My last suicide attempt

44

“Where to?” Xian asked, glancing down at me. I’d decided to take a sneak peak at him, not caring for the water that dripping into my eyes. He was running at a human speed now, his breathing not having faltered once. His emerald eyes met mine, and for a moment, they softened, before flashing back to have the slight edge. His face was dripping with rain water, his dark hair soaked and scruffy.

“Anywhere,” I muttered, shivering in the cold.

“Let’s go in here,” he set me on my feet, grabbing my hand and dragging me into a café, where we subtly moved into a booth. He asked the waitress for two coffees, somehow knowing how I like mine, before he turned to me with expectant eyes.

“You wanna tell me what all that s**t was about back there?” he asked.

“You wanna tell me what you were doing in my house?” I shot back. Sure, I was grateful he’d helped me out, but I didn’t need saving. I was glad he was there though, at the sight of him staring at me, it gave me a tad wave of hope. Hope that someone out there was going to just magically whisk me away from the hell I lived in that I was supposed to call home… even if he was a monster. It was better than nothing.

“Fair comment. I was there because I just so happened to be nearby, and I heard commotion round yours, so I ended up wanting to check it out… and Harmonyed in your bedroom to see you balling your eyes out. Now, can you tell me why your mother was going mental?” he raised his eyebrows at me.

I shrugged, “She’s abusive when she’s high, that’s all. We got into an argument because when I got home, I saw her lighting a cigarette up, when she swore to me she’d quit smoking when my dad died,” I stopped abruptly as the waitress bought over two steaming mugs of coffee, and I looked up to see Xian leaning on the table, his eyes fixated on me, so I continued; “And my dad died because of those things, of Lung cancer. They’re like a smoke-able death, for Pete’s sake! I got angry, well, angrier, since I was already angry – no thanks to you, by the way - and I told her not to make promises she couldn’t keep, and she flipped out… tried to hit me. I stopped her, flushed her load down the loo, and ran to my room, where she started hammering on my door, and I was… somewhat whisked away by you.” I smiled unwillingly at the end.

“Is she like this often?” his face stayed straight.

I nodded glumly. “Too often,”

“And this is the first time she’s tried to hit you, right?”

I shook my head. “No. Nearly every time she’s off her head she tries to. Today was the first time I noticeably stuck up to her.”

When Xian didn’t reply, I looked up to see him watching me through narrowed eyes. They weren’t suspicious; they were hard at work… he was deeply thinking. They eased up though, and he sipped his coffee, averting his gaze outside. Silence stretched between us, and I resorted to listening to the background music, alongside the chatter that buzzed all around the café.

“I have to go back there, you know,” I said quietly. “Every time she gets high, you can’t just take me away from that, Xian. Even if I became a vampire, you could never truly take away the pain of losing my father, you could never take away the memories of the things I’ve suffered. It’s not something I can just run away from.”

He leaned across the table, our eyes meeting. The emerald colour in his own sparkled, and I wasn’t sure if it was the light or not, before he muttered, “Can’t you?”

“No, I can’t,” I sighed. “I don’t need saving. She’s my mother for goodness sake, I know how to stand up for myself against her. I’m fine.”

“I never said you weren’t,” he settled back in his seat, and pressed his lips in a hard line at me. “I might not be your Prince Charming, Avni, but I know how to treat people with respect – something your mother clearly lacks.”

“You don’t seem to know how to treat me with respect though,” I said quietly, staring down at my coffee. I reminded myself that it was only last night that he’d bitten me, and already today I’d had two encounters with him. The first wasn’t nice, and the second one – this one – was just plain surprising. When he didn’t reply, I continued, “I mean… two days. I met you last night, and in two days you’ve…” I lowered my voice so nobody could hear me say, “drank my blood. I mean, you treat me like I’m nothing, you even said it yourself. I’m a child. Sure, so my mother’s a drug addict and abusive, my friends are fake and I’ve got nothing else to define my life, but half of this misery and despair has come from you. It’s your doing.”

He was silent for a while, so I looked up at him through my lashes. He was staring at me, a frown creased into his forehead and his lips pressed into a hard line. His gaze met mine, and I averted my eyes elsewhere, embarrassed.

“Does she hit you when she’s not high?” He said this with his voice lowered.

