Skinny

Days go by and I wish I knew why I felt like this. Why I felt ugly, hideous even. I feel as though I'm so repulsive and I will never find anyone. I look at my friends and see beautiful 16 year olds who are happy and look perfect. They always have so much fun and I have fun when I'm with them. But when I look in the mirror all I see is an ugly geek. when I look at my waist I see a fat pig even though I weigh less than my friends. I wish I wasn't me. I want to be pretty, thin, and most importantly happy. -thinkingthin. I woke up from another dreamless night and followed my usual routine. I got out of bed, grab my small makeup bag, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The person I saw in it was the peron I hated the most. Myself. I hated everything. The grey blue color of my eyes, my nose was slightly too big, the bags under my eyes that never seemed to go away and everything else. I opened the makeup bag and pulled out a baggy full of pills. Most of them were weight loss pills and the others were for my constant headaches and some to help me wake up or fall asleep. I took two different weight loss pills. I hid the pills back in the makeup bag and then proceeded to check my weight. The scale read 90.9lbs. That was a nice number but I would perfer to be at 85. Maybe 80. That seems like a normal weight to me. I mean I'm 16 years old and 5'2. I went back to the mirror and stared at the reflexion for a minute. Then I went back to my room and got into a pair of shorts and a shirt that looked a bit to big. I lingered at the mirror a second longer just thinking about how big my thighs were. Once I was finally ready I went down stairs to eat some breakfast before my ride came. I grabbed a muffin and a bottle of water. I looked at the muffin and decided I would only eat half of it. I wasn't even in the same room with my mother before she started yelling at me telling me to get ready so I wouldn't be late. She was rushing me for no reason but she always does. She never understands me or really sees me. all . She used to be concerned with my weight but I convinced her I was fine, that there was nothing wrong with me, even though a small voice in my head kept telling me to tell her that I haven't eaten right in over 7 months. That I might of lost control of myself, but another part of me said your fine. BEEP! BEEP! That was my ride. I grabbed my draw string bag and ran out the door. "Sup Summer!" shouted Emily. She was driving us to school today. She was always happy and she was pretty. Also in the car was Hannah and Aly. They were talking about the usual boys, tests and the latest gossip, but I was just staring out the window at the beautiful world. Once we finally made it to school I took my usual seat next to Aimee. "So, are you ready for this algerbra final?" she asked. "Yeah it should be easy. We get to use our notes." I answered. "Really? Sweet!" she said. "So what are we going to do today?"she asked. This is what I dislike about the end of the year. Students have nothing to do in class and the teachers either make us sit through endless movies or we don't do anything at all. "I'm not sure. I wonder if we are watching any interresting movies." I replied. " I think we are watching Temple Grandin in one of our classes." she said "Cool" was all I said. then the bell rang and I was off to the rest of my classes. The day was pretty boring, like usual, but in gym class I almost let my secret out. I was getting changed and a weight loss pill fell out of my pocket. I grabbed it before anyone could see it. Some of the girls already put attention to how small I was and that they wished they were my size. I saw nothing wrong with them. They were pretty and I was the hideous one. I spent the rest of gym envying them. Aimee kept staring at me though. I'm not sure why but maybe she was just worring about me because I had a major headache. Gym or torture as I like to call it was almost over and that meant lunch was next. Lunch was the worst part of the day. All that fattening sickning food sat there. Kids were shoving it into there mouths. Because I couldn't count the calories I instead chose to eat some strawberry yogurt and another water. As I sat down at my usual lunch table I saw that my friends had their food already half eaten. I hated sitting here in this room full of gross food. If I touched any of it I would have to jog 2 or 3 miles to keep myself from getting fat. None of my friends really said anything about my eating habits. They just assumed I didn't like the schools food. Truth was that I didn't like any food. It all made me fat and I didn't want to be fat. I wanted to look like those girls you see in magizines. The pretty ones, the thin ones. After lunch the rest of they day flew by. After three other classes I was on my way home. Once I was home in my quiet house I felt comfy. That was until i looked in the mirror and felt disgusted again. I promised myself I would stop the pills but I really needed one. So I gave in and took one and then went on to exercising. I worked out for about an hour and then took a small break. I went out to the kitchen to look at the time and grab a piece of toast. That peice of toast would work as my dinner for tonight. That and water would keep my stomach from betraying me. As I ate my toast I turned on the TV I saw some woman in a movie walking around. She was beyond gorgeous. I bet she never worried about her looks or weight. I wished I looked like her. I must of sat there for longer than I thought because i heard my mom come in there door. she looked cranky, then again when didn't she. I checked the time quick it was 8:15 pm. "Time for bed" she told me. "Mom! it only 8 way do I have to go to bed? I’m 16!" I said back to her. "I have work and you have school.Besides you look sick." she said. "I'll go to my room but I'm not going to sleep." I said. "Fine". She replyed When I made it to my room I was slightly irritated. My mom always bossed me around and I just didnt like it. I decided maybe a pill would help me relax. Lately I have been twitchy and every small arguement seemed like a big deal. But maybe my emotions were out of control because of these pills. I couldnt handle stress very well.Something in my head told me to put the pill down but I didnt,I took it anyway. After I took the pill I felt much better. I layed down but then I remembered to check my weight. I stripped my clothing off that way my it wouldn’t affect the scale. I walked over to the scale, my worst enemy. I took one gentle step onto it. I felt the smooth cool surface of it under my foot. I looked down at the little numbers going up from 1 to 20 to 56 to 87 finally stopping at 90.2 pounds. I felt a smile creep onto my face. It's a nice feeling to feel thin, it makes me feel pretty. After that accomplishment I decided to log it into my countdown book, it’s where i keep track of my weight and progress. After that I go on to my blog on an ana website. It’s full of people. People like me who are stuck in this struggle to stay thin. They know the truth about me and they know the pain of being pretty. We all share tips and experiences . I even have a good friend on there. She wasn't online at the moment but I left her a message. She will be so happy for me! After that I decided to go to bed, I started to get sleepy.