Emerald Kisses

She needed him, wanted him, always thought about him, but he wasn’t good for her. He was an enigma that enthralled her with every step he took, and that was what made her go after him. She ended up getting him in the palm of her hand, and for a while she was happy, but he was just too much. He was everything she wasn’t and that was what made her want him in the first place, yet he was the type of man that could never return her love. It took her the hard way to learn that. She would look up at the sky lit up by the moon, and ask why him? Was he truly the man she was fated to be with? Jason. There was a time when that name used to run shivers down her spine. The type of shivers that made her seek his warmth whenever he was around. Now the shivers never made her seek his warmth because it wasn’t just his name that caused them, it was his entire being, his essence. Beautiful shivers that ran down her spine that would remind her how much she loved him turned into warning signs when he was near. Constantly she asked herself the same questions over and over again, why did I go after you? What is it about this man that made me go after him; that makes any woman go after him? She pondered this, over and over again. When she entered the home, they shared and saw him on the couch, watching and waiting; those questions popped up. Why did I go after you? She would think whenever she got a look at him. Was it his glowing green eyes? The way his light brown hair flowed in the wind? Was it that cocky grin that she grew to know and love? It had been so long she couldn’t think of a reason why she had loved him so deeply. She didn’t know why she stayed with him mostly. Was it that she was too weak to go? Or maybe she was holding onto what was? Her mind was cluttered with the thought of just loving him and the thought of just leaving him. She could pack up her bags and go, but what would be the point? Who could she run to? The man she had put all her faith in had turned into her captor. He had stolen her heart and threw away the key. He devoured her happiness and had her sanity for dessert. Jason took that smile of hers that she so warmly gave him and used it against her. He took the trust that she placed in his palm and crushed it. All the while all she did was love him. Jason had turned the one thing she treasured about him and turned it into an omen. His eyes, she had once thought they were so beautiful, now when they turned towards her, they were cold. The green that reminded her of evergreen trees and fresh rainfall at the start of spring now reminded her of the ooze that formed in kitchen sinks; green and slimy. He was the epitome of slime, gross and sticky, she could not get rid of him. He was like glue on her skin; stuck to her and as much as she tried, she could never wash him off. Every time she thought about leaving and never talking to him again, she ran right back. It was the hope that he would change back to the charming man she had met before that kept her going. Yet she knew that he would never change back to the way he was because the way he presented himself now was who he truly was. “Yasmine!” Jason yelled her name, knocking her out of her stupor, “What the f**k are you staring at?” Yasmine stared at Jason blankly, wondering when it began to be okay for him to speak such a way to her, was it a few months ago? A few years, she couldn’t remember because it had been so long, “Nothing, Jason, I’m just thinking,” she sighed heavily then got up from the couch. It may have been odd the way she was looking at the wall deep in her thoughts, wondering why she had let this go on for so long. She gave a glance back at Jason who rolled his eyes at her then shrugged his shoulders as if he couldn’t understand the woman who he married and didn’t care to understand her anyway. She made her way up the stairs as quickly and quietly as she could then prepared for bed even though it was quite early to do so. Lately, she didn’t want to be in the same room as her husband for more than an hour. He made her feel small, and she hated that feeling. There was a time when even when she had nothing, she still had her confidence, but those times were few and far in between. Yasmine could remember when she could truly say she loved herself, she loved her beauty, her style, and her personality, and no one could tear her down. That was something that she prided herself on, but she had lost that pride a long time ago. Jason had made sure she never felt that love for herself ever again, and what sickened her was that she knew it was happening, saw it with her own eyes, and was still helpless to stop him. The pillows on the bed looked ever more inviting as she looked at them, so she began to strip into her pajamas and lay down. She caressed the space on the bed and dreamed of the times when Jason’s warmth made her feel safe. When her breathing started to slow down a wave of peace went over her body. It was the only time that she felt true peace was when she was in a deep sleep. Even her nightmares were more inviting than her waking life. The monsters in her dreams were closer to her than her own husband; Yasmine didn’t know how to feel about that. The warmth of her blankets didn’t last long, it was only a fleeting second before she felt the draft of the open air on her arms and her skin immediately began to prickle. She shot up and looked around instinctively, her eyes quickly landing on her husband who was standing at the end of the bed. A frown settled on her face and she sat up. She held back a sigh and then gently moved a curl that had fallen in front of her face from being startled awake, “What is it?” she said quietly, already knowing it was probably something he could have let her sleep instead of telling her. “I’m going out, may not be back, I don’t know,” he looked off to the side, his eyes barely landing on her anymore. There was a time when he couldn’t stop looking at her or