Thanks for the apology, I thought. “No. But then again, there’s hardly ever a time when she’s not high,”

He sighed, and shook his head, clearly disappointed. “If you don’t mind me asking, how long has your father been… gone?”

I chewed my lip. “A year and three months.”

“It never really does get easier, does it?” he murmured. “I mean, everybody says that the hurt you feel, the grief, it all gets easier after a while. Sometimes they say you learn to live with it, that you even adjust your life around it. But you can never learn to live with it, never adjust your life around death – it is everywhere. Everywhere you turn, it can be a picture, or a place you used to go, anything at any time can just set you off. To lose someone… it never gets easy, you just become emotionally numb for a little while – the only relief you can feel is the emptiness when you’ve cried your tears dry, right?”

All the while, his eyes had been locked on mine, filled with understanding. This was the sick bastard that had inflicted living hell and misery and tears on me, but I was seeing a totally different side of Xian. Or at least, it was totally different to the monstrous, more true vampire, evil side of him I’d seen.

I nodded nonetheless. “You’re right. It can be twenty years, and every day I’ll still miss him and his annoying requests for more tea every five seconds.”

Xian smiled, a small laugh escaping his lips. “Every father does that,”

I nodded in agreement, smiling at him. I felt a vibration in my jeans pocket, and took it out, hesitantly looking at caller I.D: ‘Mum Calling’. I glanced at Xian, before turning my attention back to my phone, and answering it.

“Hello?” I said quietly.

“Get your door open now.” With that she hung up. Oh the joys of life I have to go home to… not.

Chewing my lip, I touched the ‘hang up’ button on my phone, before sliding it back into my pocket. I gulped down the rest of my coffee, my throat burning from the heat, though I was grateful for the warmth it filled me with. Xian eyed me suspiciously as I did all of this all the while.

“Time to go,” I said nervously, a fake smile plastered on my face.

“Can I borrow your phone a second?” he asked, holding out his hand for me to give him my phone. I did so, frowning as I did it. I heard a load of clicks for every time he touched the screen, until eventually he shoved it back into my hand, a smile on his face.

“Like I said,” he continued. “I might not be your prince Charming – yet – but if you need me, my phone number is saved on there for you.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Um, thanks… I think.”

He smiled a smile that was barely there, and grabbed my hand, tugging me out of the café. Knowing the urgency my mother had with me on the phone, with no hesitation, he scooped me into his arms once we were concealed in the shadows round the back of the café, and before I knew it, he was standing in my room. He soaked my floor with the wetness of the rain dripping off his body, his footprints marked on the wood. He said he’d give me a text later, and he was gone. I was left alone with nothing but the loud hammering against my bedroom door. I swung the door open, facing my mother, who was unmistakably holding a bottle of vodka – half gone – and a cigarette in the other hand, an evil glint in her eye as she smiled.

She looked like some crazy, psychotic b***h. I knew her to be aggressive or abusive, but never violent – there was a difference. Abusive or aggressive could be verbally, and when it was physically, it wasn’t all that often. Violent meant it was worse. Much, much worse.

After smashing the vodka bottle against the door (aimlessly missing my head) it shattered, little shards digging into my arm, alcohol spurting everywhere. Dizziness overtaking me with the stench of metallic blood, my eyes stinging with the alcohol, I bluntly listened as she screamed, “YOU DESERVED IT!!!” in my face, before disappearing into her bedroom.

I slammed my bedroom door shut, on my hands and knees all the while, only managing to bolt the bottom lock. I sat on the floor, my muscles becoming numb as blood dripped lightly from the each of the wounds in my arm. This was the, what, third time my blood had been spilled in two days? Fourth time?

Sobbing, I reached for my phone when it vibrated.

Sexy Beast:

It’s Xian, is everything ok?

Typical. Saving himself on my phone as ‘Sexy Beast’, stupid f*****g stuck-up vampire son of a b***h.

I’m angry, okay?!

Me:

fine.

Sure, so I lied to him. Today was a one off – I’d never confided in anyone but my thoughts until today, not even to my best friends. No one but Xian knew my mother got high, abused me and had temper issues. No one but Xian knew my father hadn’t left, that he was dead. I don’t even know why I bothered telling him; it felt right, I thought for a split second I could trust him. I had a strange tingling sensation in my chest, a burning if you will, that was screaming at me that I was going to regret it.

