Trying Not to Feel At All

Chapter 4

Well, to begin, we all already know I hate my life. But days like today just make me want to bite the bullet, jump off a cliff, kick the chair out... I think you get the idea.

First, worked sucked, like usual. I've been done being nice to the people I work with...they can all suck a big bag of old d***s. They are conceded, condescending, idiotic beyond belief (although somehow they think they're smart), and just straight up two faced assholes.

I no longer "pick up the slack" and help/ pretty much do their jobs anymore. They will barely lift a finger to give me a little help so why the f**k should I do anything for them?

Same thing with the "bosses" or administration. They're a bunch of two faced, f****d up d**k heads too. So if or when I do anything wrong, I'll just nod my head, smile, say okay a bunch of times and then just say f**k it and them, then continue on my merry way.

For the most part, I only like the residents but lately they've been being douchy too, at least most of them. Yeah, I get it, you're in a retirement home and you know it's pretty much the end of line, no matter how many people tell you otherwise. Of course, there are those rare few that do get to escape the Hell house, but not you. But just because you're stuck there until you die basically, there's no reason to treat me like s**t and like I'm your god damn f*****g slave. Don't take your bullshit anger out on me asshole, I'm not the one who locked you up in this horrible place, it was more than likely your family and its probably because you're an old, raggedy, asshole old bat and they would rather pay someone else to deal with you than figure out a way to take care of you at home.

Ugh, sorry but I am just super pissy, miserable, and irritated today, so I may go on many rants. Sorry definitely not sorry. 😉

Not only do I have to deal with horrible staff, crotchety old residents, buuuuut also their family. Yay...absolutely f*****g not.

OH, your family member needs something that's like two f*****g feet away but instead of getting off your lazy fat ass and getting it your damn self, you have to interrupt my busy f*****g job, just so I can walk all the down to east bum f**k moronville, plaster on a fake as hell smile and politely grab whatever it was your family member "had" to have. Then on top of all that outrageous bullshit, most if not all of the time, I don't even get a simple "Thank you." Nope, instead it's like I become invisible (best case scenario) or its like I'm some kind of in the way nuisance, even though I only stay long enough to ask that they have everything or need anything else. Of course they say no and they're fine but....then like 5 f*****g minutes later the call light comes again and again they need, more like want something else.

I am just so f*****g irritated right now! With that shitty hell hole of place that thinks it's deserves to be called a great long term care facility and also with this f*****g place I have to come home to after. Seriously, lately there have been so many days I would rather live with my dad again, at least he left me alone and wasn't all up in my life 24/7. Even when we did talk, I enjoyed our conversations and he never treated me like a f*****g ATM, always needing money for some bullshit bill crap.

Like for real, I feel like my boyfriends dad just makes up random bills whenever the f**k he wants or when he can see that we or more like me have a bit of extra income so I can buy a few little special things I've wanted that I couldn't get before. Not anything huge either, it could be make up or skin care products or even just some new clothes.

Oh my f*****g God too, I don't even think, like I would almost bet on it that whatever money we give him doesn't even go to any of the "so called bills." I just know he his more than likely giving it to his "perfect" daughter.

Ha, she is beyond perfect, she doesn't even come close to the word, unless its perfect cunt. She has her dad wrapped around her finger and gets whatever she wants, which right now, she is trying to get him to sign all of his s**t over to her, so she would basically power of attorney.

If he ends up doing that then when he passes, she will do everything she can to make sure her brother (my boyfriend) will not get anything even though it's supposed to be something like she gets $40,000 and her brother is supposed to get the trailer and the land (which isn't that much). But she would rather be a mega b***h and sell the land or fix it up and flip it and keep everything for herself because she's a greedy hoe bag.

Like she has never had an actual job for more than a day in her whole like 40ish years of life,, she goes garbage picking and then goes back and totally over sells bull crap on her website. Oh yeah and her dad thinks she is harder worker than me. (f*****g douchebags)

She is married, but he's a f*****g weirdo and works at a winery...my point is that somehow they own their own home, on a decent amount of land, their own car, and somehow go on vacations like all the f*****g time.

I'm not stupid, obviously "daddy" probably pays for most of it if not all of it, so again my point is I hate giving him my definite hard f*****g worked for money for bullshit bills when I just know it's going to pay for that bitches golden f*****g life.

Ugh f**k them all!!!!!

*******

I still wish I could get my own place and live alone. I'm 35 years old and I've never lived on my own.

I understand I'm getting up there in years but people still think I'm in my twenties, not that that has anything to do with this, but maybe there's still time to get my own little place.

The boyfriend and I would definitely have to break up for any of that to happen though. I love him, but sometimes I feel like I'm being held hostage. He is a good man and treats me right but I just don't know if this is the life for me.

It's not like I'm going to go out partying or to the bar...I would love to just come home from work, to my own place, all by myself, perhaps turn something/anything I want on the television, cook only for myself or order something and just be alone and not have to talk to anyone for as long as I want.

I don't even care if I become a spinster or something. Like I've said before, I don't get lonely. I would be completely and totally content if I were the last human left on the planet.

Dreams, wishes, and hopes do not come true though. We live on a shitty planet, in a shitty world, filled with shitty cities, and worst of all, shitty people that are unfortunately f*****g everywhere.

******

Maybe one day soon the apocalypse will arrive!