The Haunted Pipe and Other Mysteries

The Haunted Pipe— I — Randolph Crescent, N.W. My dear Pugh, I hope you will like the pipe which I send with this. It is rather a curious example of a certain school of Indian carving. And is a present from Yours truly, Joseph Tress. It was really very handsome of Tress – very handsome! The more especially as I was aware that to give presents was not exactly in Tress’s line. The truth is that when I saw what manner of pipe it was, I was amazed. It was contained in a sandalwood box, which was itself illustrated with some remarkable specimens of carving. I use the word “remarkable” advisedly, because although the workmanship was undoubtedly, in its way, artistic, the result could not be described as beautiful. The carver had thought proper to ornament the box with some of the ugliest figures I remember to have seen. They appeared to me to be devils. Or perhaps, they were intended to represent deities appertaining to some mythological system with which, thank goodness, I am unacquainted. The pipe itself was worthy of the case in which it was contained. It was of meerschaum, with an amber mouthpiece. It was rather too large for ordinary smoking. But then, of course, one doesn’t smoke a pipe like that. There are pipes in my collection which I should as soon think of smoking as I should of eating. Ask a china maniac to let you have afternoon tea out of his Old Chelsea, and you will learn some home truths as to the durability of human friendships. The glory of the pipe, as Tress had suggested, lay in its carving. Not that I claim that it was beautiful, any more than I make such a claim for the carving on the box, but, as Tress said in his note, it was curious. The stem and the bowl were quite plain, but on the edge of the bowl was perched some kind of lizard. I told myself it was an octopus when I first saw it, but I have since had reason to believe that it was some almost unique member of the lizard tribe. The creature was represented as climbing over the edge of the bowl down towards the stem, and its legs, or feelers, or tentacula, or whatever the things are called, were, if I may use a vulgarism, sprawling about all over the place. For instance, two or three of them were twined about the bowl, two or three of them were twisted round the stem, and one, a particularly horrible one, was uplifted in the air, so that if you put the pipe in your mouth the thing was pointing straight at your nose. Not the least agreeable feature about the creature was that it was hideously lifelike. It appeared to have been carved in amber, but some colouring matter must have been introduced, for inside the amber the creature was of a peculiarly ghastly green. The more I examined the pipe the more amazed I was at Tress’s generosity. He and I are rival collectors. I am not going to say, in so many words, that his collection of pipes contains nothing but rubbish, because, as a matter of fact, he has two or three rather decent specimens. But to compare his collection to mine would be absurd. Tress is conscious of this, and he resents it. He resents it to such an extent that he has been known at least on one occasion to declare that one single pipe of his – I believe he alluded to the Brummagem relic preposterously attributed to Sir Walter Raleigh – was worth the whole of my collection put together. Although I have forgiven this, as I hope I always shall forgive remarks made when envious passions get the better of our nobler nature, even of a Joseph Tress, it is not to be supposed that I have forgotten it. He was, therefore, not at all the sort of person from whom I expected to receive a present. And such a present! I do not believe that he himself had a finer pipe in his collection. And to have given it me! I had misjudged the man. I wondered where he had got it from. I had seen his pipes; I knew them off by heart and some nice trumpery he has among them, too! but I had never seen that pipe before. The more I looked at it, the more my amazement grew. The beast perched upon the edge of the bowl was so like life. Its two bead-like eyes seemed to gleam at me with positively human intelligence. The pipe fascinated me to such an extent that I actually resolved to – smoke it! I filled it with Perique. Ordinarily I use Birdseye, but on those very rare occasions on which I use a specimen I smoke Perique. I lit up with quite a small sensation of excitement. As I did so I kept my eyes perforce fixed upon the beast. The beast pointed its upraised tentacle directly at me. As I inhaled the pungent tobacco, that tentacle impressed me with a feeling of actual uncanniness. It was broad daylight, and I was smoking in front of the window, yet to such an extent was I affected that it seemed to me that the tentacle was not only vibrating, which, owing to the peculiarity of its position, was quite within the range of probability, but actually moving, elongating – stretching forward, that is, further towards me, and towards the tip of my nose. So impressed was I by this idea that I took the pipe out of my mouth, and minutely examined the beast. Really, the delusion was excusable. So cunningly had the artist wrought that he had succeeded in producing a creature which, such was its uncanniness, I could only hope had no original in nature. Replacing the pipe between my lips I took several whiffs. Never had smoking had such an effect on me before. Either the pipe, or the creature on it, exercised some singular fascination. I seemed, without an instant’s warning, to be passing into some land of dreams. I saw the beast, which was perched upon the bowl, writhe and twist. I saw it lift itself bodily from the meerschaum.