Even if I would, today wasn’t over yet. The sky was still a murky grey; meaning that I was still confiding in Xian.

I confided in him to see through my pointless lie of a text, and come and save me from the throbbing pain that exploded up my arm, rippling across my chest. I confided in him to be eves-dropping and come back, come and save me from this hellhole I once called home. Silently, I crawled into bed, wrapping the sheets tightly around myself, listening to my heart as it thudded faintly against my ribcage. As sleep finally overtook me, one final thought swayed in my mind:

Why me?

I awoke to my alarm buzzing out again. I slammed my hand down on the ‘off’ button, and got out of bed.

I tidied up my room, glancing down at my arm every now and then; I’d woken in the night, only to pick out the shards of glass still embedded into my flesh, leaving little gash wounds scrambled on my arm. My hair stank of pure vodka, and not having enough time to wash it, I pulled it up into a loose bun at the back of my head. No one else would care, there was no point trying to look presentable – who was I trying to impress? I went through my everyday routine, then changed into a pair of dark blue ripped boyfriend jeans, with a ‘Love Me’ tee shirt from New Look, with my usual black zip-up hoody over it. I raced downstairs, and out the door before my mother could even try and get an apology squeezed in.

I ran to catch the bus before it drove away, and I sat on the seat at the back in silence. I sighed heavily as my college came into view, groups of people stood with umbrellas high in the air, kicking at the puddles of rain water to make their friends drenched. Yes, it was still raining – the only good thing that had really come out of my days recently. The rain itself was cold, beating down on my wounded arm, a tingling sensation numbing to the bone. I made my way towards my form room, registering, and going straight to first period History.

Halfway through the lesson, I got a text as my phone vibrated in my pocket.

Sexy Beast:

Babe, did you get dressed in the dark today?

I scowled down at the screen, and my eyes swept over the class, coming to a stop to my right, where Xian sat at the table next to me. His eyes met mine, and he winked, a smirk forming on his lips, an evil glint in his eye. For a few moments I was slightly bewildered at his presence, wondering what on Earth he was doing in my college. But then I remembered how on the night we met in Whitehouse, he’d told me he was to join Taunton’s College. I’d never mentioned that I went here too, but a part of me suspected that he already knew.

Me:

Go get screwed.

Sexy Beast:

…By you? Sure thing.

I glared at him, but he merely bit his lip seductively. I rolled my eyes, and ignored the last text, putting my phone back in my pocket. I could tell that clearly yesterday meant nothing to him, either that or he had bipolar. I thought he cared? Obviously not… but for a little moment I thought he was different, that he was sensitive. Silly me.

I clenched my jaw, and switched my phone off. Turning my attention back to my essay, I focused on the history of world war one, and not Xian’s stupid texts. For a vampire, he was unusually teen-like. At the end of history, I packed up all of my things, and headed for the next lesson.

I was sat at our usual lunch table, vaguely listening to everybody natter about more assignments that were coming up, me – once again – acting part of the scenery all the while.

“Oh, Xian! Hey!” Rabi said loudly, gesturing for him to come over.

“What are you doing?!” I snapped. “And how the hell do you know him?!”

Rabi rolled her eyes. “We met him at Whitehouse, duh.” With that she turned to smile flirtatiously at Xian, who was fast approaching our table.

“Damn, he has got one sexy ass…” Micheal muttered. Yeah, he bats for his own team; in other words, he’s almost too gay to function. Almost.

“That is so true.” Mule smirked, biting into her apple.

“What’s so true?” Xian asked, taking a seat next to me. Out of instinct, I moved away from him with my red chair, scooting closer to Roy, who was glaring at Xian in a way that made me slightly concerned. When I glanced up, everyone at the table was staring at me as though I was crazy for moving away from him. If only they knew what type of a monster was sat at this table. After Rabi had made introductions, everybody seemed to settle in quite comfortably.

“So, Xian, are you single?” Micheal asked.

“Yeah, I am,” he said confidently.

