Hello, Kenzo

Unhappy Smiles

“Well, I couldn't suffer alone. I shouldn't be the one just hurting. I think, we all should be in pain.“ I mumbled as my face heat up, still looking on my phone after sending Hina a message, keeping in my tears and I all I knew, I blacked out.

Then, a sound of glass hitting the floor was the first thing that registered in my head when I opened my eyes in shock. My throat felt dry as if someone had put cotton inside it. And I could feel the pounding of my heart against my rib cage. It was as if the music in the bar radiated inside me.

My eyes looked blurry as I roamed around my gaze.

Oh, sh-t! I fell asleep.

The lights in the bar were dimmed, and I couldn’t see much. The colorful lights reflected off everything, making it difficult for me to make out objects around me. I was sitting on a couch, with an arm rested on my face, my legs slightly spread in front of me.

There were a few couples making out on some tables but other than that everything was loud. I blinked a couple of times, trying to get rid of the fuzziness in my vision.

My body must be giving in. Well, there was nobody to blame but me. Since my trip with Kenzo, I was lost again.

Then I let out a shaky breath through my nose when I realized what happened. I slowly stood up and looked around again. My tipsiness and drowsiness subsided already.

"Hey, I'm going home," I mumbled out loud to my friend sitting beside me while rubbing my temples.

I shakily took a step, walking towards the exit as I struggled my way out of the bar, holding onto the edge of a table to keep myself steady. There were too much people. It felt like my legs were about to give out any second now. But I pushed onward, trying to ignore the dizzy feeling that started rising up inside of me.

When I reached the street, the cool air helped me regain control of my body, and I finally managed to walk normally again. After a short while, I was able to breathe easily again.

I didn't know how long I had been standing there in a daze, lost in thought, and my eyes were still glazed over.

It was almost ten o'clock at night.

My phone vibrated three times while I walked slowly towards the bench by the park by the seaside.

I had been enjoying the see lately. It was so calm and peaceful, lights of the city reflected beautifully on the waters.

After placing my bag on the bench, I fished out my cellphone from my purse and read the messages I received before putting my phone back.

I stared back at the sea and breathed slowly in and out, as I felt my tears surging out of my eyes.

I knew the person who sent me these messages would be furious. I knew, I had said somethings out of anger, but I didn't think I deserve to hurt alone. It was too unfair.

Narih would be very disappointed if she knew and would probably be against me drinking again, but I just couldn't help it anymore. It was a habit that is hard to break, when you cannot find anything to patch up the wounds that even stitches wouldn't suffice.

And I was tired of breaking.

I put my feet up on the bench and leaned my head against the cold metal of the railing, facing up the dark sky. I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything else. Anything else except the fact that I was alone.

No matter what I do, I just couldn't deny the fact that I missed Kenzo. I missed him so much.

My lips quivered as I tried to hold back my tears.

It was hard to tell which one hurt more. The pain of having him close enough for me to touch, yet so far away that he might never return to me again, or the pain of knowing that he might be happy without me. It all just felt so wrong.

I took another deep breath to steady my shaking hands. I needed a cigarette to relax. And to take my mind off things. But right now, I needed something to help calm down my nerves.

So after grabbing a piece of cigarette from my bag, I walked toward the concrete railings at the edge and leaned backwards.

I heard footsteps approaching me and I turned my head to that person.

"I knew I'd find you here," he sounded pissed.

"What do you need from me?" I asked uninterestedly, blowing out the smoke from the cigarette.

"Why won't you respond to my messages?" he asked angrily but he tried to keep it in.

I raised an eyebrow. “Why should I?”

"You know why you should!" he yelled keeping his voice in his clenched teeth.

"No, I don't."

"Don't act stupid." He was clearly angry at this point, taking a few steps towards me.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever," I said sarcastically and continued to inhale deeply from the cigarette. "You want me to say sorry?"

He raked his hair aggressively, and I could see his rage stabbing deeply.

"Sorry? Really?"

I threw the cigarette on the ground and crushed it under my feet. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

I tried to walk away but he gripped my arms hardly.

"Let my arms go, or you wouldn't want to spend your night in jail," I snapped at him.

"Why would you say such thing to Hina?" he let go and I heard his voice broke.

For a moment, my rage started to swell inside me and everything went in silence as I stared back at him. It was all his fault, that everything turned out this shitty!

"I told you clearly that I do not want any of the two of you to ever contact or message me. But your crazy girl won't stop bothering me! So, do you really think that I am a saint to just let it slide? F-ck Dein!" I screamed angrily at the top of my lungs while throwing my hand in the air.

"Stop acting like a child!" he screamed.

"F-ck you! Leave me alone."

His face grew redder and he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and lifted me from the ground.

"Hina lost our baby!" he spat out venomously while looking into my eyes.

I froze at his words. I was taken aback by his reaction, because I didn't expect it at all. He might be cruel but he never lift a hand to hurt me.

"W...what are you talking about?" I choked out.

"Hina was in so much pain after reading your message. She was too stressed, she lost our baby ." His face looked pale.

He let me down and his eyes poured out tears. "I hope you are happy." He said before he left.

I sat down on the stone pavement with my head between my knees and held them tightly against me.

I didn’t remember how many hours I had spent outside.

"I am not happy."