Macabre Tales 4

SLANGERED

SLANGERED

(It always makes sense not to ill treat animals, and if you happen to know a little German, you’ll soon realize which species this tale is about.)

Jeremy Alan Temple was a vain man and he liked his given names very much. Gazing in his bathroom mirror, especially after a hot shower and a shave, he would pronounce them slowly; and often several times, They fitted in with his suave appearance perfectly, especially with his waved hair, and neat mustache. The only problem that otherwise detracted from his immaculate appearance was his height. It always bothered him when he had to look up to people, especially girls. He was reasonably proportioned from the neck down, but always frustrated by the fact that his total height was only five feet five and a half inches.

In group photographs, and long mirrors, his small stature always seemed to stand out and spoil the effect. He had realized, even as a teenager, it was his short neck that let him down. There was hardly anything of it. Rollneck pullovers, as well as shirts with deep collars were always a problem.

As a boy he’d tried several times to make himself taller. Even so far as to try stretching his neck with a soft rope, stepping gingerly off a low chair, one leg at a time... his leg that is. Fortunately for him, the hook in his bedroom ceiling let him down one day, when he got more daring. It proved to be not strong enough. His father played hell with him over the damage especially the lumps of ripped out plaster in the ceiling. “No pocket money this month for you lad,” he growled, somehow resisting the temptation to massage his son’s ears with the palm of his hand. “What’s wrong with you? What were you trying to do, commit suicide?”

He was a small man himself but, being a successful bank manager, with so many clients always eager to be friendly, his height had never bothered him. Jeremy didn’t answer, he just howled.

He turned out to be a bright youth as he grew older, and after university he took a job in the research laboratory of a company that specialized in ultrasonic devices. He was put to work at the top end of the scale, investigating the effect of intense sound waves on living bone and tissue.

The work was fascinating and soon began to indicate that certain very high frequencies could induce extra growth in some substances, especially bone. For his experiments he used a small snake. which he named Slanger. That was the identification on the invoice from the German company that had supplied the creature.

After only a few weeks of Jeremy’s ultrasonic treatment, the hapless Slanger grew in length by an extra twenty three centimetres, Jeremy was delighted. He wrote up his notes, prepared his scientific paper and submitted it to the relevant society for publication. He didn’t have long to wait, not only did they accept it it, they invited him to present it at the next Congress in New York City, in two months time, all expenses paid. He was elated, until he thought about the problem of standing on a stage, and peering over a high book rest to give his paper. That was when he began to get a promising idea. The enlarging process worked with a snake, so why not with a human being?

He built a thin transducer unit, carefully fitted to his neck, capable of expanding in width as required. He managed to get it home with no trouble, the company security guards on the gates were used to scientists taking work home.

After his evening meal, Jeremy opened the device he had constructed and carefully attached it around his neck.Then, after adjusting the locking clamp and taking a deep breath, he switched on the power, making sure the output was set at minimum level. With great care, he increased the output by just a fraction and held it there. After a while, the only effect he noticed was a pleasant tingling sensation. That is, until he closed his mouth tightly and clenched his teeth together. They squealed in protest and the excruciating grinding sounds gave him an instant headache. He turned down the power slightly until he felt comfortable again, and then decided to have a rest. He reached for a book and read it until he dozed off comfortably. Waking up about two hours later, he decided that was enough for one session, so he switched everything off and turned in for the night.

Next morning, he awoke with his neck feeling sore. There were a few bluish marks where the clamp had been secured around his short neck, but nothing worse.

He tried the device again a day later, in an evening session lasting three hours, but this time with the power at a more comfortable level, and a small strip of foamed plastic between his teeth. This time he felt no serious discomfort at all.

He kept the procedure up for a week and was soon delighted to notice that his shirt collars seemed looser than usual. He put a tape measure around his neck and discovered he’d lost about an inch in diameter. This was encouraging, so he crossed his fingers and had a go at measuring the height of his neck. That wasn’t easy, because it was not the same all around. He decided he’d need to make one or two guide marks to see if anything was happening,

After a month of this treatment, every other evening, he was overjoyed to find that his neck had doubled in height, not too difficult when it had begun with such a low number. However, he was not satisfied. His target was to increase his height as close as possible up to six feet, and be ready to present his paper to the congress, which was now only three weeks away. He decided he needed to know how much power he could safely employ, to speed things up. The only sure way to find out was to experiment further with his tame friend Slanger, the snake.

The following afternoon he managed to get the creature out of its cage and safely into his brief case. Fortunately again, he had no trouble at the security gate.

Back home Jeremy tipped Slanger out onto the kitchen table. He then noticed that the snake had a bulge half way along its body probably the half digested remains of a bird, or small rabbit, someone had fed it. Jeremy attached his device around that area and found it fitted perfectly. Next, with a marker pen, he drew a ring around the snake’s body against each side of the device.

“Slanger old boy,” he exclaimed, “the hyper-sound waves will aid your digestion, and that meal should be easier to absorb afterwards. The extra space around your spine will help buffer and spread the output, like the flesh does around my neck”

He switched on the power and waited. He was reassured when Slanger seemed to be unperturbed, and was possibly even enjoying the experience. Its coils began to spread out and become relaxed lower on the table, while its eyes regarded Jeremy with interest as he increased the power and then waited again, for a few minutes. No adverse reactions became apparent, so Jeremy increased the power once more. The snake seemed to shiver and twitch slightly, and then it closed its eyes. Jeremy, somewhat alarmed, reduced the power output and examined the creature intently. There seemed to be no damage caused to it, and although it wasn’t moving, he felt sure it was still alive and healthy. He increased the power again to where it was before, then a little higher, and then waited again. Very slowly the snake opened one of its eyes and regarded him. Jeremy began to talk to it again. “A couple more notches will probably be the maximum output I can get from this gadget.” He turned the power knob two more clicks, right up the maximum, Slanger suddenly shuddered, and its coils unwound rapidly. Jeremy fell back in alarm as the heavy front end of the snake bounced off his shoulder and then slammed hard up against his forehead. He vainly tried to reach the control knob again, but didn’t quite make it, just as Slanger decided to move rapidly to a nice safer place to coil himself around.

Next morning he was missed at work, and so was Slanger. The following day, Steve Clements, one of the security men was dispatched to check up on Jeremy’s whereabouts, starting first at his home. Nobody answered the door, so Steve went around the back and looked through the window. He could see that something was definitely wrong, by the strange way that Jeremy was resting, doubled up over the kitchen table. Steve opened his cell-phone and called for an ambulance. Then he forced open the back door and went in.

Later, in the hospital morgue, the duty pathologist eventually managed to unwind the dead snake from around Jeremy’s neck. It wasn’t easy, especially the rock hard swollen part in the middle. “Death by misadventure” was the verdict pronounced by the coroner, after he had heard and seen all the evidence from the pathologist. Including the before and after photographs of the deceased, and the various details and measurements of the body, especially its height. The last full length shot was rather unusual. It reminded him a picture he had once seen of an African giraffe necked woman.

Comment – The original name for that unfortunate creature would have been “schlange”… but you know how hopeless most ‘Englanders’ are at pronouncing or writing down, any foreign words they’ve heard, me included… which explains the title of this tale!