And so it went on. The endless chatter about boys liking girls and girls liking boys, all erupting around the table, blurring into the cafeteria’s noise, all the while I sat there, thinking how I might as well have been a part of the background. If I got up and screamed at the top of my lungs they wouldn’t notice. They never seem to notice anything anymore, and it worried me. I mean, I didn’t want to lose my friends, but I didn’t want to have to worry about keeping them happy and socializing. And for losing them would be my mistake – I pushed them away. My thoughts wondered to Xian for a minute, and how he was taking a huge bite out of a big, fat, juicy red apple, laughing with my friends. How could he just… ruin my life in such a way? His voice annoyed me, his face made me want to gag and I just wanted to drive a stake through his heart. Not that he has one, since he’s so rude, obnoxious and inconsiderate.

I stood up and glanced at everyone. No one had turned from their conversations. Nobody except Xian, who continuously, annoyingly tapped my shoulder, practically gasping desperately for someone, anyone, to pay attention to him.

“What?” I said, my voice acidic, I clearly not being in the mood for moronic idiots like himself.

“Whoa, someone’s stressed today,” he commented.

“I wonder why.” I shot, ripping my arm away from his grip. He raised his eyebrows at me, a small smirk appearing on his lips.

“Now, now, don’t be mean, Avni babe.”

“I’m not your babe!”

“You’ll learn to love me someday,” he shook his head mockingly, “…Babe.”

“Damn, you’re annoying,” I grunted.

“Damn, you’re hot.”

“Damn, you’re not.”

“You keep telling yourself that,” he said slyly, and I ignored him. Everybody soon faded into their own conversations again, and Xian was too caught up in a conversation with Micheal to even notice me when I stood up.

“Well, I’ll see you later!” I said loudly, faking cheerfulness. Again, I was plainly ignored. “Okay, I’ll go talk to a brick wall instead.” I walked off with a humph, leaving them to all boast, brag and b***h. Maybe I’d had enough of the way they all ignored me? Maybe I’d had enough of being used? Used… in so many ways, day in and day out; used to my friends’ convenience. Bitten to Xian’s pleasure. Spoken to when my mother felt she was bored, or wanted me to lend her some money so she could go pay her drug dealer… which was something you wouldn’t expect when you first met her.

Personally, I’d had enough of feeling so inevitably alone in the sea of people that had swarmed me every day for the past seventeen years.

By the time I’d driven home after ditching the rest of college – knowing that my mother would have gotten a phone call about my truancy – I was still unmistakably angry at everyone. I couldn’t help it: I was having one of those woman-days, the ones where you just need a great big hug from your best friend and f**k loads of chocolate. Not that I could get a hug from either of my best friends, since they were ignoring me. Not that I could afford even a bag of chocolate buttons, since my mum had a debt with her dealer to pay off. Or, that I had to pay off for her with money I did not have.

Yesterday’s events flashed in my mind. Instinctively, my jaw clenched at the very thought of yesterday. Was it really only yesterday that Xian had paused his cocky, jerk-ish self to have a heart-to-heart… oh, er, I mean heart-to-whatever he has conversation. And look at the pretence he held today – what did that say?

Only that my gut-wrenching feeling I had tugging at my heartstrings last night after he’d left, the ones that screamed I was going to regret ever opening up to him were indeed correct. I did regret it – he was just back to the i***t my blood burned hatred for. I’ve got to find me a stake, and soon…

Pushing those thoughts away and bracing for my mother’s wrath, I jumped onto the porch and pushed my front door open. I glanced around as I slammed it shut, smelling the distinctive stench of herbs… and not the sweet smelling type. The feeling almost so instant it was spontaneous, anger flared deep inside me, but why? I had grown used to her reckless, careless ways a long while ago… but there was something inside me that made me want to fight back.

As I entered the living room, my mother’s slurred voice said, “Hon, I’m going out for a little while… I’m not sure when I’ll be home.”

“Bye.” I said spitefully, biting my tongue so I didn’t let a growl rip through my clenched teeth as I saw the death-stick; the very thing that killed my father; the very thing she was dragging in her mouth, her pupils dilated. Nodding longer then necessary, she stumbled out the door and slammed it shut after herself, and I began to wonder what that was about as I shoved my iPod into the docking station, and started playing some music.

