Trying Not to Feel At All

Chapter 5

My Aunt Kathy died and I was just told today...not sure when it happened though. I'm sad and I can't stop crying, even though I never f*****g cry. Although, I'm sad and I'll miss her goofy, awesome, openness, at least I know she is with my mom, her sister, now. Those two are going to make God bonkers!

I did have to work today until 10 pm but they let me leave because of her death. I didn't know where to go.

The boyfriend and his dad are both home and I know my dad is home, so is my aunt and grandpa at my gramp's house.

Normally, when I want to be alone I would drive down to the lake because the water just comforts me and makes me feel like me again but I don't know, I didn't feeling like driving that far. So I'm sitting in my car, in one of those reservation drive off places. There's a little pond and it's cool outside so it's not too bad of a spot.

I know my boyfriend probably wants to comfort me and help me feel better but that's just not me.

As I have mentioned plenty of times before, I like being alone. I have always been this way, even when I was a kid. Don't get me wrong, I like chillin with people and having a good time and for some reason it's like people are drawn to me, ugh. But for the most part, I just want to be left alone.

I'm going to miss my aunt. We never really talked except occasionally on f*******:, but she never treated me any kind of way except with love. She wasn't like the rest of the family, who are hypocrital, judgemental douches...she was true. She didn't care what anyone thought of her and she was always nice and awesome to everyone.

I love you so much woman and I hope you continue to spread your joy and awesome self all over heaven (or wherever you and mom are lol). I don't mean Hell, I'm agnostic so they could be anywhere in the universe, I just hope they are happy.

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I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I understand I put myself in these situations but since I'm entirely unable to handle confrontation ( like I'll just horribly moon walk away backwards or just not say or do anything at all), then I find myself stuck.

That's why I would love to change my name and move away somewhere far, where no one knows me.

I want/ need to go back to Connecticut as soon as possible. As soon as you pass the state line you can already smell the salty fresh air and just everything is so much better there. I need to see the ocean and feel the sweet breeze on my face. I feel like I'm home there, like I'm meant to be there.

I used to want to live in New York city. Both times I went there I loved the hustle and bustle of everything, but now I would probably hate it because of all the annoying as hell people. There are just too many and everything is crowded and loud.

Honestly, I don't know what I want anymore or where I want to be. Gone, I just want to be gone. I think the only reason I haven't ended it completely, is because of TV. I know that seems like stupidest reason of all time but television is like the only joy in my life. I go to work and deal with all the bullshit there just thinking the whole day about getting home and turning on the TV.

I've been tempted and close many times but I never take that final step. Not only television keeps me here, but I think of my father (who I call Dah- not sure why, just always have), it would not only break his heart but I fear it would completely break him as well, and he is already hurting and has lost so much, not only lately but all through his life.

He is beyond an incredible father and man. After my mother, the love of his life, passed, the rest of my shitty family were trying to figure out ways to split up my 3 siblings and me to take care of us but my dad said hell no and that he would not have HIS children split up and taken care of my a bunch of hypocrital, asshole liars.

Although he didn't have that great of a job and wasn't making alot of money, he also did tons of side jobs and worked his ass off so he could keep our house, that he built, and take care of his 4 young children. Even though he worked constantly, somehow he always made time for us. Whether it was to be at our sporting events or our singing and band concerts or anything extra we had going on. I thought and still believe that somehow he was magic!

For him, I'm still on this shitty ass planet, living my crappy life, but I cannot leave him on his own. Yes, he has 3 other kids, my siblings, but besides my older sister, my younger siblings hardly if ever even call or text him.

I love my Dah with my whole heart, always and forever. I live the closest to him and try to see him as much as possible and talk to him as well. I know parents aren't supposed to have them but I know I'm his favorite, sorry guys but at least my siblings know and are fine with it.

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I'm still sad and severely depressed, I have been depressed for a very long time and today did not help at all. Although I feel this way and my outrageous anxiety doesn't help either, you don't have to worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid and hurt myself.

I'm just going to keep pushing my feelings and pain down until one day I may explode on someone or just go completely mad.

I know I should probably talk to a professional but I've done so before and they never help or listen to me anyway, so I don't see the point. I will just continue to suffer in silence as I have for as long as I can remember.

Again I feel I must say goodbye Aunt Kathy and I hope you know I always loved you. Keep being your amazing self wherever you are and tell my mom I say hi and I still think of her everyday and miss and love you both with my whole heart always and forever. I will see you both again someday...but not too soon I hope.