… — II — “Feeling better now?” I looked up. Joseph Tress was speaking. “What’s the matter? Have I been ill?” “You appear to have been in some kind of swoon.” Tress’ tone was peculiar, even a little dry. “Swoon! I never was guilty of such a thing in my life.” “Nor was I, until I smoked that pipe.” I sat up. The act of sitting up made me conscious of the fact that I had been lying down. Conscious, too, that I was feeling more than a little dazed. It seemed as though I was waking out of some strange, lethargic sleep – a kind of feeling which I have read of and heard about, but never before experienced. “Where am I?” “You’re on the couch in your own room. You were on the floor; but I thought it would be better to pick you up and place you on the couch though no one performed the same kind office to me when I was on the floor.” Again Tress’s tone was distinctly dry. “How came you here?” “Ah, that’s the question.” He rubbed his chin – a habit of his which has annoyed me more than once before. “Do you think you’re sufficiently recovered to enable you to understand a little simple explanation?” I stared at him, amazed. He went on stroking his chin. “The truth is that when I sent you the pipe, I made a slight omission.” “An omission?” “I omitted to advise you not to smoke it.” “And why?” “Because – well, I’ve reason to believe the thing is drugged.” “Drugged!” “Or poisoned.” “Poisoned!” I was wide awake enough then. I jumped off the couch with a celerity which proved it. “It is this way. I became its owner in rather a singular manner.” He paused, as if for me to make a remark; but I was silent. “It is not often that I smoke a specimen, but, for some reason, I did smoke this. I commenced to smoke it, that is. How long I continued to smoke it is more than I can say. It had on me the same peculiar effect which it appears to have had on you. When I recovered consciousness I was lying on the floor.” “On the floor?” “On the floor. In about as uncomfortable position as you can easily conceive. I was lying face downwards, with my legs bent under me. I was never so surprised in my life as I was when I found myself where I was. At first I supposed that I had had a stroke. But by degrees it dawned upon me that I didn’t feel as though I had had a stroke.” Tress, by the way, has been an army surgeon. “I was conscious of distinct nausea. Looking about, I saw the pipe. With me it had fallen on to the floor. I took it for granted, considering the delicacy of the carving, that the fall had broken it. But when I picked it up I found it quite uninjured. While I was examining it a thought flashed to my brain. Might it not be answerable for what had happened to me? Suppose, for instance, it was drugged? I had heard of such things. Besides, in my case were present all the symptoms of drug-poisoning, though what drug had been used I couldn’t in the least conceive. I resolved that I would give the pipe another trial.” “On yourself? Or on another party, meaning me?” “On myself, my dear Pugh on myself! At that point of my investigations I had not begun to think of you. I lit up and had another smoke.” “With what result?” “Well, that depends on the standpoint from which you regard the thing. From one point of view the result was wholly satisfactory I proved that the thing was drugged, and more.” “Did you have another fall?” “I did. And something else besides.” “On that account, I presume, you resolved to pass the treasure on to me?” “Partly on that account, and partly on another.” “On my word, I appreciate your generosity. You might have labelled the thing as poison.” “Exactly. But then you must remember how often you have told me that you never smoke your specimens.” “That was no reason why you shouldn’t have given me a hint that the thing was more dangerous than dynamite.” “That did occur to me afterwards. Therefore I called to supply the slight omission.” “Slight omission, you call it! I wonder what you would have called it if you had found me dead.” “If I had known that you intended smoking it I should not have been at all surprised if I had.” “Really, Tress, I appreciate your kindness more and more! And where is this example of your splendid benevolence? Have you pocketed it, regretting your lapse into the unaccustomed paths of generosity? Or is it smashed to atoms?” “Neither the one nor the other. You will find the pipe upon the table. I neither desire its restoration nor is it in any way injured. It is merely an expression of personal opinion when I say that I don’t believe that it could be injured. Of course, having discovered its deleterious properties, you will not want to smoke it again. You will therefore be able to enjoy the consciousness of being the possessor of what I honestly believe to be the most remarkable pipe in existence. Good-day, Pugh.” He was gone before I could say a word. I immediately concluded, from the precipitancy of his flight, that the pipe was injured. But when I subjected it to close examination I could discover no signs of damage. While I was still eyeing it with jealous scrutiny the door reopened, and Tress came in again. “By the way, Pugh, there is one thing I might mention, especially as I know it won’t make any difference to you.” “That depends on what it is. If you have changed your mind, and want the pipe back again, I tell you frankly that it won’t. In my opinion, a thing once given is given for good.” “Quite so; I don’t want it back again. You may make your mind easy upon that point. I merely wanted to tell you why I gave it you.” “You have told me that already.” “Only partly, my dear Pugh only partly. You don’t suppose I should have given you such a pipe as that merely because it happened to be drugged? Scarcely! I gave it you because I discovered from indisputable evidence, and to my cost, that it was haunted.” “Haunted?” “Yes, haunted. Good-day.” He was gone again. I ran out of the room, and shouted after him down the stairs. He was already at the bottom of the flight.