touching her. He’d bury his hands in her tightly coiled hair and scratch her scalp like it was second nature to him; she never had to ask him to do it. Now it was rare if their hands even touched when she handed him something. “Okay?” she wanted to be exasperated but knew any sign of discontent would cause an argument before he left. This was an almost daily routine between him and her. It was often that he decided to leave in the middle of the night and do who knows what. It was so often that Yasmine didn’t need an announcement every time he did it. “I’m telling you because you get angry when I don’t tell you where I’m going.” “I get upset when you don’t answer your phone and it’s been three days,” Yasmine pursed her lips, it was too late for Jason to start acting like he cared about her feelings now, hurt feelings have already run their course. She never minded him going out with his friends, before she met him, she was very secure in her relationships, never worried, but with Jason she had to learn not to worry. “Whatever I’m going out,” he huffed and turned around then grumbled under his breath, “Last time I try to be nice to you.” She flopped back in bed and pulled the covers back up to her shoulders. She put her pillow over her head and wanted to scream into the mattress, but she knew it would do her no good, it’s not like she would leave him anyway. She tried finding that sense of peace that sleep gave her again, this time tossing and turning before she could drift off for the night. Her dreams greeted her with nothing but the broken promises of the past, yet she took comfort in her past. After all, it was the only thing holding her together, because maybe some of that past would drift a little into her future. Her dreams took her to her early twenties when she would sit between Jason’s legs, smoking and laughing. His hands rubbed her shoulders as she leaned her head back and blew smoke into the air on his daddies’ porch. It was summer, the toads in the nearby creek croaked and chirped into the night sky and Yasmine couldn’t think of a moment that could get any better than being with Jason at this moment. She lifted her hand and grabbed his, bringing it up to her cheek and reveling in the warmth. Jason smiled a little and took the lit blunt from Yasmine’s hand. He took a drag from it, holding it in, he gently took his other hand from hers and used it to tilt her chin up towards him then blew the smoke he was holding into her parted lips. She blew the smoke out and then kissed him, “Who you tryna show out for? Ain’t nobody else here,” she asked talking about the cute gesture. She reached up, touched his cheek, and stroked it with her thumb. “You,” he chuckled and leaned into her touch, “Your eyes are red as f**k,” his chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh as he looked at her. “Stop!” Yasmine turned around and gave him a playful smack on his shoulder, “I only smoke with you, and that’s rarely as it is,” she pouted then ruffled his hair, knowing he hated it. His wispy locks splayed out all over his head and she let out a soft laugh as Jason desperately tried to fix it, “I like the disheveled look, it suits you.” Jason cut his eyes at her then quickly softened them. He couldn’t be mad at her, she was beautiful inside and out, “Don’t quit your day job all right?” he did one last ditch attempt at smoothing his hair down then rested his hands down at his sides. “You don’t even know what it looks like!” she nestled herself in between his legs then wrapped her arms around his neck. She could barely open her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder. “You high?” he asked as he stroked her hair, smiling softly when she just nodded her head on his shoulder, “Okay,” his voice was soft and soothing as he held her. She hummed, enjoying his warmth in the cool night air. Yasmine looked up at Jason, smiling at the scruff of his beard and his shaggy hair blowing in the wind. Although her eyes were heavy, she could not see Jason any more clearly than now. He was looking ahead, and the sky was navy blue with twinkling stars, “J?” “Hmm?” “I don’t think I can get any happier.” “Is that so?” he hugged her tightly, “They’ll be even better times, I know it.” “Yasmine!” Yasmine’s body jerked. Her eyes shot open at the sound of her name being called. She didn’t sit up as Jason had done this before. Stumbling in at some unknown time and waking her in the dead of the night. She sighed heavily, she could hear his sloppy footsteps walking toward the bed. His shoes were thrown to one side and his pants hastily shoved down his legs right before she felt his knee placed heavily on the bed as he crawled up toward her. Yasmine recoiled internally as his hot breath tickled her ear. She could smell the alcohol on his breath; fermented wheat and sugars entering the air. It was sour. “Get off me Jason,” she muttered into her pillow and turned her head away trying to shoo him aside with the tip of her fingers. The desire to touch that man had long gone with the years she had been with him. The spark she felt for him had since faded, she just hoped he wouldn’t get violent this time. He moved closer to her, his breathing heavy as he followed her, “Come on you’re my wife,” he growled in her ear, his hand gripping her arm. She had completely turned away from him, and his body was pressed up against her back. The warmth made Yasmine shiver in disgust; she hated him, “I shouldn’t have to beg you. Clearly, anyone I don’t have anyone else right now since I’m coming to you. So give it up!” Yasmine quickly moved off the bed facing Jason. Her brows furrowed in anger and she clenched her fists while glaring at him, “You disgust me!” a growl escaped her throat and her canines bared something she hadn’t done in a long time. Her wolf had been dormant for years, she had almost forgotten she had one. Her wolf had been the last thing to abandon her in this world. She looked over at Jason