I sighed as I looked at the living room; the thick, musty scent of tobacco was heavy, lingering in every dark corner in the room. It was also so thick, that it looked like fog; visible in front of my very own eyes. Over-flown ashtrays were scrambled on the coffee table, as were piles of tobacco and ash mixed together to make a clumpy substance. How my mother could treat her home, her body in such a disgusting way was far beyond me; I did not know whatsoever the cause of her sudden downfall in health. Truth be told, she used to be a health-freak, over-clean, but kind and soft and gentle… all the things I yearned for from her these days. I flicked on the stereo, blaring my own music up loudly, I began to clean up the living room so it looked presentable, until there wasn’t a single trace she’d had a drugs rampage.

When I heard knocking so loud, so ferocious it could only mean desperation, I paused my music and scurried to answer the front door. Pulling it open, my immediate reaction was a frown embedding into my forehead – I knew by just one glance exactly who… what this guy was. His dark-denim baggy jeans were loosely fitted, his black hoody zipped all the way up, the hood enclosed around his face. Enough of the hall’s light shun on his face for me to see a wary look, a look of tiredness. The exact same look my mother claimed on her own face as she fell from her high after twenty four hours of mistakes. His blue eyes were dull, grey even, his brunette hair was greasy and slick, as though his hadn’t been washed in weeks, and was that… wrinkles on his face? Yes, very much so.

“I’m here to see Kim Jackson.” He said in a droopy voice.

“She’s not here,” I murmured. “Sorry. Is there anything I can do? Take a message? Tell her you stopped by?” It had to be said, the look, the hard edge of desperate frustration in this guy’s eyes was enough to make my heart kick its beat up a notch, fear shocking my brain slightly.

“I know she’s in there!” he spat, making me jump a little. “She’s f*****g in there, I know it! She f*****g owes me, the stupid w***e!”

He grabbed my shoulders and slammed me into my hall wall, slamming my front door after himself as he clamped a hand on my mouth at the same time as I let out a loud whimper. The things dealer’s do to get their money.

“Now,” he said lowly, angrily. “Where’s Kim ?”

“I don’t know!” though my voice was muffled against his rotten-tasting skin, he still shoved me harder into the wall, his temper rising. He ripped out a silvery object from his jacket pocket too quickly for me to see, and before I knew it, I felt a slight jab of pain in my abdomen.

He had a knife.

Even though I’d been bitten, Xian often said when I was fully turned, meaning I wasn’t fully a… a… you-know-what yet. Clearly, another part of the transformation still had to take place – but even slightly turned, would I die if he drove that through me? Or would it hurt? Would I bleed? Oh jeez…

“Tell me where she is,” his stinking breath brushed my face, and I bit back the bile rising in my throat. “Otherwise I’ll carve you up, lady. I know you know where she is, and I want you to tell me, or there’s going to be some serious shit.”

He pushed the knife harder against my skin, playing with my fearful senses. My heart sped up, sweat matting my hair to the back of my neck, a loud ringing in my ears as the heat crept up to my face. Truth be told, I was stone-cold terrified.

“Is that truly such a good idea?” A voice came from behind him, and I craned my neck to see who.

“Who the f**k are you?!” The dealer spat, not taking his eyes off me.

“Your worst nightmare.” I knew that tone anywhere, any time, any day, any year… I knew that voice. How could I forget?

The man plunged away from me, darting for the front door. I want to say I let out a sigh of relief, but how could I do so when – so rightly – both of our worst nightmares stood in front of me, a smile so evil plastered on his face? Xian glanced at the dealer trying to make a break for it, a slight laugh escaping his lips as he did so. The dealer managed to pry my door open, only to another figure stood outside, a somewhat dark, threatening cloud hanging over this person. His skin was deathly white, his eyes an electrifying blue and wide with excitement, his blood red lips pulled up in a smirk.

The dealer stopped abruptly, backing up into the house once again as the figure outside, too, stepped inside, silently, slowly shutting my front door. When he turned and looked back at the dealer, he licked his lips in a way that told me this vampire (I could only be sure, he was too… stunning to be human) was thirsty.

Very, very thirsty.

“You take princess to the car,” Xian ordered. “Tessa and I will take druggie here.”

I swallowed hardly. Xian seemed to notice, because he raised his eyebrows at me, but his whole face changed suddenly, turning just as excited as the other vampire’s. On instinct at their hungry expressions, I chewed my lip to stop it quivering as I backed into the wall, wanting to put space between us all as we cramped into a little space.

“I’ll save you some,” Xian grinned wickedly at his friend.