Is Love Worth Fighting For?

Matagal-tagal na ito but I can’t help it, always ko nalang kasing naiisip. Last year, grabe ang twist na nangyare sa buhay ko just because I let someone break down my wall and fall madly inlove with him, just for him to cheat on me. Here is my story. Last year, I have this guy na nagpakita sakin ng motibo na may gusto sya sakin. Sya ang unang nag-initiative na makipag-interact sakin. At first, kinikilig ako kasi nasa kanya na ang lahat na gusto ko sa lalake, tsaka first time ko din ma-experience na ang lalake ang first na mag-interact. First time ko kasi sa mga ganitong situation. Kaya nagpadalus-dalus ako, completely unaware of what may befall on me because of my carelessness. During our entire relationship, parang ako na yung naging lalake sa amin. Ako na yung nag-e-effort sa amin, at sya naman yung naging babae. Kasi after practice namin sa gabi, minsan ako yung nag-initiate na ihatid sya sa kanya kasi alam ko na delikado yung lugar nila lalo na pag gabi. Pero don’t worry, hindi naman ako lang isa noh — syempre kasama ko din si lolo ko na maghatid sa kanya (sinusundo kasi ako pag gabihan ako mag-practice even though may dala naman akong motor). And ako pa yung nagbibigay ng gifts sa kanya at alala ko pa nga yung mga promises naming na ako nalang ang tumutupad sa huli. Pero all his actions, hinayaan ko lang, at sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na ayos lang ’to at needed nya ng time para sa sarili nya kasi may mga problema din naman sya sa bahay nila. Until nung papalapit na ang aming big event, at doon ko napansin na always nalang syang nasa cellphone nya, na halatang busy makipag-chat at always na tumatawa. Pero hinayaan ko lang kasi as time passed by and his actions remained the same, na-d-drain din ako, at yung love ko sa kanya nauubos. Pero not fully, kasi I still cling to that thread of hope na lilipas din ’to at yung guy na nagustuhan ko ay babalik din. Heck, I even have a guts na may iba na syang nagugustuhan habang committed pa sya sakin. Pero I don’t have the strength to confront him about it kasi ayoko ng away, at ayoko din na mas lalong lumabo yung relationship namin. Kaya ako ang nagparaya, while ignoring the ache and unfulfilled curiosity in my heart. Until na-confirm ko na ang hinala ko. The day nang sayaw namin, an accident happened at naka-receive sya ng open wound sa natamo nyang sugat. That night, I cried my heart out. All the unkept emotions that I failed to hide instantly burst out nung may masamang nangyare sa kanya. I cried for his well-being, I cried for our sacrifices, I cried for our goal that we failed to reach, and lastly, I cried for myself. I don’t deserve this kind of treatment, yet I ask myself why am I still rooted in this position when I know in the first place that I don’t deserve this? Is it because of him? But which one? The current him that treated me differently from what I’ve grown used to, or the him that I’ve fallen in love with yet disappeared? Both version of him haunt me. And when the universe saw me in pain, they said na kulang pa — and the pain doubled when he introduced someone to me na relative nya daw. But the next day he admitted na bestfriend nya pala since pandemic pa. And I was like, no wonder why parang may something sa inyo nung pinakilala mo sya sakin. And that hurt me, kasi sa reason nya daw na ayaw nilang magkaroon ng issue. Ayaw nyo ba talaga or ayaw mo lang kasi alam nang lahat na committed ka pa sakin?? Because first of all, you wouldn’t think like that unless there’s something going on between you. And you also know naman na I won’t judge you, and I am not like the others who would instantly judge you dahil lang sa nakikita ko. Pero wala ehh, hinayaan ko lang. I guess it’s also my fault why na fell out of love ka sakin. It’s also because I failed to communicate with you. But it’s not just about me — it’s also your fault too. Both of us is the one at fault why we fell out of love. But that doesn’t justify the cheating issue that you have done. You did me dirty, love. You instantly went after her after we’d broken up while I’m still here healing from the trauma that you leave me. Healing because I refuse to be like you. Now that one year had passed, there’s also this one guy na bagong transfer lang sa aming school — misteryoso, same height, at higit sa lahat, may resemblance sya sa kanya. Now we have this another big event on school, at same group kami, and both of us are assigned at the same places. At first, he’s the one that approach me asking about the data that we need to gather for the upcoming event, until the topic lead to his lives, my favorites, any casual topics. And there, we notice that we have so many similarities, hence why we instantly became friends. As days passed, I notice na everywhere I go, sumusunod sya, and that he treats me differently too, like parang may meaning. Kinakabahan ako dun kasi friend lang trato ko sa kanya, but I assure myself na I won’t assume unless it is stated. Until on random Saturday may ginawa syang poem about sakin and sabi nya “read between the lines” now doon ko nabasa na intersado sya sakin but more in a poetic level but I choose to ignore that and ask him kung saan ang clue na sinasabi nya until mismong nag confess na sya sakin na interesado sya and would love to get to know me better at first kinilig ako then I realize na I’m taking it too easy, I don’t want to happened again what happened last time kaya iniwasan ko sya the next day and the following days until the day ng event namin, sya na medyo hilig mag observe nahalata nya and decided to confront me about it pero ina-avoid ko ang topic about sa mga ganyan. I felt bad for him, he doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment all because I become traumatized of what happened to me last year and I’m taking it out on him. If only, you haven’t confess then maybe we can still be friends and despite your assurance na we can still be friends even after all that then I’m sorry to say to you that we cannot. A guy who have feelings for his girl friend and decided to confess his feelings to her their friendships wouldn’t be the same. Yes, it’s nice to those type of friendship na friends to lovers but what about those type of friendship na one-sided? It’s a nightmare, especially when the girl only saw you as a friend and nothing more and vice versa. This is sad but this is reality, some friendship wouldn’t last if the other person have a feelings and the other doesn’t. And to the boy who broke my heart, I just want to say na deserve yang nangyayare sayo, deserve mong masaktan, at most of all, deserve mag cheat nang ex-gf mo sayo. Both of you hurt and deceived me and now you finally feel the pain that I’ve endured because of you. I don’t do revenge because I refuse to step lower just because of you but universe did me a favor so I hope you rot in anguish and despair. Anyway, I don’t mean any harm and judgement to people who have a similar experience as mine or sa situation ng boy (pangalawa). That is all, thank you for reading this. I hope my story reach the right audience.