Trying Not to Feel At All

Chapter 6

I don't know why I'm so sad and depressed lately. All I want to do is crawl under the covers, curl into a ball, and cry until I fall asleep until I either wake up or don't.

I also wouldn't mind some wine, but since I live in a house where every move I make is watched and judged like I'm on the Truman show (a Jim Carey movie you should watch if you haven't).

I know I'm not supposed to drink, because of my pancreatitis issues, but I just dont care anymore. I continue to get flare ups randomly and I've seen so many doctors and specialists and still not one of them can explain how or why it happens.

I'm not a habitual drinker, I mean of course I have an occasional drink maybe two or three times a year if that even. It's just another thing I missed out, going crazy and getting wasted at parties.

I left work early yesterday because I was in so much pain and since I didn't want to come home since I hate it here, I finally went to the lake instead, the place where me and my friends would go, it just held alot of good memories. I knew it was late and I wasn't supposed to be there but I just needed it. Then of course a cop showed up. He could tell immediately that I was upset so he talked with me for a bit and I was grateful but all the things he was saying were pretty much cliches or things he thought would make me feel better. It's like he was singing the sun will come out tomorrow to someone who absolutely hates that song and also, to someone whose not sure how many more tomorrows she is going to see.

I don't want to be this way or feel this way buy I can't seem to stop. It's like for the past few weeks every thing that can go wrong has.

It's like everyone around me is living their best lives and I'm stuck in such a deep hole that no one can hear me screaming for help...I NEED HELP!!

I must be one hell of an actor considering I'm practically screaming for someone to see my pain and how close I am to the edge, but all anyone seems to see is happy go lucky, fun, chill Sara. Well, that Sara is gone. From now on I'm going to a b***h, to literally everyone. They blatantly act and show that they don't give a f**k about me, seriously whenever anyone talks to me, I can tell they're not listening, if they don't pull the d**k move of interrupting me (which happens alot since I'm surrounded by assholes), I can tell they're just waiting for their chance to talk and tell me some dumb bullshit where I'm supposed to act interested, which I always did, but not anymore.

Now when people talk to me I'm just going to act bored as hell, say cool and then walk away, even if they're still talking.

HA, good job you big bunch of f**k ups, you've unleashed the evil super b***h!

Hopefully it helps cheer me up to be a b***h and finally say what's on my mind and not just fake concern or joy for them. There a few people I really can't wait to be this way toward, some stupid fuckers that really need to be put in their places, which is the big old pile of cunt s**t they made for themselves, I hope you have fun you big old bag of d***s.

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I want to have a little bit of happiness and if I have to do some sketchy s**t to get it, I will.

I don't want to be a hero, f**k that noise....I am going to be a villain baby.

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I feel numb today, but it's definitely better than how I've been feeling. There must be something broken in me but since I have no idea what it could possibly be, I guess it will just stay that way.

Also, I am always tired. Like even right now I could close my eyes and fall asleep, even though I just woke up like two hours ago. I'm pretty sure that's a definite sign of depression.

Another thing I realized is I have no friends. I used to have Amanda, we were best friends since we were about six years old, but I haven't seen or spoken to her in probably close to a year, possibly longer.

There's Jordan, the boyfriend but I wouldn't be able to talk to him about most of the things going on in my life and in my head. He just wouldn't understand.

Then of course I hate everyone I work with and even if there could be a potential among them, there is no way I could ever really trust them. I can't trust anyone actually...people truly suck. No one is real and they're all out there doing dumb s**t with their phones instead of trying to make an actual true and personal connection.

I know I hate people but I don't nor could I ever hate her. She's been through alot with me and I've always been there for her too no matter what. I'm happy for her though, she's working, making new friends, and is spending more time with her kids which is super cool and great for her.

I guess she doesn't need me anymore and that's probably a good thing for her. I'm going to miss her with every breath in my lungs, like I have missed her since the last time I saw her. I truly hope she is doing well and has the best most incredible life she could want.

I just miss my friend. She has always been more than that though, she's been like my true sister.

Losing her is like losing a huge piece of my heart. All I can do though is hope she has a great life because she definitely deserves every happiness there is to offer. I will love you bestie always and forever.