her head and comes back to reality.

"Sam, no matter where you are, you find trouble." I snort amused by her because she is right. Everywhere I go, I get a blood on my face or a bad bruise. Most of all I have feelings for the girl who hit me the most, but I don't care. She can hurt me as much as she wants.

"Yeah, I know."

I park the bike in the parking lot at school only to see Kimmie and Aaron talking in front of a car some few meters away. The sun is shining brightly on its blue sky, and my leather jacket is so warm. I place the helmet in front of me on the bike and lean on it with my arms as I watch the green-eyed.

A blond haired girl walks past me, biting her lower lip. I roll my eyes, grinning and she smiles at me as she keeps on walking. Only need a bike to make people watch me like that. I look back at the red hair and we lock eyes. There is no smile on her face, just flat, nothing. Then she starts to walk with Aaron to the building. I sigh and hit my head down on the helmet.

"You f*****g idiot." I mumble to myself.

"Why in the name of god, would she ever like you, you stupid fuck." I mutter.

"Wow, easy Sam." I hear Miss Hale and I see her in my peripheral vision. I don't even care to look up at her.

"Good day, Anna." I tell her annoyed and she sighs.

"You have a bad day Sam?" She asks a little unsure.

"Every day is a bad day." I tell her and lean up to look at the blonde.

"You want to talk about it?" She looks at me worried, and I shake my head unsure. I kind of want to, but not right now.

"Another time." I tell her making sure she knows that I consider it. She smiles and nods.

"That's good, I think you need it." She says and starts walking to the school building.

I was so tired in the first hour that I fell asleep in class. Miss Hale woke me up with smashing a book down on my desk. Everyone laughed, and I just grinned to Miss Hale. I swear I saw a little smile on her face as she shook her head. Now I am just waiting for Kimmie and Aaron to leave the lockers, but it seems like they are not going to leave before the bell rings. I clench my teeth as I start walking towards them.

"I hate my life." I mumble to myself. Then a few steps later, I open my locker, avoiding Kimmie and Aaron. They are talking something about school, and I don't care what I just want to go as fast I find my damn book.

"Hi, Sam." Kimmie says gladly. Dammit.

"Hi." I say flat, still concentrating on finding that book.

"Hi, Sam." I stop looking as I hear another light voice. I narrow my eyes in confusion. No one talks to me. Expect, Lizzy, Miss Hale, and Kimmie. I turn around to find the blonde who looked at me earlier.

"Um, hi." I say, trying to place her somewhere since she knows my name. She looks me up and down. No, no, no and damn no!. She is pretty, but no Kimmie. I shake my own head. Kimmie is never going to like you, you asshole.

"Do I know you?" I ask, still confused.

"I'm Lena. I am in some of your classes. You are the one always messing around with Miss Hale." She tells me with a smile and I snort. Lean is taller than Kimmie, and she has hazel eyes. Brown in the middle and blue around. Her prettiness makes me grin.

"Yes, Miss Hale really loves me." I say sarcastic and Lean chuckles.

"She must be the only one then." I hear Kimmie say and I turn to look at her, Aaron tries to hide his laugh. Those words actually hurt. I swallow hard and then move around to close my locker. Then I turn back to Kimmie, Aaron, and Lena.

"I am just gonna going." Lean says stepping away.

"You never really cared did you?" I ask Kimmie hurt, trying to hide the fact that I am, but when the person you like the most crush you like that you can't make that look on your face go away. Kimmie's eyes softened.

"I-I..." Kimmie trails off.

"I cared!" I shout angrily, clenching my teeth.

"I always cared!" I yell as I point at my own collarbone. Kimmie shrinks and looks down at the ground. While Aaron comes right in front of me.

"Calm down." He says making me angrier and I push him in the shoulders and he stumbles backward.

"You fucking... I have had enough of you!" He says as he headed towards me pushing me harder than I did. I fall down on the floor, but stumble up fast again. The fury in my body makes me shake, and damn I hate when I am angry. I smile at him.

"Was that all?" I ask laughing. He clenches his fists.

"Sam, stop!" Kimmie says begging, but I don't care.

"You can do better than that." I tease him, grinning. His eyes darkened and the next thing I know is a punch in my jaw. It hurt, but I am still smiling as I stand up straight again. I suck on my lower lip and taste some blood. Kimmie looks at me with her hands over her mouth.

"Even Lizzy hits harder than you." I mock Aaron.

"Sam, it is enough!" Kimmie screams, I look at her and it makes me lose my concentration as he hits me in the temple, making me fall down on the floor. My headaches and my vision is blurry as I try to stand up.

