Forever Marked

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, and think about what has got me out here. What has pushed me so far out that I don't feel like walking on this Earth again, ever. Which person, what relationship or myself. The thoughts run around, and fills me with pain. A pain I just want to get rid of, and this is the only thing I can do. I take the blade and make an incision in my wrist, not too deep, becausw i want to feel the pain leave me mentally, and go out to the physical. It's a nice feeling, and gets all the evil thoughts to disappear. A Memory appears in my mind, and it seems so peaceful. It´s from the days when I went to kindergarten, a carefree time. I miss the time, the time where you don't have to worry, everything was just life and happy days. You could play all day, and even if you were to pick a fight with your friends, it was only briefly. No Avenged themselves on each other or damaged each other pain. Yes, a joyous time, but it´s over now. My life is over or I want it to end. Selfish, maybe. I just dont see another way anymore. I can feel all the gloomy thoughts press on again and make another cut. This time deeper than before, and now the blood is pouring out in thick, long rays. It looks almost completely black until it hits the white tiled floors, then it turns red. I'm ready to leave from here. There is no more for me in this life. I have experienced enough and more than any human being should, both good and evil. I am doing the last deep cuts, and feel the peace. Peace of mind, peace in the heart. All goes black for me, but I can hear a faint voice. It´s my mother. Sorry mom, I love you is the last thought I have before everything turns black, and everything goes completely silent. ************************************************************************************************** I wake up disoriented and with tears flowing down my cheeks. I want to shout, but is too dry in the mouth to be able to make any sound. I feel my throat is filled with broken glass, when I try to talk. I start to cry, and all of a sudden, I feel two arms around me and it dawns on me that it´s my mother. I let myself break down completely, and let go of all that I have held inside for so many years. It feels good emotionally, but at the same time also hard. All darkens again for me, and I am away. There must have been some hours before I wake again, because when I open the eyes, it´s sunny in the entire room from the midday sun. I sit up, look around the room and figure out quickly where I am. The hospital. I hate hospitals, and have done so since I was three years. It was here that I saw my father take his last breath. In a hospital bed after a nasty solo accident. He was no longer my father, but just a dead body without a soul. I have, however, been adopted by my stepfather, as I love higher than anything else. He is my eternal support, and he loves me as his own. My mom sits down onto the bed to me and hands me a glass of water. I take the glass and drink the entire Cup, damn! am I thirsty! I ranks her the glass, and asking for a little more. She just nods, and retrieves more. I drink every drop up, and can now feel how it presses in my bladder. I'm trying to stand up, but fall just as quickly back in bed again. "You have lost a lot of blood, Amelia" this is the first time I'm hearing my mom talk since I woke up. I just look at her, but finally get the words out, "I really have to pee. Could you help?" She gives a quick nod of the head, and takes me under her arm for supporting me all the way out to the toilet. My whole body feels drained of energy, and every step I take, I can feel how blood flows out in my whole body. I've put down for a long time, I am thinking to myself. We get to the door, and I can feel how my mom is eager, to help me all the way out and make sure I don't do something stupid, but I end up looking at her and takes a deep breathing "mom, I can do the rest itself. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. Plus we are, after all, in a hospital, so I will not be able to do so much "she looks stiff on me, without dragging the smallest mine, but eventually agrees, and gives slowly drop as she prepares herself on that I do not get to without pulling the smallest mine, but eventually agrees, and slowly let go as she prepares herself on that I'm not coming back. How have I could bring myself to inflict my own mother so much damage? How couldn't I think of her? The woman who loves me unconditionally, and would move heaven and Earth for me. Meanwhile, the thoughts running around in my head, I am moving slow, but stable against the toilet. I wash my hands, looking up and will be terrified of my own mirror image, I looks like something that is a lie. ADD. I am looking down, and moving quickly toward the door. My mother is already ready to accept and help me back in bed, that's probably where she feels I'm most safe, and where she can keep an eye on me. I can't blame her. I have caused her so much pain, but how do I tell her that I'm sorry? How can you demonstrate for such a selfish act? What do you say? Sorry mom, I know it was stupid. Not well? As a mind reader, she interrupts my thoughts "Why?" it comes almost completely on the back of my. "Why what?" "Stop Amelia, you know what I mean" "sorry mom", I brands how tears presses on. She is right! I know what she means. "I beg your pardon? EXCUSE ME!? Is it the best you can give me. I thought I had lost you! My darling daughter. What have could push you, so far out? What is it that so bad, you don't have be able to tell me that? " " I don´t know " " You don´t know? You can do better, and right now we have all kinds of time "she is right again, as usual, but how do I tell her this? How tells you something you've never put into words?