Betrayal

Silvia strummed her fingers against the armrest of the couch unable to look at the woman in front of her. “Silvia talk to me?” The woman spoke gently. Silvia looked up and finally took in the room. It wasn’t as clinical as she had expected. In fact, it felt warm filled with beautiful art pieces. The setting was very cozy and intimate. She had expected to be lying down while a man spoke to her behind a file in a doctor like room. This felt well personal. Silvia breathed and stood up “I am sorry this was a mistake. I am not. I mean I am not. Well I am not this kind of person”. The lady was so warm and open. She just calmly spoke with her good-natured demeanor oozing out. “Silvia please sit there is a reason you have chosen to come to therapy. Why don’t we just talk about that”. Silvia felt her nerves building inside her, but she quietly sat back down and started biting the corner of her nails. Realizing what she was doing she quickly stopped and gave the therapist and apologetic look “Sorry, I have a terrible habit of biting the corner of my nails”. The lady just sat warmly and every time she spoke it felt gentle like a breeze in the summer. “Why do you feel so apologetic Silvia”. Silvia rolled her eyes “My step father hated when I did that. I didn’t want to be rude”. This wasn’t the time to be speaking of him. “That’s not why I am here, Yes he wasn’t the greatest person but I am fine with that” She looked back at the woman thinking this was the biggest waste of time. She was not the sort of person that needs therapy. This wasn’t her and just as she thought maybe she should just cancel the whole thing the therapist asked “Then why are you here Silvia?” “Ummm… Well after my stepsister died my nan thought that I should attend Therapy” Silvia shrugged scared to speak another word. Scared for anyone to know the truth? to know how awful a human she was. The things she did she grimaced thinking about the painful past which was painful. A pain she could hardly bare but wasn’t that the reason she needed this. The reason she needed to change and move on was for Lenny’s sake. “When did your step Sister die Silvia?” The therapist asked gently. “Oh umm she died just over three years ago” Silvia looked down feeling the pain inside knowing it was her and her actions that caused her stepsisters death. “So why now Silvia?”. Silvia felt panicked as she knew she was a terrible person and the thought of anyone knowing terrified her. The therapist calmly said “Silvia everything said in this room stays in this room” Silvia looked out the window and felt a single tear fall. She quickly whipped it away angrily, crying was a sign of weakness. She would never allow herself to cry not again. “Because well my son Lenny. He is almost three and he means everything to me. He is the most incredible little boy and well….” Silvia trailed feeling a lump in her throat and the fear in her heart as she was terrified to admit the grief of it all to anyone. “Well when Lenny was born, you see he looked like his father. But the older he gets the more uncanny his appearance to his father is. And ummm….” This was so much harder than she expected and she took a deep shaky breath. “When I look at him, I see his father in so many ways. Not just in looks but in nature as well. Growing up I was always the fiery one and his father was always calm and gentle. Lenny is so like him. He is so much like his father. Very considerate and smart. Always thinking before acting in everything. He doesn’t jump like me. He accesses things and then acts. He is kind and open-hearted all things I am not.” She could feel a gut-wrenching feeling knowing her next admission was almost impossible to bear. “When I think of his father. When I think of Lenny’s father, I think of…. I think of my stepsister….” Silvia stumbled on the words before carrying on feeling the tension in the air. “I think of the baby she carried, and I wonder if he or she would look like Lenny. I think of the pain I felt when I discovered her pregnancy and the grief I feel because of how I caused her death. I think of the lives I took by my cruel actions. Not just my stepsisters but the baby as well. The day I left replays in my head over and over.” Feeling the pain Silvia closed her eyes tight trying to block the memories from the past arising again. The she carried on “At first, I didn’t think Lenny would notice but as he resembles his father more and more, I can’t hide my pain. Do you know what he asks me?” She felt on the edge of tears and willed them away. “He asks me “What’s wrong mommy?” and my heart breaks. I love him more than anything in this world. I can’t bear the thought of causing him any pain. I don’t want to look at him and be consumed by the pain of my past, but I don’t know how to stop the thoughts” She felt her voice crack and she took three inward breathes and then carried. “I can’t help but think of the child and ask myself would they be the same. Lenny and the child? Would they have the same hair? Would that child have been as gentle and caring as Lenny? Traits I know he got from his father.” Silvia carried on looking out the window watching the trees swaying and the leaves flying around in beautiful oranges, yellows, reds and browns. She breathed in exasperation “The only thing he got from me is my eyes but that’s it. Maybe my temper at times but he is just so much like his father. I can’t bear the thought that if I can’t get over the past I will forever be stuck reliving my past everyday and this will inevitably effect Lenny. I can’t allow that to happen” Silvia breathed out feeling the weight of her emotions heavy as if she was carry tons of cement bricks. It was pulling her down. The pain was causing her to halt in her life and she needed to move on for Lenny’s sake.