Sunshine

XLVII

ANOTHER sunset, another day has ended. Just like everyone else you ended this day too like you did yesterday and the other days that passed. The night is young but your social battery died already so you decided to go home straight, declining the offer of a get-together over dinner. The way home was as how you knew it. Though you weren’t sure if tonight’s ride home was faster than yesterday or otherwise. Then you’re home. Again it looks the same. While doing your usual routine you noticed the subtle changes that actually happened. Can one get used to changes over night?

It must be the cold of the night, or the space left on your bed that makes you feel the loneliness. The loneliness that slowly creeps on you and eats you whole that even under the thick blankets you can still feel the shivers of the night. And even if your back is not laid against a cold floor but on a comfortable mattress but then your spine’s frozen. Your hands felt the loneliest it made you touch yourself hoping it eases the cold feeling. But that’s useless. It’s no fun.

And that’s when you’ll know that there’s no comfort in the world that could substitute the comfort a presence of a loved one gives. That even in their absence you chose to lay in the cold than find warmness in any other things or places. And no self-motivations and self-convincing could possibly melt the freezing heart. If you are lonely with being alone then you are lonely. And if it is being alone that makes you lonely then you need someone to help you ease the pain.

Slowly in calculated steps, like a shadow creeping in the dark she walked inside the bedroom they share. It still looked the same as she left, well-maintained and regularly cleaned. She can’t remember when was the last time she slept on that bed. Was she gone for a few days only? Or did a week already pass her by? The time went by unnoticed as her mind jumbled and knots she couldn’t connect together started strangling her. She couldn’t think straight. And it made her insensible to everything.

She sat on the bed. Even in her most efforts to be careful it still moved.

“Olivia?”

Alex attempted to get up from the bed but Olivia stopped her, shaking her head no. “Just stay lying.”

In Olivia’s soft smile Alex obliged, going back to bed lying on her side. Her eyes locked on the face she haven’t seen for a while. She missed her. So much. “Are you now back?”

Alex whispered, her voice still sound sleepy. It could be because she woke up in the middle of her sleep or because of tiredness. But then could be both.

“No, not yet. I think I’ll take longer this time.”

“Was it hard to get inspiration this time? All right. I understand.” Alex crawl her hands to Olivia’s. She gave it a squeeze. “And thank you for dropping by. I was worried.”

“I’m sorry. For making you worry. I’ve been making you worry.”

Alex shook her head no, then put their clutching hands together on her lips, kissing Olivia’s hands. “I love you, Olivia.”

“I do too, Alex.”

Olivia stood up, pulling her hand from Alex as a result. Alex looked up at her still lying on her side. Her eyes kept closing. She’s so close to falling into a deep slumber again.

“I will make the world stop lying to you, Alex. And I’ll come back then.”

Alex woke up the next day thinking she just had a dream. But she held on to that promise Olivia whispered to her.

Truth. Reality. Life.

MORNINGS starts at Kahilom Orphanage with the chapel’s bell, telling everyone to wake up and get dressed to attend the morning daily mass. All kids, understanding the rules always attends the holy mass. But these kids that got woken up from their sleep in most times just doze off with the mass celebrant’s sermons. And even those who managed to stay up and alert don’t understand a thing, too. But maybe it was the innocence of the child that the chapel needs at the moment.

After the mass breakfast has been served at the common dining room, a large room with long tables and chairs to give enough space to all kids. This is the time when these kids starts to get loud, in busy chatters among their friends and how they’re excited with their usual eggs and fried rice and a cup of hot cocoa. Those chatters continues as they fill their hungry stomachs while constantly wiping their sweaty foreheads as the room only had a single huge ceiling fan for ventilation that barely helped due to its age.

One of the few other rules in the orphanage also includes the what they call the dining etiquette, where chatters may not be prohibited but those who fail to clean and wash their own plates will receive a punishment of reading exercise or a math equation. Kids dreaded that extra work since that means they can’t play that afternoon, but some kids who are either forgetful or just plain hard-headed becomes an unnecessary example.

Then class from the nuns comes after that. Classes given were simple reading and writing exercises, simple arithmetic exercises, elementary Science and English. Those classes takes up the entire morning and a few hours of the afternoon, with lunch breaks and recess, of course.

And the highlight of the day comes to save it. Playtime!

As kids as they are they are most excited with playing that studying. Kids were more hyperactive than they were in the classrooms making the nuns and volunteers quite hard to watch them more. In the result some trips, some cries over wounds on shoulders and elbows, some breaks into childish fights. Most of them gets a quick trip to the clinic for disinfection and a little scolding.

As usual those estranged kids just stayed on the corner hugging their knees next to each other. You can say they are each other’s friends. Only friends.

“Did you know that girls are supposed to keep their hair neat if they want their prince charming to come?”