"Aaron, you need to stop!" I hear Kimmie shouting while sobbing as I feel a hard kick in my leg. I blink my eyes repeatedly, trying to see clearly again. That punch really got to me. I move up to a sitting position, moving my hand lightly where he hit me with his fist, and I wince of my own touch. Once again, I have to go Sharon, poor nurse. I think we are on the way to become best friends.

"Sam, you okay?" I hear Kimmie ask as I feel her hand on my shoulder.

"I am fine." I tell her irritated and move so her hand fall of me. I rub my eyes and try to stand up, but stumble.

"Sam!" Kimmie says and grabs me under my arm. When I finally stand my ground, I jerk my arm from her.

"You need help." She says calmly.

"I don't want your help!" I yell at her and my eyes lands on hers. I made her cry. The look in her green eyes makes me take a step back from her.

"Why are you crying? It's not like you got a couple of hits in your face." I say and snort as I lick my lower lip, looking away from her.

"You had them coming!" She says irritated.

"I know!" I yell as I look at her again.

"Why did you provoke him?" She asks confused.

"Maybe I just wanted to feel something." I haven't felt anything lately, expect the disappointment that I have fallen for her. There is just an emptiness inside of me now, and I hate it. I wanted to feel something, anything that could make me feel alive. Kimmie looks at me sadly and confused.

"You needed a punch to feel?" She asks amazed.

"I would rather get hit in the face every day, then to feel what I do for you." I tell aching and take a deep breath. Kimmie's mouth opens slightly and her eyes moving around, not sure how to respond to that.

"I need to go." I say and start moving my way down the hallway to my best friend, the nurse.

"Oh my god!" Miss Hale put her hand over her mouth after what she just said. I roll my eyes and sit down in the chair next to her desk. The class is over and I came too late. My lip is cracked and half my face is blue and red.

"How does she look?" She asks with widening shocked eyes.

"Still beautiful." I answer with a smile.

"She didn't hit me, a guy did. It was my fault." I tell shrugging and look at my hand that rests on her table.

"You came here to talk, didn't you?" She asks calmer now. I nod.

"Yes." I answer short. I am not sure what to tell her. That I am in love with someone that hates me more than anything, and that it makes me worse in every single way. I fight more. Well, I am the one getting hurt.

"Where do you want to start?" She asks. I take a big breath, trying to figure out what to say.

"I-I don't know." I say as I rub my neck, uncomfortable with this whole thing. I don't talk about what I feel not even with dad.

"Can you tell me what is bothering you?" She asks, trying to help me to start with something.

"Well..." I start to tell her about Kimmie, who she is to me and how long we have known each other. Then I talk about what happened recently that I kissed her and that we slept with each other. The way I felt after about her and the way, I felt when she ended it.

"So you have fallen in love with the girl you have known for fifteen years? That is kind of cute." She tells me with a warm smile, I look down at my hand avoiding her, feeling my cheeks warming up.

"Sorry," She says and I look at her again.

"Did you really mean that you would rather get punched in the face every day than to feel what you do for her?" She asks, wondering and I put my hand over my face as I feel a lump in my throat.

"Y-yes, I would, because... it hurt so goddamn much." I tell and feel the tears fall down my cheeks.

"The worst part is that I can't feel anything, not anything good at least."

"Do you feel guilty?" She asks and I look at her surprised and confused, I have never ever considered that. Maybe I am guilty because I fell in love with her. The girl I knew the longest and the girl that I have teased almost every day.

"What exactly do you mean?" I ask wondering.

"Well, you said that you have mocked her for years and that you two have treated each other badly, maybe you feel guilty because of that? Now that you have fallen for her." She says and I look at the floor thoughtfully. Is that why the way I feel for her is so awful? But, also because I want something I can't have.

"You think I should treat her better, just to make myself feel better?" I ask skeptical, I am not sure if I can do it. Teasing and being an asshole is something I am.

"I don't think that would make anything better, Miss Hale. It's Kimmie, she has a high temper and she knows me more than anyone else."

"I am not telling you to change, because you are a funny girl and I know when you burn for something you want it. You want this girl more than anything, because of the way you have acted recently is not the regular Sam." She tells me and I swallow hard.

"But maybe, it is time to slow down on your toughness. I know you don't like so show any sign of weakness, you use your mouth to get out of it. Show Kim something else from you." I bite my inner cheeks of her words. Maybe she is right. I need to do something different.

"Thank you." I tell Hale and smile to her.

"No problem." She says as I jump out of the chair.