Trying Not to Feel At All

Chapter 8

What the hell is happening to me? I don't understand why I've been feeling this way or who I even am anymore. I feel like I'm broken inside, shattered like a billion mirrors, like an impossible to put back together puzzle.

Everyday it's like something new gets f****d up in my life, seriously every f*****g day.

I want to give up and let go and just become a distant memory, but some part of me, deep, deep down inside won't let me. Whatever that part is, it's like a tiny thread at this point, slightly fraying and if I can't figure out what's wrong with me soon it's going to snap and then I'll have nothing to keep me holding on.

I know I'm depressed, but trying to talk to anyone about it is basically a waste of time.

I've never liked or wanted to talk about myself or my feelings even when I was a kid and now that I'm an adult I still don't want to talk and I don't even know where to go or how to start.

Things were going so well for me in the beginning of the summer and then it's like someone put a curse on me and everything is going to hell. What do I do damn it?

I'm done crying, there's no point. So I just sit here and act miserable all day thinking about how everything is going to s**t.

I wish I could talk to Jordan about it but he makes me feel like an i***t and like there's something I can do to change it. Then he is always mad because I'm like this and that definitely doesn't help the situation, so I just dont say anything and continue to sit and deal with my madness by myself.

I want to be happy and goofy, go with the flow me again, but I need the answer of how to make that happen.

I feel like the world and the people in my life would be better off without me, but I can't take that final step and I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared, maybe there's something I'm still supposed to do or maybe I just can't.

I miss my friends. They all have kids now though and I don't want to bother them with my problems.

I wish I could go back in time to when I was like 14 or 15 years old and just start over. I wish I could see my grandma and my mom one more time and just talk with them for a little while. But wishes are a waste of time, it's seems like everything I do now is a waste of time.

I want tell them I'm sorry, sorry that I'm not like my siblings, that I'm the black sheep f**k up of our family.

How do I change that or anything in my life, especially considering my entire body hurts all the time, but Jordan and everyone else think I'm making that up to. It's mostly my pancreatitis but of course they still nor will they probably ever have an answer for why it's happening, at least not until it turns into cancer. Maybe that's why I can't end it yet, my body is waiting for the pancreatic cancer to finally show itself. Well, yay me, more pain.

If I do get cancer, I'm not getting any treatment. I watched everything my mom went through and I made a promise to myself that I would never put myself through that. They can just load me up with whatever pills and then I'm going to spend the last of my days on a beach somewhere, possibly Connecticut or hopefully Thailand until I finally fade away.

The rest of my family is fine and happy and although I know my Dah is depressed like me, he's stronger than me and will get through it.

I love my family, both sides, I always have, even when we had out stupid bullshit falling out. Horrible, heartbreaking things were said to me but I forgive them, even the ones that don't deserve it, but I still do forgive them.

I wish them all the happiness in the world and that their lives are filled with love and peace.

They will probably never see this and probably wouldn't care even if they did but it was something I needed to say.

If or when I'm gone, I just wanted the people in my life, family and friends that I love them and thank you for the memories and the love you used to show me.

I'm not going anywhere yet, but I'm not psychic so who knows what might happen.

I need to get out of this box and out of my head. Take me away, anywhere...just get me away from here.