who was still on the bed, this time, glaring at her too. She was a bit frightened, Jason had never gone full out on her, but he wasn’t shy about a slap to put her in her place. That was when Yasmine stopped hearing her, her wolf. Jason usually didn’t push so hard for s*x. He only wanted it when she did, and she didn’t want it with him. Not for a long time, “I’m tired J, and you smell like beer,” Yasmine muttered under her breath. The fight left her as soon as it was there. Jason tilted his head to the side, a bored look overcoming his face. He gave her one last look before rolling his eyes, “Why did I f*****g marry you?” He sat up and sat on the edge of the bed, then stood up. He watched as Yasmine’s chest heaved up and down in fear. She was always frightened because he was unpredictable in the ways he would hurt her. He bent toward her ear and wrapped his arm around her neck then whispered to her, “You were stupid to give up the chance of finding your real mate to be with me.” “I don’t have a mate. For a long time, I thought simply being with you was the only thing that mattered, but clearly, I was wrong,” she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from falling. Yasmine only had Jason, all she wanted to do was love Jason and live with him for the rest of her life, but he couldn’t even let her do that. Yasmine didn’t have parents to turn to, no siblings to call. She was on her own. That was the reason she was even in their pack to begin with. This pack had taken many refugees with no homes, and she was one of them. She was grateful to be here, but it never felt like home. Jason and his family had moved here after his pack had been raided many years ago, and he had lost his mate. Yasmine would never know that type of pain, but it didn’t justify why Jason was like this. It came out of nowhere. “My wife was the only thing that mattered to me,” Jason whispered while leaning heavily on Yasmine. “I’m your wife,” Yasmine sighed heavily. She had desperately wanted Jason’s affection, but she knew she would always be second in his mind, “I would have done anything for you as long as you loved me right. What did I do?” Jason took a step back and looked at Yasmine. Her hair was pulled up in a bun and her curls fell messily around her face. When he had first met her she resembled his late wife so much, but she was different. Yasmine was never like his wife, and when they married the difference was just too much for Jason. He hadn’t seen who Yasmine was as an individual. Yasmine was strong-minded and adventurous, and his late wife was afraid of the wind when it blew; they could never be the same. Jason realized that too late, “You could never be her. I’m tired of looking for her, hoping she would come back. You look so much like her – “You never told me that,” Yasmine took a step back then slowly sat on the floor, “Seven years and I didn’t know I was just a replacement the entire time. I thought I just had to fix whatever it was in these last couple of years that made you hate me, but I guess it was just me being me.” “So now you know Yasmine,” he knelt in front of her and cupped her chin with his hand, “I realized you could never compare to her. You gave up your chance to find your real mate before the goddess, you chose me but I didn’t choose you, not really. I wonder if your mate really did die. Maybe you gave up searching too early.” “We married when I was 25, the chances of me finding a mate after that would have been next to zero.” “One percent in this day and age. You would have had a one percent chance.” “I know Jason, we found out together,” she pursed her lips, this was a new way he was trying to hurt her. Jason was a creative man in these ways. “If I had a one percent chance of seeing Lyla again, I would have taken it. I wouldn’t have married you.” Surprisingly that did not hurt Yasmine as much. Jason knew what having a mate was like, Yasmine did not. She couldn’t blame him for wanting to see the one he was fated to be with once again. She only had the feeling described to her, but it sounded amazing how much being your mate felt. When Jason spoke of her never finding her mate now that she was married to him, it was a regret that Yasmine could never focus on. She had prayed before the goddess and asked her to sever the tie she had with whatever mate she had, knowing in her heart that he had died before meeting her, and when that connection was severed, she felt nothing. So, Jason was wrong, her mate was gone just like his. Or else the pain from a living bond would have been so immense she would not have been able to stand at the altar. “He’s gone, whoever he was. I know in my heart. When I agreed to marry you, I was happy to be with you. I will never regret that,” she looked up at him with pleading eyes, “Jason I just want to sleep,” and hoped he would let her go for the night. “I hate begging, it’s whatever, I don’t want to touch you anyway,” he stood up without saying another word and stumbled out of their shared bedroom. Possibly to sleep on the couch as it was rare for them to share the bed. Mostly because he would rather be out all night. Yasmine stood up slowly and crawled back into bed. She didn’t know why he needed to antagonize her, but he did this often. Waking her up in the middle of the night and upsetting her for no reason. She pulled the covers up to her shoulder and tried to go back to sleep. She barely had hope for her marriage as it was, but Jason just took what little hope she had left for her future. If she needed to be like Lyla, his late wife, then Jason would never love her the way she wanted him to. Yasmine didn’t regret giving up finding her mate, she knew he was lost to her, but marrying Jason was starting to be a burden she didn’t want to bear anymore. She drifted off to sleep again, hoping tomorrow would be a day with no excitement. She was serious when she said she was tired. Mainly just tired of living in this place with Jason.