Trying Not to Feel At All

Chapter 7

I am so sick of being here and being treated like a f*****g child! if it's not Jordan then it's his f*****g annoying ass, piece of s**t father. At least if I lived back home, it would be somewhat justifiable for my actual dad to treat me like a child. But even then, I'm 35 f*****g years old!!!

I'm no one's f*****g child so stop treating me like one! God f*****g Damn!

If I want to f*****g drink, then I'm gonna, if I want to smoke, fall asleep and burn this piece of s**t trailer down ( which they're lucky I haven't yet, because it is worse than that trailer on the show "My Name is Earl.") It would ve considered a miracle, especially with all his dads hoarded bullshit. The place if f*****g disgusting and no professional cleaner could even attempt it. As soon as an inspector looked at it, he would make it be torn down in a heart beat.

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It's a new day and I feel numb again. I'm glad it's labor day because that means I at least don't have to think about the million things I need to get done. I can just sit around and do nothing today which is fine with me.

I was looking at apartments last night and holy s**t, you basically need to be s millionaire to live in one, so that's not an option. Then I thought about getting all my s**t together and keeping it at my dad's and then just taking my piece of crap van and driving somewhere, anywhere as long as it's away from everything here.

I've been sad and depressed before but never this bad. I don't know what's wrong with me but I wish it would just stop. I can't keep going like this much longer.

I really wish I had someone to talk to buy apparently I don't have insurance anymore and all my "friends" have lives and are too busy with their kids.

I miss my grandma, no matter what she was always there for me, even just to listen. She passed during covid and I wasn't able to see her because I was in the hospital too with a shitty pancreatitis flare up.

She was literally my best friend! We hung out all the time, practically everyday and when she passed it was like the universe exploded.

You would've loved her, everyone did. She was fun, funny, smart, sarcastic, a goofy ass, an an angel and devil all in one but she always knew how to make you smile, no matter how horrible you may have been feeling. That woman was my world and now my world is gone. I will always love her and think about her, just like my mom. Two perfect people taken way too soon.

If there is a God or some all knowing super something out there, I hope he knows he's a d**k. He obviously likes to watch people in pain and then take the good people who give us joy away. Well you can go f**k yourself God! There are times I may think you're real but it's only because you're THE immense douchebag of the universe.

You don't actually care about anyone except yourself and then you expect us to worship you and thank you for the s**t we live in. This planet sucks, or have you not noticed?

I hope one day you feel the pain of every human you've so called created, because no matter how powerful you are it will hurt you. It may even break you and that's the day I'll be thankful for something, you sanctimonious d**k head. Again, f**k you.

I'm beginning not to feel as sad anymore. It's turning more into apathy. I just don't care about anything anymore. I figure what's the point?

I'm never going to have the life I want, the s**t will never stop piling up around me, so there just is no point in caring anymore.

I'll just continue to get up, go through my shitty day surrounded by lazy cunts, come home, find some show to put on to distract me until it's time to go to bed. Then I'll lay there for an hour or so waiting for insomnia to dissipate until I finally fall asleep, then I'll wake up and do it all again. Over and over until I die.

I have nothing to look forward to in this shitty life, not even anything on television, and that's really saying something, so I'll just continue to follow my daily routine until the end.

At least I've stopped crying, I definitely prefer apathy to that bullshit