The little boy opened up. The reading exercise earlier with a book called Rapunzel made the little boy Juan think girls should have their hairs braided neatly for a prince to come. Though he couldn’t understand how that prince managed to climb a castle using Rapunzel’s hair when hairs are supposed to brittle and scalps falls apart when hairs are pulled.

“Why would you think I would want a prince charming?”

Olivia answered, frowning. She haven’t voiced out yet but she hated the story earlier because she thinks it’s stupid, and it’s more stupid that the other kids liked it and started dreaming for prince charmings.

“Then what do you want, then?”

“To be my own prince charming.” Olivia said, then immediately murmured the next words. “Or a super hero, or be my own transformer. Anything.”

Juan laughed. Very hard and loud. That was his first laugh ever since anyone could remember that it stole attention from anyone nearby for a moment. While Olivia only scowled at him, so close to pushing him to the ground but a volunteer uncle was watching nearby.

“What’s funny?”

Juan took some time to finally stop from laughing. But what really stopped him was when he saw Olivia’s eyes that started watering. He didn’t meant to make her cry.

“Hey I’m sorry. It’s just that I can’t believe you because you can’t even fix your own hair. It looks like a nest.”

“What?” Olivia was really about to cry. But when Juan started taking out a comb and a hair tie from his shorts pocket she swallowed the tears back.

“Where you got that?”

“The one I shared the Rapunzel book with on class earlier. I forgot her name.”

Juan stood up and stood behind Olivia. In inexperienced hands he combed Olivia’s hair. But the comb just got strangled on Olivia’s hair that it angered her. But still she did not told Juan to stop. She just complained. Finally the combing’s done. Juan finished it with the hair tie, applying what he saw with the other girls earlier. He struggled once again but he still successful.

Olivia looked at him. She met Juan’s smiling face, proud of what he’s done.

“They say a girl who can fix her own hair is capable of doing anything.”

JUAN Valencia immediately went running up the stairs the moment the taxi he rode on finally brought him to Astra Apartments. He was in so hurry that he didn’t bothered checking the reception area and did not even bothered when the lady in there shouted. But the shouting did not last long, though. As the lady was not actually concerned but just taken aback.

His running shoes made a squeaking sound in every hallways with his every steps as he ran. His steps were quick and light, running like there’s no tomorrow or as if he’s chasing something disappearing. But then that must what it was meant when they say tomorrow did not come again. It was not tomorrow that ran out, it was not tomorrow that did not come but the people and moments. The next day came like it should, but the people you taught will be there too already disappeared.

And Juan was right. She already disappeared. Olivia’s gone when he came back.

Juan sighed in exasperation as he let himself slam on the cold floors of the apartment. He let his bottom touch the floor and his back on the wall behind him as sighed again, hsi eyes closed while catching his breath. He thought of what he will do from here next.

Captain Rivera won’t easily allow his request. He knew that before he asked. Antonio Rivera is loyal to his sworn job, to the oath he took in his profession. He is the most loyal among them. And that loyalty must be something his professionalism and long years in the service brought. And yes, that’s it. What Juan asked was dishonorable as a policeman. Very unprofessional. He was being unreasonable and he was being immature.

But protecting means taking in all blows, even the smallest ones in that person stead just to make sure he’s safe. And that in all those blows you have to make sure he only gets the fragments, and only a splinter in the eye and a little cough from the smoke is acceptable. You have to make sure he doesn’t bleed tho that means you have to die.

But only die on the biggest blow. Only die on the last blow. Make sure all the enemies and misfortunes die with you. That’s only when you can comfortably breath out your last breath.

Nevermind the tears that might come after. Just smile to the them. And they will soon stop crying. Make sure to smile before you go, though.

Juan knows Olivia already thought about it hard. And that she already weighed all the consequences and how much she will lost and he also knows she already realized there’s also possibility that she might not gain a single damn thing. Even that damned thing called justice. He also knows Olivia is preparing herself for the worst. Probably out there practicing the life where she already lost everything.

He knows in fact that she came prepared. But if he could he will not let that happen.

But he needs to see her first.

The sunny afternoon sky that he can glimpse a sight of from the broken windows drawn him. Juan stood up from sitting on the floor and walked towards the window, the same window where he and Olivia watched the sunrise together. The view from this apartment is not any different. It’s ordinary.

“I know you don’t need any protection. I know you only lived while you tried so hard to be stronger so you could protect yourself. But please let me protect you, Olivia. You don’t need to be fragile. Just let me stand next to you in your fights.”

Juan whispered, Juan begged to the sky. It’s as if whatever’s on the clouds or whoever’s at the highest of it could help him relay what he just said. But he silently hoped they would reach her. He sincerely hoped Olivia will know he is now here. And that he is sorry for what happened in the past.

Juan reached for the ends of the windows and closed it though he knows it wouldn’t. There he saw a small piece of garterized blue silk, hanged carefully on a rusty nail. A hair tie.

Juan took it and immediately ran out of the apartment.

I’ll tie your hair again like the last time, Olivia.