Ceaseless Agony

Chapter 2: Roaring Thoughts

“Lunox, look, I got this for you.” Laura was smiling widely as she gave me a black scarf. “Since when did you start doing crochets?” I replied “Last night?” she said, then laughing her lungs out. I laughed with her as I put the scarf she gave me. “Now let’s go, everyone is playing outside!” She shouted eagerly. We ran outside and started playing along with the other kids. It was the first fall of snow and every child in our neighborhood was very excited about building their own snowman and start a snowball fight. Laura and I were always enemies when it came to snowball fighting. She always made sure she’d hit my face and when she did she would fall on the ground laughing.

“RUUUUUUN!!! Lunox Run!!! Don’t look back, please run!” I heard her sob as she pushed me away. I was crying and not having the sense to feel or understand anything. All I know is that something is chasing us and if we stop running we will be caught, but Laura has injured her leg from running. She tripped from a bush. “No!! I won’t leave you here! Let’s go please, let’s leave together”. I was sobbing really hard that I felt like my lungs were burning. The snow on the ground was deep, making it harder for us to run faster. “I’ll distract them and you go ask for help”. She lowered her voice. Look directly at my eyes. I know she’s lying; how can she distract those people if she’s injured? “No! w-we’ll find h-help together, please l-let me stay” I’m crying because I know I can’t leave her alone. “Listen to me!! Go!! I’ll follow!!” She shouted silently. Her face looks very terrified. I shook my head roughly disagreeing with her, then we heard footsteps coming towards us. She began to push me hard. “If you don’t go I will get mad at you, do you want that to happen?” Her voice were shaking. I stood up crying, not wanting to leave my sister, but I didn’t want her to get mad at me either. “Run!” she shouted, but her voice was low. I ran fast and looked back at her. I saw her tears fall as she muttered “I love you Lunox, please be good” heard a gunshot and the next thing I knew was that part of the snowy field became red. I couldn’t move for a second but I remember my sister’s voice telling me to run; my legs then began to move swiftly. I ran and run, I didn’t even know where I’m heading, but all I knew is that I needed to get away from there. I stumbled and fell, then I heard a gunshot making my system not feel the ache. I quickly stood up and ran away. I was dodging the gunshots then a light in-front of me shined. Is it help? Is it mom and dad? Are they gonna help Laura?

“LUNOOOXX!!” the sound of my mom’s voice woke me up, I glance around realizing that I’m inside my room. The rain was still pouring hard, I can feel my hands and feet being frozen in coldness my eyes were tearing up and I was breathing heavily as if I was being chased by something.

“Are you alright?” mom asked me. “Yeah mom, just had a tough dream”, remembering the nightmare I just had. “I caught you moaning and crying when I was about to wake you up, your cousins are downstairs. Do you wanna come down?” I looked at her as I heard her last five words. Did she just ask me if I wanted to be downstairs? She usually forces me to do it even when I don’t want to. I took a deep sigh before nodding, “Be there later I just have to breathe a little.” She then walked out of my room.

Then it happened, the thing I didn’t want mom to see. My tears were falling so hard that my sight became blurry; my chest was aching as if I had been stabbed a million times, I couldn’t catch up with my breath as the memory flashed in my head. It was unavoidable, it was painful. After that incident, I remember a lot of people told me it was never my fault that I did the right thing, but deep down within me I knew I should’ve stayed, I should’ve helped Laura.

Maybe if I did she’s still here laughing with me; snuggling with me when the nights are cold. I curled myself inside my blanket and cried; I just can’t blame myself for what happened to my sister.

“So how are you Lunox?” aunt Margie asked me. I smiled a bit before telling her I was doing fine. As much as I want to sleep, I need to be here so that I can make sure dad is doing fine around with my mom’s siblings. After what happened to Laura, they suggested my mom should get divorced to an irresponsible man who can’t watch his children and end up losing their first daughter.

This is the main reason why I don’t want them around, because they just cause chaos for our family. I mean they should get a life, shouldn’t they?

I walked to the kitchen and saw my father cooking pasta; I slightly bumped his shoulder and looked at him raising my brows with a smile. “What we doin’ there Tom?”

I said imitating my grandfather's voice, I hear him chuckle as he watched the boiling water soften the pasta. “Do you need a hand dad?” I said walking away and getting the tomato sauce from the cabinet. “No, I got this you go talk with your cousins” he said smiling but his eyes were lying.

I can see that sadness inside his eyes and it makes me sad because he too blames his self, not to mention he was and still being blamed by some of my relatives calling him irresponsible. I really want to scream and tell them to leave my dad alone because I saw him leave every night to visit Laura’s grave, I saw him kneel and begged for forgiveness. It broke my heart because that tragedy maimed us all too well.

“I don’t like it there either, dad”, I looked down as I said that. I decided not to leave him alone because I want him to feel that he can lean on me. I’m sure this is what Laura wants. “You know dad, I’ve been thinking. What if we move away?... Like you know.. away, away from here, away from them.” I said, looking at the boiling pasta.

“Lunox, we can’t move away from your sister’s…” there was a pause between his words “Laura is here and we should be here also.” He said, looking at me. “Dad, I think it’s time to turn the page… Laura wouldn’t like us being felling the cold forever, I’m certain she wants us to continue living not aching.

” Hearing those words from my mouth makes me wanna slap myself. Was I acting selfish? I just can’t live in this place anymore. Every street, alley, place, every corner of this town reminds me of my sister and I know it haunts my parents also. I think Laura would agree to my idea because she sure doesn’t want us to feel sadness every time we go out.

Everyone sat in the dining area as dad and I put the dishes on the table. I saw my cousins run from the living room and fighting for a seat. “Children, settle down, you will have a place to sit.” Aunt Tina said. Almost every seat was now occupied and there was only one seat left and I knew the other person would not sit there, so I decided not to sit there also. I grabbed my plate and got some food, then I stepped away from the dining area.

“Lunox join us dear.” I heard aunt Margie’s annoying voice calling me. Everyone was silent waiting for me to go back and sit down. I can’t sit there while my dad’s outside eating alone; not to mention the atmosphere, will be so suffocating when they start asking questions.

“No thanks aunt Margie, I’ll eat outside… besides…” I was hesitant to say that phrase “I need some air and silence”, I said giving them a sweet forced smile as I walked away from them.

I found dad watching the small lake in our backyard. Laura and I used to love sailing there using the mini boat our dad made. Our place is enough for us; we had a medium sized backyard that came with a small clean lake. Our parents even planned to put a barn and some animals but that didn’t happen when we lost Laura.

“Don’t stare at it too much or you’ll drown” I said, putting my plate on the small round glass table. Dad’s head automatically turned as he heard my voice. “Why are you here?” he asked. I gave him a soft laugh “Uh?? Because this is my house??” I heard him chuckle a bit, then looked at me as if I still need to answer his question. “I can’t stand it there… I’m suffocated” I said, looking directly at the lake. I sat down beside him and smiled “And besides…. The air’s a bit nicer here”. He made an agreeing face. There was a long silence and no one dared to break it,

I ate my food and gave dad some of it, I noticed that he didn’t bring any plate; rather, all he had was a bottle of liquor and a small glass. “Look dad… I know you’re having a hard time dealing with them.. just please don’t listen to what they say. They don’t know how you took care of us when we we’re little, they weren’t even there as we grew up.

I only see them during the holidays, and that’s why I’m here again to tell you that we need to get rid of these people”, I said at him while looking straight out of nowhere. He looked at me then laughed, okay did I say something funny? I gave him a weird look. “The way you said get rid is like you know—rid” he laughed again, making me join him. This is one of the most amazing things about dad; he still manages to make the situation feel easy.

“I’ve been thinking about that Lunox, but I don’t want your mom to feel much lonelier being away from the place she grew up, from her siblings and from Laura..” he said, looking at me. “I think I can talk to mom about it dad. I mean, it’s not a bad idea after all, we can always come back here…but now, I’m really certain we need a new start. Away from here… away from them.” I said, looking at my dad’s eyes.